Eye of the Goat

Post your training journals here if you like. I'll make back-ups to avoid losing your data.

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motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri May 22, 2020 1:31 pm

Spin bike -- $365
Chastity cage -- $70
Noise cancelling headphones -- $60

Finally getting work done -- priceless

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri May 22, 2020 1:43 pm

I have more mental and physical energy in me than I can access normally. I have to figure a way to tap into it at will. I have to be really specific about each hour, what I will do, or else I flounder. And also not expect myself to go hard all day, which I can't do and won't try to do very often. I have to be even more specific with my schedule. I'm going to write out an itinerary for each day the day before. I'm actually good about expectations for my itins and good about meeting them. I have to do them all the time.

And also read more. I'm a voracious reader but <insert bullshit here>. Have to make this a daily again.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun May 24, 2020 11:58 pm

100 mg test IM 5/23. Have to keep logging this.

Also juggled a little. Still not happening. Had more power but couldn't make anything happen. I might try with the balls I used to use. I'm thinking it might be a mistake to even try to have any success since it's too late: the time when success would have mattered was 1995 at the latest. No one cares anymore.

No fat loss, none. This despite really watching the cals. I will spin at least some so we'll see what effect that has.

I've been saying I don't feel anything. That's not entirely accurate. I think I only feel intense stimulation. Maybe I can rewire myself a little with spinning and less artificial stimulation.

Oh and I took a two mile walk Saturday. I don't like these anymore.
Last edited by motherjuggs&speed on Mon May 25, 2020 1:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon May 25, 2020 1:05 am

I knew that the darkness destroys me. I understood it clearly in at least 2008. Yet I have a hard time not engaging in it, since it feels like it eases the pain for a while. It doesn't, it makes everything worse, but it's been hard to resist. I know what I should do and it isn't any of what I've been doing.

I did not realize how possible things were. I wanted things but I didn't want them enough. Or I wanted them so much emotionally that I didn't want to do them.

I'm coming apart. I'm way worse than I was even a year ago. I don't have much left. Trying to get the essays out there. I can't even think about trying to promote the book. I just want to get something done.

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syaigh
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by syaigh » Mon May 25, 2020 9:33 pm

Have you thought about just blogging them? I got a few publishers interested in my stuff through my blog. At the very least its searchable and you may find an audience. Also you dont have to make them public. Just gives you a place to tinker and publish when you feel good about it. Having read your log for a while, might I suggest that putting your writing somewhere might lend a sense of permanence and continuity to your writing as a separate entity. I only suggest this because I have a similar brain. :)
Miss Piggy wrote:Never eat more than you can lift.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue May 26, 2020 3:47 am

I do have a website where I upload the essays that are ready for prime time. I haven't publicized that at all. I should probably add the Contact Me page in case any publishers come across it. I'm reluctant to post the address here since my unfilteredness here could blow back on me.

It's interesting how having it seen affects things. I very much want some readers. I also notice more. I edited the 100 word stories I posted here as much as I thought I could, and yet when I put them up here I saw some things to change.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue May 26, 2020 3:57 am

B12 injection -- 500 IU IM. Tried this to see what effect this would have. It does seem to work. I went to the store, which cooked me as always, yet I'm not tired.

Juggled a little. Had way more power.. No where near enough but I was able to throw 4 balls with one hand again. Didn't make it happen but it felt possibly possible. I ran slam out of steam though. I mean all of a sudden the speed was gone.

Also tried BP. Did a double with 205 but felt like I would be digging a hole so stopped there. I have to lift earlier and waste less energy beforehand.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed May 27, 2020 1:39 pm

I really wish I could have better understanding. It's only when I'm really stressed that I think clearly in some ways, or rather things are clear to me sometimes in that state while not otherwise.

BP -- 185 x 4 , 4
Did these speed bench style. Also some curls and cheat curls. Ran out of oomph very quickly. Also some other stuff which I'll record later, just ran out of steam. If I don't go to sleep quickly expect an epic rant in two hours.

My emotional pain keeps getting worse since I see even more clearly how evil the people in my life were and how stupid I was to not see it.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu May 28, 2020 1:50 am

Tuesday night I did a hard bend. Years ago I had a patella tendon rupture which got repaired okay but I didn't push as hard to rehab as fast as I should have, then I put myself in situations where I couldn't do my mobility work. Last night I started back in on regaining lost ROM. I have to refactor my setup for these.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu May 28, 2020 2:22 am

TIL dopamine levels change in a minute but receptor sensitivity and density take weeks to change. So while I say I feel flat I have not been accounting for my daily bursts of anger which cause a dopamine rush, which lowers my sensitivity to normal levels so I feel flat. Have to accept the flatness for a few weeks and then see how that feels, without saying "I feel dead, I need some stimulation" and then having binges of pron, chess, anger, whatevs to get a brain rush. It's hard to feel dead all the time but maybe spinning will help with feeling better.

Short but stressful walk then light Indian club work. Will gradually add ROM with the clubs.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu May 28, 2020 6:38 am

Self diagnosed but my dopamine level was pathologically high for my whole life until 2008, and actually I had insane levels of optimism even after that. I really think a central problem is not having enough settings. I have a few default moods and those dominate my view of things. In some of them I do okay. In others, really not. My chipset is wired to self destruct. My neutral is not at all neutral, it's strongly negative in that I seek destruction unless I'm actively opposing it and even then I still do it usually. Meditation did not help that. No amount of anything has fixed that. I know it's too late but it's hard to function correctly. Even when I do things right I still usually make them wrong. I was right about some options trades but tried to squeeze too much out of my positions and ended up losing a lot instead of making a lot. I don't know how to stop snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu May 28, 2020 9:26 pm

100 mg test IM. 5/28 3:20 PM

In theory I should do sub q for the usual reasons but I don't seem to be feeling much that way. In other news I did try to avoid brain chemical surges yesterday and feel a little more pop today. I have to find ways to feel right without doing wrong.

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