Eye of the Goat

Post your training journals here if you like. I'll make back-ups to avoid losing your data.

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motherjuggs&speed
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Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Nov 18, 2019 12:48 pm

I'm putting in a gym in my apartment, ground floor so I think I can put in a rack. I had joined a gym only a mile away but I will do better with my own setup that I can use when I want. Main goal is to improve condition and work capacity but fatloss has to be a biggie as well.

Basic idea is to get my knee rehab finished and also I'm going to take another crack at juggling to see if I have 8 balls in me. I will do primarily BP, RDLs, SQ, rows, kurls(obv.) and grip stuff with an iron pipe for a thick bar. I want some sort of cardio as well, probably a stationary bike. Expensive but time is expensive too and I've got to be a lot better.

There will be less stream of consciousness stuff here than there was at the other places I logged due to way more outsiders viewing it. So it will probably be less interesting to read.

Basic idea is that, in addition to the above goals, I really can't be all eye of the tiger every day. Just can't do it. So I want to have a daily default that works to keep me sane and not destructive, while allowing me to hit it hard on days when I do have it. Going to try to avoid the mistakes of previous trainings (and logs) and do way better.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Nov 20, 2019 12:49 pm

I do have ceiling height for OH press, which is interesting. Can add those in, that is . . .

I realize ever more clearly how strong my drive towards destruction is. I not only haven't improved in this, it's actually worse now, due to improved capacity. Meaning, I don't have the excuses I had before and I still do it. Daily, or close to it. I'm super tired and here I am. I keep going in the same loops. I thought better sleep would help. I thought some meds would help. I thought talking to someone would help. I thought giving myself good inputs would help (the right books, etc.). I keep stepping in shit. I even take a shit just so I can step in it. I have to admit that I can't fix it.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Nov 20, 2019 3:28 pm

I keep Thinking Things. Hopes, plans, etc. It's all madness and I usually don't understand it, or allow myself to understand it.

I had thought that with enough notes, calendars, whiteboards, procedures, etc., I would be able to sort of brute force myself to sanity. Hasn't happened.

Maybe I have to put giant post it notes ll over the place.

I'm broken in ways that are hard for me to see. Everyone I have ever known who is at all like me wrt externalities is really obviously messed up, as in even I can see it. With me, I don't know. There's a chip missing or something.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Nov 30, 2019 9:42 am

I spent the entire day agonizing over which computer(s) to buy on black Friday. Finally decided on none for now, will probably repeat this whole saga on Monday.

I'm so insane. I do know it yet I let it get lost in the fog.

I keep saying I'm trying to do better but that isn't true.

I saw, looking at my daily list, expecting to be dismayed at how little I did today, that I actually did real work on five out of six items. So I have to do the list and only the list.

I desperately need people to talk to but that's impossible. The few people around here who aren't shitheads want nothing to do with me.

I have to have some kind of system for making myself get outside and walk around for a few minutes once every hour or so.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Dec 02, 2019 5:32 pm

Since sanity is fleeting I have to have practices that work the rest of the time. I do need more rest between work sets (in life) than most people (when I don't heed this I fuck up real bad), but that has to be real rest and replenishment, not "do destructive stupid shit that ruins everything".

I don't know how to fix my biggest flaws but I can at a minimum get the major elements right. My minimum standard has always been far below what is really a passing grade. That is, except for some areas (strength training, trail riding, juggling, etc.), where I was at a level that was "good enough" for most purposes but I went down the rabbit hole trying to get lot better, much to my detriment.

The order of precedence has always been: how I feel > what needs to happen. Essentially always. But cutting myself off from how I feel creates even bigger disasters. I only have so much Jocko in me on a given day, but I have to harness that amount and use it to do what's needful.

Everything is always hard. I have been letting myself get stopped by this. Have to push through Resistance. More T will help, 100mg/wk ain't getting it done. Also hit the home gym regularly and sleep better.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Dec 04, 2019 3:00 am

See, I do know that I'm insane and just a bad person. For example I just dropped a plate on the floor which ruined my day and proves beyond doubt that I just can't function. I do know this. Part of the stupidity+insanity is that I lose sight of that. I mean I spent hours looking up something I needed, felt like I was about to do something good for myself for a change, and immediately destroyed everything. I do that all the time. Two days after I sold my trailer I drove off the road and nearly totaled my van. That is who I am. I don't know if I was just born bad or if my horrible early life fucked me up worse than I even understand.

I have spent the last 10 years puzzling every day over why everyone I meet hates me instantly. My best guess is that there is something fundamentally wrong with me that everyone can see. There are photos of some serial killers that illustrate what I mean: long before David Berkowitz killed anyone, you can see he's not right, that there's something wrong with him.

I seem to only have ability to function in short and infrequent efforts. I just can't do anything. I even keep myself from understanding the full horror but everyone else sees it.

I'm completely destroyed now. Will have a hard time making things happen correctly tomorrow due to my incompetence, negligence and destructiveness. I wish I could just die and not have to blow my brains out and admit to everyone what a cowardly pathetic loser I am, to go out like that. It's so stupid for me to try to do anything.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Dec 04, 2019 7:14 am

I've been uncorking the same rants for years. I have been not listening to myself, or more accurately, I've not been heeding what either Tired Me or Fed Up Me or Clarity Me says. Any of those guys has better advice than the rest of the Mes.

Granted my nerves and my soul were shattered a few hours ago but that doesn't justify the total maelstrom of misery I then went down.

Every day I tell myself to do better. Every day I find ways to not do better.

I see now that I have not had any healthy input from anyone since, let's see, 1994. All of the people I've known since then have been bad for me.

It would almost be better if I were totally insane like Pete from Horace and Pete. But I can do things and I do bad things. I want to do what's best.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Dec 04, 2019 10:26 am

Several more hours of insanity and stupidity later, i realize it was folly for me to try to live life like regular people. I'm also horrified and ashamed of myself that I was so stupid. None of the bad people in my life were ever in the "good people" category. I knew all of them were bad. I didn't somehow let myself understand the full horror but I didn't need granular detail, just that they were bad people and I was in bad situations.

I just don't know. I mean I do know but I see no workable way to move forward. Everything I've done has been a mistake.

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Bram
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by Bram » Thu Dec 05, 2019 12:45 am

Bruh, you better do some workouts in this log :)

Good luck! Most people go kinda crazy from time to time (myself was extra this way until I got a good shrink, after a year of that in my 20's at least I don't beat the shit out of myself too often).
"If in our daily life we can smile, if we can be peaceful and happy, not only we, but everyone will profit from it. This is the most basic kind of peace work." - Thich Nhat Hanh

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