The Best of Shapecharge

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Sassenach
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The Best of Shapecharge

Post by Sassenach » Thu Jul 17, 2008 12:20 am

Man I can't wait to get up there Andy. We'll go pick up a couple big, fatass black hookers in your new car and cruise around drinkin' Jack straight from the bottle smoking some big fatties we just rolled up from your homegrown weed stash. We'll drag up to a White Castle and buy up a ton of shit and go back to your place and tear it up. I realize we'll have to do all of this before you fall asleep on the couch at 7:30 p.m. but we'll adjust.
The situation is grave my brothers. The venue was teeming with members of the KJW faction. Luckily my pre-concert preparations saved me from any permanent damage. First, I wrapped my nether regions with not one but two Ace bandages. Then I put on four sets of tightey-whitey's reversing front and back position. Then over that I pulled on one of those crazy racing suits the olympic swimmers have been wearing and then lastly a Titan squat suit. After eating a pound of Alaskan king crab I found myself having to take a monsterous crap but there was no way I could get out of my protection. I shit myself but nothing happened since there was nowhere for it to go.

There are no women in the Super Extreme Parkour Team. They are a distraction. If we are engaged in some heavy shit and we're jumpin' off of stuff and doin' crazy flips and shit on say a group of blood sucking vampire chinks who ate some radiated moo goo gai pan and one of the chicks doesn't rotate enough to land on a infected chink's brain stem and she falls, we can't have team discipline break down and everyone run to help her out. Shit, looks like Pappy and me got to put together a SEPT Code of Motherfuckin' Conduct. If it will help I'll invite Kurt J. Wilkens to join the team and his job will be to "relieve" team members of stress. We'll take a 55 gallon drum and cut a hole in it, Navy submarine style and have Wilkens get in it. He'll know what to do.

The "Super Extreme Parkour Team" used to receive free gear from UA since it's good for brand image to see superstars like Bolt and Pappy jumping off of stuff and doing crazy flips and shit while sporting UA gear underneath our costumes. However, Pappy had an accident awhile back where he slid down the side of a building for about 20 stories and the UA garments melted due to the intense friction bonding to his skin particularly around the ass and ball sac area. Whenever we're not training and we're kickin' back drinkin' a couple of 40's and planning our next move Pappy will sit down and prop up his legs and start picking at his sac area trying to get out the little bit of UA gear still welded to his ballz. We stopped wearing UA gear after that.

That is a big cat. Big enough to smother you.

Dear Baby Jesus,

Please make Jack's cat sleepy right on top of his knotted up face so that he may smother quietly in his sleep. Forget about that other stuff I asked you about...this is a top prioritay!

Shape
Kazuya Mishima wrote:they can pry the bacon from my cold dead hand.

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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by Sassenach » Thu Jul 17, 2008 12:33 am

That Mike Maul-her is one fucking sexy dude. I ain't even bullshitin' here. Let me tell you I'm not gay but that guy when he's liftin' those hot azz kettlebells just makes me melt. I get this tingly feeling inside that makes me feel all funny. It's 1:00 a.m. in the morning and I just went into the kitchen and made some cupcakes with the letters M.M. on them. My heart was beating so fast. My wife was like, WTF are you doing making cupcakes? And I said, "hey baby I'm drunk I don't know what I'm doin'. They're m&m cupcakes but I don't have any m&m's." All I could think about is Mike wearing his cool stretchy hat and shorts doin' some kbell front squats. Maybe Mike could join up with me and Pappy and do some crazy jumpin' off of stuff at night. We could go to the Mall and get some fat free yogurt and get rowdy and say, "hey bitch I said put some fuckin' sprinkles on my yogurt or I'll bust your ass." We'd run out of there with those fat ass security guards chasin' us doin' crazy flips and shit. Good times man, good times.


I say let's build a medley around Broadway show tunes. I know they're my fav. After a brief vocal warmup let's start strong with the theme from "Cats." From there then on to a moving rendition of "The Sound of Music." Then let's lighten it up a bit with something from "Mary Poppins." How does "A Spoonful of Sugar" sound? Let's then work up the volume and blast a rousing version of "All That Jazz" from "Chicago" then wrap it all up with a steamy hot number from "West Side Story." Say, "Tonight" assuming that you'll have both men and women working out. Let's try to repeat this five times.


I went to one of Mr. Kottair's seminars awhile back with the fake Doc Rowe and Coenzime Q10 and thought he did an excellent job. A few times when he was showing me some tips on bent pressing he massaged my buttocks for no apparant reason, which kinda made me feel funny inside, but there's no doubt he talks the talk and walks the walk.

Okay everybody, group hug with Mr. Kottair!

Mr. Maul-her, did you get my nude pics? I'd like to add some more meat to my upper pec region, any tips?

That was a different one Ralphie. Mr. Kottair started demoing his awesome strenghtfullness and I freaked out thinking I was in prison about to get cellbossed. I didn't want to get beatdown so I just dropped and assumed the position of respect.
Kazuya Mishima wrote:they can pry the bacon from my cold dead hand.

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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by Sassenach » Thu Jul 17, 2008 12:49 am

Wow, the wife and I were thinking about making a buttfucking video but after reading all of that it seems too complicated for us simple folks. Tom, can your producer guy help us with the video? No need to create any special music...I figure we'll just play some AC/DC real loud in the background.

Fat Cat wrote:
[-X The last thing I would ever do is post a picture of my wife. I still have Shape's wife's ass as my screen saver.


Sad to say she's lost part of it. I was doin' some gangster related shit and she took a couple of 5.56 rounds in the beehind protectin' her man. (sob)
WHAT HAS BECOME OF US!!!!! This is a martial arts and physical training site. And we're talking about the best machine to make fucking bread? Here's what you do twinkletoes: put all you fixin's, i.e. flour, milk, manjizz, used condoms, sunflower seeds, tears from mom's unfulfilled dreams etc. in a goddamn duffle bag, hang it up in the garage then do 100 jump spinning back kicks at it with each leg. It should be kneaded just right by then. Place bread in a BIG GREEN EGG for 30 minutes at 300 and it's done nigger.
Kazuya Mishima wrote:they can pry the bacon from my cold dead hand.

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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by Sassenach » Thu Jul 17, 2008 12:58 am

Oh for fuck's sake Moose...I know that. I was trying to be funny. Better watch out. You're gonna get a dart in your ass and wake up naked, duct-taped face down on a bean-bag chair. It's happened to me and it ain't cool.
Kazuya Mishima wrote:they can pry the bacon from my cold dead hand.

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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by Sassenach » Thu Jul 17, 2008 1:23 am

previous incarnation of IG? I only did a quick looksie.
Kazuya Mishima wrote:they can pry the bacon from my cold dead hand.

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buckethead
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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by buckethead » Thu Jul 17, 2008 2:06 pm

My God, man, that is funny shit.

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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by Shaun B. O'Murnecan » Thu Jul 17, 2008 2:29 pm

WHAT HAS BECOME OF US!!!!! This is a martial arts and physical training site. And we're talking about the best machine to make fucking bread? Here's what you do twinkletoes: put all you fixin's, i.e. flour, milk, manjizz, used condoms, sunflower seeds, tears from mom's unfulfilled dreams etc. in a goddamn duffle bag, hang it up in the garage then do 100 jump spinning back kicks at it with each leg. It should be kneaded just right by then. Place bread in a BIG GREEN EGG for 30 minutes at 300 and it's done nigger.
Fucking LOL! I remember that one. Gold.

I will probably read this one more than I watched that Hartzell Ankle Ninja video.
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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by Dazed » Thu Jul 17, 2008 3:01 pm

Simply stellar.
I don't think you realize the depths of Jezzy's sexual greed~ EZ
Big, strong men (preferably in kilts) are my lesbian kryptonite~Jez
the right kind of male can make Jezzy's reproductive instinct overcome her preference for black vagina~Gary

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Mickey O'neil
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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by Mickey O'neil » Thu Jul 17, 2008 3:07 pm

That shit is awesome. I'm glad he's on the team.

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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by Ryan » Thu Jul 17, 2008 4:52 pm

My favorite:
Shapecharge wrote:Training question for Mike Maul-her. I found an interesting WTH-effect the other day while lifting kbells. The wife was asking me about getting breast implants while I was doing double ohead presses and I told her to just go get some toilet paper and rub it between her tits. She said she didn't understand why that would make her tits bigger and I said it seemed to work just fine for her ass. Anyway she kicked me right square in the nutz and I didn't think I could get another rep out but I did. Do you think this would be a good way to train to get that extra rep or two when you've got nothing left?
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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by Abandoned by Wolves » Thu Jul 17, 2008 7:39 pm

Shape truly embodies all that is chaotic and funny about IGx.
"I also think training like a Navy S.E.A.L. is stupid for the average person. I would say PT like an infantry unit, run, body weight stuff, hump a little, a little weights and enjoy life if you are not training for specifics." -tough old man

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cimes
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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by cimes » Thu Jul 17, 2008 9:05 pm

LOL..thanks for the great compilation.

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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by The Venerable Bogatir X » Thu Jul 17, 2008 9:23 pm

A quick forum search of "Big Green Egg" on the FSF yields 5 pages....fyi.

He sent me a PM once asking for some grilling advice--it was one of the funniest fucking things anyone has ever sent to me.

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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by Mickey O'neil » Thu Jul 17, 2008 9:41 pm

There wouldn't be as many entries but I was thinking of starting a "Best of BRZRKR/Crusader" thread. I miss him.

It wouldn't be as good as Shapecharge's stuff though!

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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by Hank Scorpio » Thu Jul 17, 2008 10:01 pm

True, Mick. I pine for the days of arguing about the holes in the poles and the secret Nazi base in Antarctica. Probably the halcyon days of IGx.
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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by Mickey O'neil » Thu Jul 17, 2008 10:09 pm

steamboatwillie wrote:I pine for the days of arguing about the holes in the poles and the secret Nazi base in Antarctica.
lol. Great stuff.

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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by PC Polar Circle Person » Fri Jul 18, 2008 5:46 am

Jack, this should be a lesson for you. No matter how much you post and how desperately try, you very rarely make a funny. Instead try to do like Shape and only post the funny one. On the 999 other posts, just don't hit the submit button. Maybe Shape could act like your personal moderator for a while and approve of your shit before posting? It would be a full day job, of course.
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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by Sassenach » Wed Jul 23, 2008 11:54 pm

CP. File with "The Best Of Shapecharge", please. Thank you.

Shapecharge Post subject: Re: New GuyPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 11:32 pm

Listen up White Shadow, CP may be a royal fucking pain in the ass and the butchiest bull dyke you've ever seen with labia lips the size of the folds of a blacksmith's apron with those black edges like roast beef gets when it's goin' bad along with a thick yellowish yeasty discharge...wait, WTF, where am I going with this? Oh, now I remember...but she's our bull dyke and you gotta have at least 25 posts here before you start slingin' shit.
Kazuya Mishima wrote:they can pry the bacon from my cold dead hand.

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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by buckethead » Thu Jul 24, 2008 3:55 pm

Ice Nigger is Stig? I never caught the transition.

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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by Shaun B. O'Murnecan » Thu Jul 24, 2008 3:56 pm

BucketHead wrote:Ice Nigger is Stig? I never caught the transition.
Yep.
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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by buckethead » Thu Jul 24, 2008 6:27 pm

Jack wrote:
BucketHead wrote:Ice Nigger is Stig? I never caught the transition.
Talk about NOT funny!
That's because I wasn't joking.

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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by buckethead » Thu Jul 24, 2008 9:30 pm

I'm talking meat and you're talking potatoes. Are you retarded?

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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by Sassenach » Thu Aug 07, 2008 1:10 am

I guaran-fuckin'-tee that if you took two dudes and for 6 weeks put one on a strict exercise program of achyball madness i.e. various presses and snatches and the other on the Navy SEAL inspired PPushup/PPullup program the latter would be in far better condition, much leaner and sexier and would already have made it through BUD/S without having ever left home.

Shaf is just mad cuz they don't have a U.S. Navy WALRUS program.
Kazuya Mishima wrote:they can pry the bacon from my cold dead hand.

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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by Sassenach » Thu Aug 07, 2008 1:11 am

You fuckers talkn' shit about the PP handles better watch your asses. That's a fuckin' U.S. Navy SEAL right there who invented this stuff. He'll fuckin' HALO out of a C5A at 40,000 feet and then land in the ocean and swim five miles underwater...or land in the nearest swimming pool and stay submerged for a few hours using his ultra-top fuckin' secret rebreather that hides his bubbles, even fart bubbles and makes his breath minty fresh. Then he'll sneak into your shithole of a house and take his suppressed HK and put a hole in your dome. Is that what you want? These guys ain't playin'. I once heard about a SEAL that intentionally let himself get eatin' by a hugh ass gator so he could lay in wait for some niggers doin' some bad shit so he could cap their asses. A regular navy SEAL can do like 5,000 pushups in a row with all his gear on...and he does them two at a time. You try that and see what happens.
Kazuya Mishima wrote:they can pry the bacon from my cold dead hand.

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Re: The Best of Shapecharge

Post by Sassenach » Fri Aug 08, 2008 6:49 pm

Gav is currently experiencing erectile dysfunction and since money's tight and Viagra expensive he's putting his soft little gerkin in between two popsicle sticks then wrapping it in scotch tape to hold it in place to take care of business with the misses. He's sending Batt a pm right now suggesting he do the same for his busted fingers.
Kazuya Mishima wrote:they can pry the bacon from my cold dead hand.

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