Eye of the Goat

Post your training journals here if you like. I'll make back-ups to avoid losing your data.

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motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Nov 07, 2020 5:21 am

"You say anything other than yes, you said no." -- Chael Sonnen

If a day is not yes, if each action isn't yes, it's no. Somehow it hurts to go for yes and fail more than it does to wallow in no. Meaning it hurts more in the moment to moment experience. I say I don't enjoy the no, and I don't on a higher plane of psychology, but the shadow is very strong and it loves it. I hate it, yet it's a near constant effort to be positive active, or even positive inactive if I'm not able to do anything right then, instead of negative activity or negative inactivity (that's where my mind goes places, some of them pleasant, but taking me nowhere). The shadow has been really strong. I hoped that exercise would help, the more/different meds would help, that a different mental state would help. Yet I'm not doing well. I have been retreating into a state which sometimes feels pleasant but that's doing nothing for me.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Nov 08, 2020 2:04 pm

ex bike for warmup then

Box squat 135 -- epic fail. Took it out, felt okay, descent was a little wobbly, did a full deload at the bottom, not sure why but it's the way I've been doing these, and got stuck. I mean I could not fire off the bench at all. Completely stuck. So I thought I'd rest for a few minutes and fire up. Hell no. After another couple of minutes I realized I was in deep shit, or would be if I didn't do something asap. So I slud, yes, that's right, slud the plates off, much to my chagrin. So maybe getting bumpers was the right call.

So pin squats instead.

I continue to crack open, meaning I am understanding some things better, although mostly it's been "why I suck" and 'why these things happen". So far there isn't much knowledge of how to proceed.

I get the concept of Dominate Gettable Weights. I thought I was doing that.

I'm going to try setting things up for the next lift at the end of each session. Have a squat day, a bench day, and a combination row/RDL day. Easy weights for now. No, easier than that.

I cannot see a future with less pain or more happiness, either one. I can't think of any plausible possibility. This makes it hard to buy in to any of my own plans.

I think my imagined fat loss was actually water loss from less carbs. So back to square one. I thought I was getting somewhere.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Nov 12, 2020 7:08 am

I've been editing, cutting out some of the more ranty bits, but I think I might get rid of the whole log. I don't like it that there's so many non members reading it, and I seem to be unwilling to switch off the "let loose everything that goes through my head" mode, so maybe I should put all of my rant energy into other works.

I think a major element in diet will be to go to the store less often. I always get a lot of high calorie stuff. I should get just a little, but nooooooooooo, I get a ton. I do feel the legit need for some but not nearly as much as I do get.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Nov 21, 2020 4:53 am

Took a ton of B vitamins today which may have helped me to get some things done.

motherjuggs&speed
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Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Nov 21, 2020 5:10 am

I had been doing okay for about two weeks. Got to get back on the bike.

My hatred of humanity grows daily with my increased awareness. The B vitamins are helping me to understand some things better. So far it's only led to more hate, shame, and regret.

motherjuggs&speed
Gunny
Posts: 685
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Nov 21, 2020 5:48 am

Test 100 mg IM
Plus .7 ml of B12. This stuff is legit for when I'm facing a hard day. I can maintain my ability to function so much better.

I tried adding in more carbs and I don't like the effect. So I will dial back carbs.

motherjuggs&speed
Gunny
Posts: 685
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Nov 22, 2020 6:21 pm

Have to accelerate the editing of, or maybe the elimination of this log. There's, what? a hundred active members? Who the hell else is reading this?

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