Eye of the Goat

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motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Mar 21, 2020 8:41 am

Thanks. I can't PM though.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Mar 21, 2020 9:13 am

Stressful dreams, the one that woke me was this: I was trying to put out a fire in the basement. I was trying to do it but as I am in life I was dazed and moving slowly and was mentally foggy. The dream before that was me realizing how much I had harmed myself in life, which is also something I was thinking about yesterday.

In my more aware moments I can't believe the things I do. It's so bad I can't imagine how anyone would do them, I mean a heroin addiction makes more sense than the things I do. While I don't know, and maybe can't know, what's going on in my brain that makes me think (or not think) some things, I can at least follow procedure. I can at least assess situations. I can, if I fail to assess it in the moment, look at it when I'm able to think clearly. I can at least eliminate known bad people and situations from my life. I have to give myself a mission briefing every day, otherwise my crazy brain takes over. Other people know that about me, they see it somehow, and I get exploited and abused all the time.

In daily life I don't know what people are seeing in me, but everyone does see it. Either people are 1000X better at reading other people than I am, or else I'm way worse than almost anyone. You know that guy who looks like he just came from his serial killer lair, who dogs bark at on the street? Depending on who you ask I am either that guy or one step above him. I have asked six different therapists, begged them, to tell me what it is so I can at least understand. I don't know if it would help in reality but I could understand at least. I mean when I blunder and lose a chess game I can see what happened, and with Stockfish I can even see where I went wrong, which isn't always where I thought I did. But in life I just get yelled at, insulted, ignored, falsely accused, confronted, humiliated, and banned. Oh and people repeatedly tried to injure me at Contact Improv.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Mar 21, 2020 10:13 am

When I say these things, often people say, maybe you should take a look at why. Well, I know for a fact that I'm not actually a rapist or anything like it, which I was accused of being at Contact, actually the spokesman for the group told me that. I know that I was neither attempting to hurt that girl at juggling, nor hook up with her, nor flirt with her, nor visually or mentally graze on her, hell she wasn't hot at all so I wasn't being even accidentally lecherous, and I'm banned from MIT juggling club for showing her some things, which she asked me to do. I don't understand why I'm the worst person in the history of juggling or CI. These aren't some some loose isotopes here -- the leaders of these communities have told me, on behalf of the group, to go away, adding false accusations and insults in the process.

Loneliness is misunderstood. The reason why is that we, all of us, understand things more through media than our observations or even our own experience, since we consume more than we experience. So the articles on loneliness are are all written by people who are in fact not really that lonely at all, like the freelancer who goes out, has interactions, and complains about not finding a decent guy or real friends. She's still part of things. I'm not allowed to speak to people. No one who anyone else wants to talk to will have anything to do with me. I understand that I can't ever again have anything good in my life involving other people. I don't know why that hasn't been enough to end it. It's within my envelope of capacity to do it, so I can. I don't know why I haven't, it may be the same evil demon that led me to go to Boston, or buy a trailer, or do a thousand other stupid and harmful things: maybe the reason I haven't is in fact more self destruction. That makes the most sense to me.

Edit: It's 100% certain that at least many of my 'mistakes" were in fact self sabotage. I don't know if this extends to everything, like my brain getting foggy with stress. Maybe not, some things are hard wired, but for sure it explains almost all of my daily failings and all of my macro mistakes. Even the things that I had no idea were going to go fubar, I at least knew I was taking a big chance that I didn't have to take, so yeah, those go in the bucket of self harming actions.

Edit2: Some of the ugliness from other people definitely is triggered by me. I had a cop once get done hassling me on a traffic stop, then turn around after going towards his car and hassle me some more, because I was showing too much weakness. People think I'm insane when I say that but it is what happened. For sure I project weakness most of the time. I'm still baffled though why people are way worse to me than they are to other people. My best guess is that it's the inverse of how people suck up to a someone famous. But I still don't get why, when it seems to me that I'm not doing anything to signal I'm in a low status position, nor tired that day, nor doing anything else that I understand is signalling fuckwithability, it still happens. Not as much or as bad usually but it still happens. My best guess is that my default is baked into me, and also I'm doing other things I'm not aware of even at my "better" times. Is it posture? Voice? How I present generally? Some component of my speech? Wrong inflection, like the way some women make everything a question? I imagine I'm doing all of these to some degree but are there other things I don't know about? For sure most people are either way better at reading people and do it all the time (as opposed to only when I think of it or something really jumps out at me ) or else there's some element I don't think of or don't know about that drives things. Asking people I know for feedback has been hugely counterproductive. It would be interesting and maybe valuable to have someone who's really good at these things to assess me in the wild and tell me what's happening.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Mar 22, 2020 1:15 am

RDLs -- 115 x 8, 10

Tried doing these with the Fat Gripz but no. I'll do some warmups w/ the FG and try to work up.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Mar 24, 2020 12:25 am

BP -- 185 x 1,2,3
Curls -- 65 x 7,7,5

Felt like doing much more would be too much. Have to do this every 3-4 days, not once a week.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Mar 24, 2020 3:19 am

Walked to the river. I had an odd interaction with a dog where we each thought the other might be a threat, then I thought, okay, he's just a friendly puppy and scratched him a little. It's funny about how one perception leads to another. If I were some leftist self glorifying knowitall I would wax eloquent about how It's All Just Misunderstandings (except white men are evil), and give myself a gold star for being so enlightened. There was a distinct vibe today from several people and I do wonder if it had anything to do with my posture, like I was primed for battle and thus people saw me as more of a problem than they otherwise would have.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Mar 25, 2020 5:19 am

Walked to the river.
Dzogchen for about ten minutes.

236. So no progress on fat loss. I have to add in some easy cardio and try harder to avoid sneaky cals. I thought I was doing that.

So tired of doing the same crap. So tired of being so tired of it, etc., I keep thinking I understand and then . . . I don't understand it. But then, more important than understand is doing. I thought I was doing okay today.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Mar 26, 2020 2:15 am

Walked to the river. '

I've been writing more. I was about to say I've also been trying to do better thinking but that isn't true. I keep thinking I'll do better thinking but that's just an excuse to not actually do it. I keep neglecting to account for how important things are.

My stack does work. The nicotine gum does seem to help. I have to have the rest of the procedures dialed in. It's not that hard, just have to keep doing them. All the time. I don't actually have to be all stoic all the time, just have to stay on track. If I find myself feeling extra shitty that doesn't mean I have to do a media binge like today.

Every day I change my mind about how worried I should be about the virus but that's another indulgence. Most of what I should do doesn't change either way. I've been having big mood swings, from panic to shutdown to, well, you know the list.

It's possible I already had COVID-19 and resolved. Maybe that's what my bout of coughing was due to. But I don't know. I don't know how worried to be.

My emotions are a major issue but as mentioned, not feeling is death too, in several ways. I've been cracking open and that isn't good. I'm too close to the metal. I have to build back up.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Mar 29, 2020 3:32 am

Without the illusion that I have value and can do things it's harder to do things. With awareness of how much I suck comes a lot of doubt about myself globally, meaning even in areas where I'm not lacking, or nearly as much anyway. Many other people seem to be also consumed with self loathing but they manage to do things. Many writers fall into this category. I have had many defeats which it was/is both insane to try to keep going after that and also I lost wherever respect people had for me to keep going after that. That sentence is completely true, but I desire to do something before the end. I want to put the essays out there and maybe I'll complete two story collections I'm working on. Would like to write a pilot but that one seems really a lot (I have one scene and have the bible for the show but that's where I've stalled).

I have a hard time having cohesion. Meaning, most of the time I'm not emotionally engaged with what I'm doing. That makes it impossible to do certain things. I don't know how to get it together better. I think I probably have to do cardio and also do an almost daily workout, meaning there really are days when I should do nothing but any day I can manage I do it. I keep saying that and then feeling like I don't have it that day. I'll call the clinic about my lab results and see what's up with going down there, or if I can do it by skype or something.

My latest thing is shame and self loathing and humiliation over having been so stupid. It was so obvious that the bad people in my life were bad. They all thought I was stupid for not realizing what they were about and they were right, I was. It doesn't matter what the prime mover on stupidity is, if I didn't understand then I was stupid. So that fills me with even more self doubt. I mean the self loathing is obviously bad but self doubt is worse.

I have to improve sleep. Woke up feeling dead, thought about taking an ambien and maybe should have. Have to have better practices.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Mar 30, 2020 2:47 am

Walked about two miles. Then did about 20 minutes of dzogchen on the riverbank. For the last year I was saying I don't have a place to meditate and there's the river 15 minutes away. I'm glad I found it. It's annoying how many times I have to learn the same lessons. I also had an idea, not sure if it's correct, but an essay I wrote today got me to thinking. The main idea is that it's not all up to you and that got me thinking about some really shitty things that happened to me. I have been consumed with self loathing over two of them especially (no, make that three), partly due to the emotional impact and partly due to my idea that the people who said those things are more or less infallible in knowing what's what, so if they say I'm bad then they have to be right. That, even more than the emotional pain, is what has stayed with me and what has caused me so much self harm as a result. But they could have been lying. I've said to myself and other people, if they were that kind of person everyone would hate them, but I failed to think about, am amazed that I didn't think about, some other shitty things that were also done by people who are popular. One guy who is pretty popular tried to get me to fall down the stairs and also let his dog out hoping I'd get bitten (his dog, while pleasantly scratchable when he wanted to be, was a legit menace). I never blamed myself for any of that other than to feel like a fool for having anything to do with that guy. I certainly never thought it reflected on me. To be clear, there are criticisms that do, but when I've been falsely accused on other occasions it's infuriating but I do not think that it means something about me since I know I didn't do it. The spokesman for Contact Improv Boston accused me of being both deceitful and probably a rapist. I know for sure I'm neither of those things but I have thought that everyone else must think it or Max would not have said it. So I've been haunted by that. I still don't understand why these things are done to me, not fully anyway, but I'm now thinking that these accusations aren't proof like I thought. They certainly show that people consider me an easy target but that doesn't mean I'm evil. It's been killing me to think that all the jugglers always hated me but I also failed to re-assess. I did think about it, over and over and over, for the last ten years, but I failed to realize that I was not actually doing the kind of thinking that leads to progress.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Mar 30, 2020 3:29 am

Two thoughts on this in case it's of interest -

It's annoying that I didn't apply this one: If you have a problem that seems intractable, assess whether it really is, or should be. Meaning, some things do require a lot of calculation and/or knowledge, but should the given problem be this hard to unravel? I was baffled, stymied, stumped, bewildered over how it is that everyone hated me at juggling and I didn't know it. Well, I was overlooking a few things. I did not rigorously consider hard data. There were many ugly episodes but also some clear indications that not everyone hated me. But I also failed to realize that if something seems puzzling and it shouldn't be that hard, check your premises. I thought it was a bulletproof premise that the guy who ran me off (his phrasing) could not possibly be wrong since he's so popular. What I failed to realize, which I should have, is that I was dealing with someone with issues. I knew that, or should have, because when we happened to see each other again, once at juggling, the other by chance, he mad dogged me so hard that many if not most people would have punched him in the face. I thought that that meant I was that bad, but in one instance I simply kept walking and didn't look at him at all and the glare from him could have peeled paint along the infinite corridor. People say consider the source and that's what I thought I was doing. I thought these people could not be wrong because if they were they would not have their social standing. But I failed to consider that it wasn't badness in me that led them to do these things, it was weakness. I did notice that most of the really ill things were done when I was tired that day or in some sort of compromised position. I also have said a thousand times without listening to myself, "if he did that to anyone else everyone would hate him". Yes, but. People choose their targets carefully. Several people I know will never show who they really are to anyone else. It's not that I'm bad, not in that way anyway, but I was so weak that it encouraged them.
Last edited by motherjuggs&speed on Mon Mar 30, 2020 7:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Mar 30, 2020 3:41 am

The other part I realized is that I thought I was thinking but I was really going over the same ground, without re-examining assumptions. So I wasn't actually thinking better or deeper or anything good, I was just rehashing. The example I can use here is chess. I'm not good, barely 1800, but I realized recently that my previous study and play have been wrong so I can't say, "I've been trying to get better" when all I was doing was playing 5 minute games. I'm trying, I would say, but that's not really true. I stated watching some videos, then some others, and Dan Heisman's videos have brought several things home to me, some of which are applicable more generally. There are a few that apply here, but the one I want to mention is that you have to really calculate, not just engage in what he calls hand waving. Meaning, oh I know this must be right, and wave away objections. I was actually hand waving all these years. I failed to rigorously re-assess. Now many things still hurt a lot and always will, but I could have saved myself a lot of extra pain, and a lot of time, had I re-assessed. I missed out on some huge opportunities due to thinking I suck, there's no chance anyway. The manager at mom's complex was a super giganto bitch to me but Brenda does that to everyone. So while I'm furious, I don't think it much reflects on me. But I've been thinking that I must suck for everyone to be so evil towards me. I failed to understand things in enough detail and with enough clarity. I also failed to realize, even though it was happening, how much the darkness would affect my ability to function and my beingness that other people can see. And I knew it though -- I said, after I got hurt, no more negativity. If I had made myself get away from all the bad people and stopped being depressed and negative i would not have gotten hurt in the first place and would have made better choices every day since then. So I have to avoid the darkness and also avoid thinking Happy Thoughts. Which can lead me to ruin just as quickly. T

As mentioned, the fog is usually so thick that only something urgent gets through. I've got to do dzogchen more regularly and also keep re-assessing, not rehashing things.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Mar 30, 2020 7:26 am

Oh and one more for tonight's epistle. I also did not think about my state of mind at time x. Most people use a lot of inertial thinking. We think a certain thing and revise our opinions slowly. A single piece of evidence can, should, cause us to rethink things. When I caught my landlord lying point blank to one of his other tenants I should have realized in that instant that everything he ever said to me was a lie. Instead of evaluating this new information properly I tried to fit it into my previous model. I have a really strong tendency toward this, more than most people, I don't know why. I also failed to account for my metal state at the time of my original reaction. I was sleep deprived, not eating enough, depressed, socially isolated and had no one, not one person, to get any kind of objective feedback from or to even talk to about whatevs just to keep me sane. So it's unlikely that I would make the best assessments in that condition. Those thoughts, the best I had at that time, stayed with me. It was what I thought at the time but I also thought a lot of other things that weren't right.

I wrote two essays today. So I think one more and then I'll put it out there and then get depressed when no one reads it. I know enough to anticipate that part.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Mar 31, 2020 1:16 am

I ran slam out of steam last night, partly due to the walk I suppose and partly the amount of writing I did. Today I was cooked but wanted to do something so

BP -- 155 x 10
curls -- 65 x 6,7,8

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Apr 01, 2020 7:36 am

BP -- 205 x 2, 2, 185 x 2

I had thought to do ladders but couldn't muster the enthusiasm or discipline. So I thought I would just bang out some doubles with the heaviest weight that felt okay until bar speed or RPE said to drop down, repeat the process then stop. The 185 set felt fine muscularly but I felt like doing more would be too much nervous system wise so stopped there.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Apr 02, 2020 2:15 am

Walked to the river and then along the road a little.
Thought about some dzogchen but the main pure awareness I had was that I had to piss so it was either walk home or stand there until it was dark enough to duck behind the shed and let it rip.
This is an obvious thought but: if you keep doing the same things, you'll keep thinking the same things. I said that I thought I was trying but you can only be operating in a vacuum for so long and get anywhere at all. I can say I sought input but let's be real: did anyone I asked have both real knowledge AND the willingness to help? No and hell no. The one time I had reason to think I'd get good input I was disappointed, hurt really, but that's the one time I can think of that I had any reason to be surprised. Plus I have about 20 books on psychology, etc. stacked up and how many have I read? The number is two in the last two years. Plus if we look at time spent doing helpful things or at least pleasant, healthy things like the river walks or even watching good movies, the ratio is really off. So that has to be improved.

I've also been sneaking in calories. So have to watch that as well.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Apr 03, 2020 2:12 am

SQ -- 155 x 3, 2 sets with a hold of 205. The 205 felt really hard, was going to half squat but I felt really not in control of it. So I did some lockouts basically and stood there with it for about 30 seconds.

I don't know what the right thing to feel is. Fear, yes, for a lot of reasons but also I don't know how to feel generally. My perception is that I'm seriously damaged and should fix what I can but it's hard to get after things the way I should when I feel like this. I have been putting some of it into writing which is good.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Apr 03, 2020 3:00 am

I have to also zero out certain things. I don't know what the reasons were but this has to stop. If the store stressed me, I can do the pickup. It doesn't matter what the reason was, if I realize I was doing something unhealthy I' stop. Some of these things felt at the time like they were helping me in some way but they didn't. I do feel a certain amount of desire for some pain and misery so I'll try sandbag carries.

I probably should also stop wondering why I didn't understand some things or did things. In some instances it might help to unravel it but in other areas, yikes, every minute I spend doing that is a minute extra I'm miserable. I don't know what I should feel or do really but I can at least get the bad things out of my life and my head as much as I can. Things are hard enough as it is, don't have to make it any worse.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Apr 03, 2020 4:14 am

I don't know why my previous bursts of clarity have not led me to make to the needed changes. But I can do better now.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Apr 03, 2020 9:29 am

I know fully well that intensity is exponential in it's impact and I still put more on the bar by a lot than I'm used to. Weekend warrior syndrome. I feel cooked.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Apr 03, 2020 10:54 am

I'm conflicted about my nighttime walks. I know what I said two weeks ago and yeah, all that's true. I want to say that sometimes nothing connects me to what I really feel like a night walk. But how much good has come of my walks? A huge net negative, and for all the things that happened, several other really bad things have come really close to happening. So there is that. There's also the questionable value of feeling what I really feel. I do understand some things on a deeper level, or more clearly, but I've been saying that for years. If it's true then when do I get the useful bits? It's also 100% guaranteed that some bad thing will happen if I keep doing them, more cops, more dogs, more attacks, on a long enough timeline all of the above. But given my fog and tendency for not-awareness, maybe it's good to feel what I really feel at other times than extreme misery. But then, maybe this relief valve is actually a negative if it allows me to think I'm making progress.

My latest thought is deep skepticism of the idea of a self as a fixed entity. I think Sam Harris is mostly wrong about this stuff but I'm aware of how much my emotions and thoughts chance with inputs. Certainly the last time I was on a decent dose of test (140 mg/wk) I felt very different two days in compared to four days in, and the important part to my point is that they both felt right. The first day I felt too revved for comfort, the fifth day I felt flat and needful of a boost, but days two, three, and four were different from each other and they all felt normal. I think now that maybe my feel-ings are much more due to my current state than the underlying realities. I mean what's true is true, and there are big things I feel bad about, but feeling those things begets feeling those things. Realities exist. Ignoring them is bad. But maybe feeling like I feel becomes endlessly self perpetuating. Clearly that's the empirical evidence but theoretically it makes sense now. It's still not clear to me exactly what I should feel or think. I'm also not likely to abandon night walks even though I probably should.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Apr 04, 2020 11:14 am

I've been making a lot of mistakes. Two big ones in the last two days. I've been doing really dumb things. It doesn't help that I agonize over them and then do them anyway. But the question isn't why do I do these things, it's how do I do other things?

I think I'll try sandbag carries. I have to get more attuned to myself and the world. Maybe more exercise will help.

My best guess is that my default is so so so destructive that I have to have a lot of mental energy to override it. This includes my judgement. It seems insane to me to have done the things I did, especially under the circumstances, but the self destruct mechanism is so strong. I want to practice both doing better and feeling better. I mean it's unhelpful and also insane to try to feel good when I have to much so much that needs fixing but feeling either crappy all the time or else dead inside isn't working either. But now those "one of these days" things might not be possible.

I wrote an essay on that very subject three years ago.

There is some improvement: I now have a stack and a routine that I've been using to get stuff done more days than not. I literally never feel like doing anything but I've been pressing play and it's been working a lot of the time. Have to keep overcoming Resistance though.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Apr 06, 2020 9:01 am

Hundreds of times a day I'm letting out a heavy sigh from stress. I''ll be sitting there and "huhhh". I have to kind of tell myself that the stress is nowhere near what it was every day from 2011-2015 and then again from 2015-2019. So while I feel like "oh fuck I'm trying to cope", in practice the stress, while high, isn't and shouldn't be as high it often was previously.

I've been managing to do needful things most days recently. I still feel the need for some kind of stress relief. I'll think about some good candidate moves.

I feel the desire for some kind of tangible reward for doing good. I keep telling myself that success is the reward and nothing else is helpful or healthy.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Apr 06, 2020 9:16 am

Everything I've done in my life for stress relief has caused way more stress. Most of my coping mechanisms have been harmful. Blowing off steam, taking the edge off, etc., have never worked for me at all. I just lose energy and time at best and usually it's been really bad for me and for the people I care about. Even the things that could have been healthy, like bike riding and lifting, have mostly caused more stress. The only things that have actually helped are dzogchen and provigil. Oh, and having a low-stressor environment. I'm 100X more sensitive to my environment than I even thought I was. I would like to have a house with no one close enough to make noise that bothers me. I keep saying to all the above, "yeah, but when do I get to feel good?" and the answer is, "dude, everything you've done to feel good has made you feel bad." Then it's, "ok, that's true, but I still need something", to which I say, "okay, tell me something that's going to not be harmful and will actually work, till then, pipe down and get back to work".

Maybe cardio will help.

Oh and the above is true even where something seemed benign or even positive. Music, for example. I have drowned myself in music at times and it was harmful in the end since it let me '"escape" but not really, I still had the some problems to solve. The same for movies and even books. I have buried myself in books and I wish I had used better judgement about that: With the same amount of time and study i could have had a credential that people would respect instead of a whole lot of nothing.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Apr 06, 2020 4:12 pm

Predawn walk to the river.

I'm suspending the night walks until I get some things sorted. I should probably never do them again but at least for the time being I'll stop.

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