Eye of the Goat

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motherjuggs&speed
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Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Nov 18, 2019 12:48 pm

I'm putting in a gym in my apartment, ground floor so I think I can put in a rack. I had joined a gym only a mile away but I will do better with my own setup that I can use when I want. Main goal is to improve condition and work capacity but fatloss has to be a biggie as well.

Basic idea is to get my knee rehab finished and also I'm going to take another crack at juggling to see if I have 8 balls in me. I will do primarily BP, RDLs, SQ, rows, kurls(obv.) and grip stuff with an iron pipe for a thick bar. I want some sort of cardio as well, probably a stationary bike. Expensive but time is expensive too and I've got to be a lot better.

There will be less stream of consciousness stuff here than there was at the other places I logged due to way more outsiders viewing it. So it will probably be less interesting to read.

Basic idea is that, in addition to the above goals, I really can't be all eye of the tiger every day. Just can't do it. So I want to have a daily default that works to keep me sane and not destructive, while allowing me to hit it hard on days when I do have it. Going to try to avoid the mistakes of previous trainings (and logs) and do way better.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Nov 20, 2019 12:49 pm

I do have ceiling height for OH press, which is interesting. Can add those in, that is . . .

I realize ever more clearly how strong my drive towards destruction is. I not only haven't improved in this, it's actually worse now, due to improved capacity. Meaning, I don't have the excuses I had before and I still do it. Daily, or close to it. I'm super tired and here I am. I keep going in the same loops. I thought better sleep would help. I thought some meds would help. I thought talking to someone would help. I thought giving myself good inputs would help (the right books, etc.). I keep stepping in shit. I even take a shit just so I can step in it. I have to admit that I can't fix it.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Nov 20, 2019 3:28 pm

I keep Thinking Things. Hopes, plans, etc. It's all madness and I usually don't understand it, or allow myself to understand it.

I had thought that with enough notes, calendars, whiteboards, procedures, etc., I would be able to sort of brute force myself to sanity. Hasn't happened.

Maybe I have to put giant post it notes ll over the place.

I'm broken in ways that are hard for me to see. Everyone I have ever known who is at all like me wrt externalities is really obviously messed up, as in even I can see it. With me, I don't know. There's a chip missing or something.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Nov 30, 2019 9:42 am

I spent the entire day agonizing over which computer(s) to buy on black Friday. Finally decided on none for now, will probably repeat this whole saga on Monday.

I'm so insane. I do know it yet I let it get lost in the fog.

I keep saying I'm trying to do better but that isn't true.

I saw, looking at my daily list, expecting to be dismayed at how little I did today, that I actually did real work on five out of six items. So I have to do the list and only the list.

I desperately need people to talk to but that's impossible. The few people around here who aren't shitheads want nothing to do with me.

I have to have some kind of system for making myself get outside and walk around for a few minutes once every hour or so.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Dec 02, 2019 5:32 pm

Since sanity is fleeting I have to have practices that work the rest of the time. I do need more rest between work sets (in life) than most people (when I don't heed this I fuck up real bad), but that has to be real rest and replenishment, not "do destructive stupid shit that ruins everything".

I don't know how to fix my biggest flaws but I can at a minimum get the major elements right. My minimum standard has always been far below what is really a passing grade. That is, except for some areas (strength training, trail riding, juggling, etc.), where I was at a level that was "good enough" for most purposes but I went down the rabbit hole trying to get lot better, much to my detriment.

The order of precedence has always been: how I feel > what needs to happen. Essentially always. But cutting myself off from how I feel creates even bigger disasters. I only have so much Jocko in me on a given day, but I have to harness that amount and use it to do what's needful.

Everything is always hard. I have been letting myself get stopped by this. Have to push through Resistance. More T will help, 100mg/wk ain't getting it done. Also hit the home gym regularly and sleep better.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Dec 04, 2019 3:00 am

See, I do know that I'm insane and just a bad person. For example I just dropped a plate on the floor which ruined my day and proves beyond doubt that I just can't function. I do know this. Part of the stupidity+insanity is that I lose sight of that. I mean I spent hours looking up something I needed, felt like I was about to do something good for myself for a change, and immediately destroyed everything. I do that all the time. Two days after I sold my trailer I drove off the road and nearly totaled my van. That is who I am. I don't know if I was just born bad or if my horrible early life fucked me up worse than I even understand.

I have spent the last 10 years puzzling every day over why everyone I meet hates me instantly. My best guess is that there is something fundamentally wrong with me that everyone can see. There are photos of some serial killers that illustrate what I mean: long before David Berkowitz killed anyone, you can see he's not right, that there's something wrong with him.

I seem to only have ability to function in short and infrequent efforts. I just can't do anything. I even keep myself from understanding the full horror but everyone else sees it.

I'm completely destroyed now. Will have a hard time making things happen correctly tomorrow due to my incompetence, negligence and destructiveness. I wish I could just die and not have to blow my brains out and admit to everyone what a cowardly pathetic loser I am, to go out like that. It's so stupid for me to try to do anything.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Dec 04, 2019 7:14 am

I've been uncorking the same rants for years. I have been not listening to myself, or more accurately, I've not been heeding what either Tired Me or Fed Up Me or Clarity Me says. Any of those guys has better advice than the rest of the Mes.

Granted my nerves and my soul were shattered a few hours ago but that doesn't justify the total maelstrom of misery I then went down.

Every day I tell myself to do better. Every day I find ways to not do better.

I see now that I have not had any healthy input from anyone since, let's see, 1994. All of the people I've known since then have been bad for me.

It would almost be better if I were totally insane like Pete from Horace and Pete. But I can do things and I do bad things. I want to do what's best.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Dec 04, 2019 10:26 am

Several more hours of insanity and stupidity later, i realize it was folly for me to try to live life like regular people. I'm also horrified and ashamed of myself that I was so stupid. None of the bad people in my life were ever in the "good people" category. I knew all of them were bad. I didn't somehow let myself understand the full horror but I didn't need granular detail, just that they were bad people and I was in bad situations.

I just don't know. I mean I do know but I see no workable way to move forward. Everything I've done has been a mistake.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by Bram » Thu Dec 05, 2019 12:45 am

Bruh, you better do some workouts in this log :)

Good luck! Most people go kinda crazy from time to time (myself was extra this way until I got a good shrink, after a year of that in my 20's at least I don't beat the shit out of myself too often).
"If in our daily life we can smile, if we can be peaceful and happy, not only we, but everyone will profit from it. This is the most basic kind of peace work." - Thich Nhat Hanh

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Dec 06, 2019 10:48 am

Does a long walk count?

Took an epic walk tonight, as in an epic blunder. I did want to walk a little and thought I would walk to the store to get some food before my next shopping trip. Mistake # 1. By the time I was less than halfway there I thought I should just hit the Circle K instead of going all the way to the grocery store and didn't do that. Mistake # 2. There is a big hill which was way bigger than I remembered and I didn't turn around then. #3. Then the final stretch to the store was way longer than I remembered and I didn't turn around again. #4. Then I drank some of my chocolate milk on the way back, which definitely did not mean that I had to piss in the street, and of course it didn't mean that I then had to urgently take a shit in someone's front yard. Nope, not me.

The thing that aggravates me about this is that I had walked to the store before and thought "hell no I'm not doing that again".

I hope I didn't give myself flat feel, for reals. It feels like it.

4 miles roundtrip. The walk back took 2 hours. I feel like death working overtime.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Dec 10, 2019 2:11 pm

Had a very unpleasant argument today about whether its necessary to understand past failures to prevent future ones. My view if yes, obviously -- if I don't know what I did wrong, how can I fix it?

However, I have attempted to assess failures and I just have been still failing.

I don't know the right way to approach things. I have almost always been wrong in my approaches to things. My daily default actions have been unhelpful and unskillful.

Setting an itinerary every day instead of only on super busy days might help. I'll try to schedule downtime and also to make allowances for the way I actually do things. For example, taping poster board over my windows would take someone else maybe an hour. It took me three hours. Clearing the space for my rack would take maybe 30 minutes. It took me two hours. Just have to price that in, and also not get too aggro. The funny thing is, despite what every TED talk and mindfulness guru says, I have to get a little aggro or I don't focus well (in physical jobs, not study). Also, unless I'm a little, maybe more than a little, worked up I don't seem to overcome resistance, either internal or things that get in the way on a job.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:36 am

Sometimes I wake up with clarity. That happened today. I really do understand things like a sane person for a while. I don't know why the fog and kleshas always return but I have to stay on the path. Have been saying this since forever, don't know why I ever did [about twenty different incorrect things] but unpacking that is probably another fool's errand, just have to do the right thing, and not do the wrong thing.

Have to revisit diet. Weight has gone way up the last few months. I hate to cut out milk since it's exactly what feels right when I'm tired but I have to get the fat off.

I do see with clarity what should have been done in say 2004. What to do now though is unclear, or is it?

edit: I mean the most obvious thing is that I'm broken and can't be whole again, and probably can't be sane enough either. But thinking that does not help and makes things way worse. I don't know a correct mindset here.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by newguy » Thu Dec 12, 2019 5:26 am

motherjuggs&speed wrote:
Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:36 am
Sometimes I wake up with clarity. That happened today. I really do understand things like a sane person for a while. I don't know why the fog and kleshas always return but I have to stay on the path. Have been saying this since forever, don't know why I ever did [about twenty different incorrect things] but unpacking that is probably another fool's errand, just have to do the right thing, and not do the wrong thing.

Have to revisit diet. Weight has gone way up the last few months. I hate to cut out milk since it's exactly what feels right when I'm tired but I have to get the fat off.

I do see with clarity what should have been done in say 2004. What to do now though is unclear, or is it?

edit: I mean the most obvious thing is that I'm broken and can't be whole again, and probably can't be sane enough either. But thinking that does not help and makes things way worse. I don't know a correct mindset here.
Fuck it....I'm diving in.

1. If you hate to cut out milk then don't. Cut out some other shit. Or add some other shit......this is not a zero sum game. Drink 10 glasses of whole milk a day and cut out ruffles......
2. WE ALL SEE with clarity what we should have done in 2004. And none of us see clearly what to do now. And what we "should have done in 2004" changes daily.
3. We are all broken and can't be whole again. And at the same time....we are all fine.

I think, and this is my humble opinion, you need to focus on the fact that you are exactly the same as all of us. We all have the exact same struggles. We all deal with the exact same shit.

I'm not trying to minimize what you are going through. It fucking sucks. But things can fucking suck and still be okay. Your "shit" is deal-able. It's treat-able. It's normal and not saying that in a bad way.

Brother - get some therapy. Get some meds. It's fine and okay. You know a lot of us have been there right?

How old are you? Are you single? Divorced? Have you been in therapy? Who are you?

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Dec 12, 2019 8:19 am

Therapy and meds both, yeah. The argument I mentioned was with a psychologist actually. Modafinil helps a lot with executive functioning and stress management. I'm on TRT but 100mg/wk ain't doing it. I have to schedule a trip to go 80 miles to see a clinic doc to try to get on more. I'm 52, single, no kids (praise be to Allah), and in a way my situation is better than it's been since maybe 2007. But it's also worse, since a lot more has happened. I thought I was unhappy in 2005 and I was but damn I had no idea how much more I would lose. I really am unsure about whether to even try at all. I don't think it does make sense to try anything but my writing but I pulled the pin a few years ago and it's only gotten a lot worse since. That was partly what the argument was about -- the doc was telling me that the bad responses I get from people will always be like this unless I'm better, but my view is how the hell can I get better being so lonely and cut off from anyone worth being around? I don't see any rational reason to think anything good is possible yet I do see that the negativity has killed me and hurts me daily.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Dec 12, 2019 8:48 am

Got my Texas Power Bar today. Also got my new bumpers. My weights today --

DL -- two singles w 135. Technically the bar weighs 20 kilos but the only Americans who use kilos are self indulgent fags. Then again, the way my tastes in porn are trending, I might end up using kilos after all . . . :-s

Bringing everything inside was was hard. Got to build back up.

I'm a little conflicted about what my main goal should be. I would say fat loss but my strength and work capacity suck hard. I will basically try to build back up to my previous easy daily maxes while reducing fat cals and hope the pounds come off that way. Dietwise I think I will substitute beef liver for ground beef while keeping chicken breast and pork chops. I was surprised to see that the pork chops aren't actually high in fat. I will try to keep milk intake reasonable. I have a hard time with moderation in anything but milk soothes me like nothing else at the end of a hard day so I think maybe I should keep it in.

I should clarify that I don't care about what the gym numbers are anymore but I do need some goal to work towards and track progress or lack thereof. So working back up to benching 245 easy peasy and squatting easy with 225 should be enough for now. I will do mainly BP, SQ, RDLs, rows, OH press, chins, and thick bar wrist kurls and reverse wrist kurls. A few other things maybe that that is the meat of it. I don't know about frequency. I'm inclined to think I should try to make all this GTG and do something almost daily.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Dec 12, 2019 9:02 pm

Got four stall mats to cover 2/3 of the living room. Maybe too much but we'll see.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Dec 12, 2019 9:16 pm

200mg test cyp. They do it at the doc's office since the insurance won't pay for me to pick it up at the pharmacy and do it myself. The injection at the office is covered so there we go. Not complaining about the ins. though, I finally got some stuff for sleep and also modafinil which I've been needing for years. Logging these so I can track any correlations.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by Fat Cat » Thu Dec 12, 2019 9:20 pm

Blast and cruise brah.
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Dec 14, 2019 1:31 am

Moved the stall mats inside. Wiped. My work capacity is very low and I have to improve it a lot, quickly, without cooking myself or getting hurt.

I can feel a bad incident coming. I'm tired of people coming at me like the maintenance guy at my apartment complex did today. I should probably start answering the door like Charlie Kelly. "I have my ways. You know what I mean when I say I have my ways?".

I'm amazed at how much of myself I've lost. I didn't actually think about this part until recently. Maybe because life was a constant onslaught.

I have to have a way more, I'm going to call it mechanical way of going about things. Set a goal and go through the steps. That's the way I have done everything that I have gotten done. I have to stop thinking so much about things and keep doing things.

Today though, I had a realization that I will write about, or see if there's an essay there. I was dreading bringing the stall mats inside since they were super hard to load even with the guy at Tractor Supply doing most of the work. I was thinking, damn, how long is this going to take? And I realized, "it will take as long as you let it take." So I decided to bang it out right then as fast as I could and in 30 minutes they were stacked outside my door. Have to do that with a lot more things.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Dec 14, 2019 9:52 am

I do all kinds of stupid things. I spent too much on a bed and too much on workout stuff. I have to get more focused on what's important. I spend most of my productive-capable time doing nothing useful and my rest time getting more tired and/or aggravated. I agonize over what to do and then do destructive and insane things most often.

I agonize over what to do and that thinking, the agonize-ing time, often doesn't keep me from doing the bad things, or to change the bad things I'm already doing. I either waste time and money fretting over what clearly did need to be done, or often in lieu of actually doing things. I've been logging these very ideas or some permutation thereof for years and it hasn't helped me to change things.

I feel stuck. Yet that thought, that stuckishness, has only perpetuated badness. I have made zero progress this year, when I had the chance to be more productive that at any time since 2005. I write all this, I get it, and yet I drift and waste time.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Dec 14, 2019 10:12 am

There are legitimate mistakes, like me buying the wrong angle grinder; how the hell did I do that mistakes, like buying grinding wheels instead of the cutoff wheels I need; and then there's what's wrong with me mistakes, like almost every major life choice I've made.

I want to do what's needful and not what's harmful. I want to think better. I want to make better choices and do better acts daily.

A cheap bar and plates and a cheap bench would have been enough probably. The rack may have been needed but the rest . . . I rationalize things. I talk myself into doing wrong things.

And maybe much of all this is simply fear. I do know what to do and I'm scared to do it.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Dec 14, 2019 1:00 pm

My major limiting factors physically, in order --

Having enough rest and energy to be dialed in and capable. I struggle to maintain this and it's killed me.

Situational awareness. I tend to focus on what I think is the main thing and neglect other elements which turn out to be important.

Strength. I'm amazingly weak right now.

Energy. I run slam out quickly and hard and that leads to mistakes, as well as vulnerability (people fuck with me more when I'm tired).

Body comp. I really have to take off, let's see, 70 lbs. At 250 lbs nothing much physical, or anything at all social, is possible.

Strength is addressable and can probably be improved a lot, quickly. Energy probably requires better sleep and more test. For now I can manage to do things most days, I mainly have to get started earlier on things and keep moving in the early going when I tend to get bogged down. Fat loss will require more activity and I think less dietary fat. I'm already not having many carbs.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Dec 14, 2019 6:28 pm

Woke up at 2AM, could not get back to sleep. Feel too tired to do anything but I might as well try to do something. There's one thing on my mind and I don't know if I can resolve it today. I fear the answer actually, but I have to face it. My failure to deal with it means I'm already losing.

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