Getting old sucks. Part of life. Part of what we have to embrace.
I have been away for a while; got old, got heavy, got fat, got pissed at myself. Never stopped training. Never stopped competing, but I sincerely thought of giving it away because of dwindling performance at the apex of my sport. Still with the top group, but no longer at the head of it; however, I've had glimpses of my former self in that mode.
I don't know what's happened, but within the past 6 months something changed in me. I decided that lifting heavy was not of importance. I've always done my yoga, my mobility, my SMR, my weekly massages, my other recuperative crap (ems/ice/heat) - and I'm relegated to that fact those modalities are becoming the primary part of my training MO. I've also decided that being heavy and abundantly strong is not important. I've completely changed the way I eat and now all my training, save my event work which is my real focus, is performed while I'm fasting. Fuck for the first time in my life, I have will power when it comes to food. I'm serious about slimming down and my body is feeling better because of it.
Related to this, I was having a conversation with one of my two now adult children. She graduates with her B.A. next May; she will graduate summa as she's only gotten 2 Bs during her undergraduate. She was asking me about life, life goals, and what not. She is having trouble deciding what she wants to do and what she wants to be in life. She would make a wonderful litigator like her old man - intelligent, task oriented, goal oriented, passionate, suffers insomnia, loves the fight/competing. However, she has known so many other attorneys who have ended up alcoholics or addicted to harsher substances - so she is tainted on taking it up as a career. I respect that, it's not for everyone.
So I told her, "do what you love, but find a means to an end." She looked at me confused.
I then explained to her that I do enjoy the practice of law; it's a career that's been good to me, but I don't necessarily love it. She then asked me what do I love - she immediately thought my sport, which has been a nice second income despite my not peak performance the past few years. I told her no, it's not the sport. I like it. It's been good to me, but I don't necessarily love it.
I then told her that what I loved was "living for moments that brings me bliss." And what is blissful to you is part of the journey of life.
Still confused, she made me give examples. For me, bliss is pushing my body to it's limit physically, whatever that may be at that point in time. Maybe it's a yoga pose. Maybe it's a set of squats with a certain weight. Maybe it's a captains of crush gripper. Maybe it's walking up a hill. Maybe it's not eating that piece of pie that's so easily accessible. Maybe it's writing the perfect report/brief/email/text message. Maybe it's burying my head into the neck and shoulder of my awesome wife. Maybe it's seeing something I've never seen before. Maybe it's laughing and being joyous. Maybe it's embracing "the suck."
To me, it's those moments that I crave. It's those moments that I want. That's my end. That's what I want. Everything else is just the means to get there.
On a side note, before we had that conversation, I admitted to her that I can't wait until marijuana is legal in our state because I am getting tired of this insomnia. Then I informed her that I felt it was perfectly fine for an adult to "take the edge off" a couple days of the week - just not every day and don't ever become reliant upon it.
But back to Tim, it sucks getting old. Part of our journey. Embrace it. Love it. Give it the finger. It may be embarrassing; but we are who we are and we're still here breathing, so make the most of it. If you got hurt, please heal up fast. If your feelings got hurt, toughen up butter cup.
I swear I should have said "SQUIRREL" after the first sentence.