Eye of the Goat

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motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Aug 11, 2020 11:29 pm

I think the better food is helping. Sleep has been a little iffy due to the A/C still not working. I went to the store to get something to put in the window and, let's just say I didn't get the plywood.

I really have to listen to myself. I sensed that I should not go to the store and didn't listen to myself. Both stores were hell due to waiting too long to go. Plus now I'm going to have a hard time getting to sleep due to my schedule being pushed back two hours.

It was a perfect day earlier, the kind of day where everything is possible. I wanted to do something with it and failed. I can't afford to keep failing. My inclination is to look at the things I did get done but that's loser thinking. I have to get everything done. Life doesn't give partial credit.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Aug 12, 2020 9:42 am

Have been really good about going to sleep early. Until today. Got spun up, then more spun up, then aggro, now it's 3:30 and they will be banging on the door at 9 to work on the A/C. I knew I should not have gone out today. Now I'm screwed. It will be 103 today. I have to stay on the path all the time. I blew it today. I keep saying I'll do the right procedures and then I don't.

Will have some more shovelables and then go to sleep.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Aug 14, 2020 3:16 am

Wednesday. 100 mg test IM.

Some spinning, plus some RDLs.

I think the long sets with lighter weights with music playing is something I'll run with.

It was a mistake to get all that stuff. Really should have just gotten a sandbag, a KB, a weighted vest and maybe some DBs. I've been so much imploding and destructing. Have to avoid the mistakes. I agonized over each of the big purchases, which by itself should have told me I was making a mistake. Everything I've had a lot of apprehension about has been a mistake.

Walked to the river. Thought about doing some dzogchen but I feel like I have to focus hard on the current knowns instead of opening up more avenues of pain.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Aug 21, 2020 10:14 am

I'm coming apart.

Oh fuck why am I this way?

The schedule works when I work it. One problem is that I don't see light at the end of the tunnel. I don't see a carrot to chase. I know I should do right anyway. It's been hard to have nothing I can look forward to.

Neuroplasticity is the key here. If I keep doing right I will start to feel, well, not right, but I will function a lot better. I have to be who I really am.

I have been inclined to think I'm more crazy now than say 20 years ago but that's not true.

This might be interesting, maybe not. Tonight I listened to a song I love and have heard a lot. Not that many times compared to some favorites. There are a few songs that are in my top ten that I rarely listen to. It has to feel right. Tonight I heard the lyrics different. There are a few lines that I never hear right. Part of this is digital as opposed to vinyl, some might be my headphones. The interesting part is how many things I didn't understand. I keep hoping there will be another piece that I get and then I will grok way more. That has happened a few times recently but I have to stop dumbifying myself. Have to stay sharp. I deleted my account on a chess server so hopefully that will make that relapse less likely.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Aug 21, 2020 7:12 pm

Lately I've been thinking about how actually impaired and utterly clueless I was earlier in life. I mean I had no frelling clue. I did the dumbest shit. So when I'm dismayed at how I acted or what I missed, I was coming from a place of knowing almost nothing, and 95% of what I knew was either wrong or mixed up. That's my CMB. So I have to take that into account when assessing any plan.

I've been really tired since they still haven't fixed the A?C. I tried to install my window unit in the bedroom but OMG just no. I can't believe how much I utterly can't do certain things.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Aug 24, 2020 3:11 am

the kalashanikov of my mind continues. But that's also rubbish since a lot of it is self generated and of the stuff that isn't, 90% of that I can't do much about right now.

I have a couple more essays that seem close to the surface so I'll try to write those. I know I said I'd push the collection out the door but it doesn't feel quite done. In some things, like my stories, I'm okay with them being "as good as I can make them" but with the essays I feel like I have to deliver a really solid product or else it's crap. I've felt stuck but that's not true; you're only stuck if you're trying. I've been, well, the usual.

I have to spin a lot more. 20 minutes isn't enough, plus the walks aren't much. Did one or two brief lifts that I didn't log. Have to keep tweaking the system and doing what works. The emotional pain is only getting worse with all this stuff. Have to do a lot more work. I did make some small improvements but they haven't added up to anything yet.

Oh and I really have to drill down on sleep. Up 29 hours. I just had one of 32 hours. Have to stop this. I have to mount a schedule board.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Aug 24, 2020 12:11 pm

I keep telling myself that I want a cure for pathological thinking, but in fact I haven't done the things I know to do. I tell myself that I have to function better, do things better, but my monkey brain keeps saying, dude, life sucks anyway, here's a distraction or temporary pleasure, here have a drink. Or watch some crap. Whatever gives you a dopamine hit and lets you escape for a little while, since that's all you can get anyway.

I find some pleasure in the writing and have to do more. A lot more.

Something that increases the desire to escape is the fear. I've felt a lot of fear lately. I also have felt, with increasing frequency and severity, completely crushed by it all. I feel really incapable on the one hand and that it's way too much for me on the other. And of course these things are true. It really is too much out there, and I'm nowhere near as able to do stuff as i once hoped or thought. So that leads me to escapism.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Aug 28, 2020 12:14 am

Had another realization about my pathological thinking and acting. Not going to describe this one but there's a thing I've been doing that is utterly not good. I did not realize until recently how wrong it is. I don't know quite what I was thinking. I keep having these. It's very annoying to not just have the whole thing in one swig. I don't know how to speed up the process. I think what I have to do is look at my day and assess each thing I do and what the thought process is for each thing.

I think that sleep quality is messing me up. I often feel okay when I first get up but something is missing. It might be sleep related. I got a headstrap, one of those anti-snoring ones, but I haven't been able to fall asleep with it on. I'll try wearing it when I'm at home during the day to get used to the feel.

Spinning has been really perfunctory and lifting nonexistent. Granted it's been crazy around here with the ongoing A/C saga but still, I should do more. I don't like the walks. If I can find a place to stand by the river that would be good but there doesn't seem to be any legal access.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Sep 01, 2020 7:42 am

The air conditioning guys vandalized my whiteboard. Their idea of a joke I guess, to erase my essay ideas. I knew that sooner or later someone would force me out of my (not at all comfortable) zone and there would be violence and suicide. Sigh. I knew it was a mistake to try to avoid it. If I were a stronger and more aggressive guy they never would have dared do it. I'll complain to the management first but there's no point in that: no one ever gets fired here. In Boston maybe, but here extremely inappropriate aggression is the norm.

It's terrifying to have to have to blow my brains out with a shotgun with a minute to do it. I see all those other people on YT managing to do it just fine. I suppose it's one of the many areas where I'm deficient.

And it also would not have happened had I not been so tired. I have had a really hard time getting to sleep but that's only half true: I've also not been giving myself the right setup for sleep. On Sunday I went to the store, which was a mistake, I waited way too long to go, another mistake, didn't eat early, got too spun up after the store, and was awake for 30(!) hours before getting fragmented sleep and not nearly enough of it. So my tiredness was seen as weakness thus this offense.

I've also been pathological in my thinking and acting every single day. I have not had a day where I would get a passing grade since well before the A/C went out, about a month ago, and hardly any days even then. Have to go back to May for any good stretches and they were brief and infrequent even then.

I don't understand the thought process here. People routinely do things like that to me when I go into a store (had a Home Depot guy throw away my project notebook), and now they do that in my home.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Sep 01, 2020 10:27 pm

Spent the entire day trying to get some action on the vandalism. Got even less than I thought. The apartment manager did ask the company, they denied it (who'd a thunk?) and that seemed to be good enough for him. I didn't really think that the company would lose it's contract with the complex and that the two jokers would be fired, but since I don't already have a shotgun to end it instantly after I go off on them, I thought trying to get some satisfaction would be as good a use of time and energy as any. I should have powered down a lot sooner though, as I'm really spun. I should have tried to go to sleep at, well, now o'clock, but that won't happen. A one star on yelp doesn't mean shit, and even if it did, those guys won't lose out. I hate people more every day. I hate myself more every day for letting these things happen without retaliation. I hate myself even more for being afraid all the time. I'm only sane in short bursts and sharp and strong for even shorter bursts. I hate being this.

Should probably spin and lift a little. Okay, I will. I think I'm even more the way I am than I think. I have to account for that even more than I think.

Was really close to getting a beatdown from those cops. they wanted to do it. If I'd been armed I might well have done all three of them right then. I hate cops. If they didn't think it was worth their time, why bother to show up? They do use that option here, the dispatch told me they might just call and tell me if the vandalism was citeable or if it was even worth a report, easy peasy. But the one joker wanted to escalate. They take turns at who's going to be the asshole. Fuck I hate these people.

I really think our society should be structured so that asshat comments are killing offences. We would have a better world.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Sep 02, 2020 2:23 am

I am at a point where I have imploded and am barely able to think, if I even am. The stress of these things has been killing me but I'm coming apart. You all know I have been for a while but it's getting worse. When I say I'm losing capacity, let me be clear: there was a time, about two months ago, when I was incapable of formulating thoughts. That extreme didn't last that long, a few hours, but I'm losing myself more and more. Right now I'm overwhelmed with stress to the point where I can't think clearly. I'm not even sure what I should have done today, or should do tomorrow. I'm typing these words and I understand what I mean, but my thoughts are becoming less and less cohesive and the exhaustion is mounting. I would like to believe tomorrow will be a restful day at least but I don't know that, at all. Thursday will be a hard day, Friday also, but the point I'm making now, to future me, not that he listens much, is that I can't do this. I'm disintegrating.

I did lift briefly but did not have it really. I need an even more simple daily default that I can do every day even a day like today. Sandbag cleans maybe? I thought that I would spin but . . . I don't even know. Spinning feels okay when I do it.

It's a bit hypocritical to say anything about anything when I'm this way. I was about to say I try to keep it together but that's crap. Sometimes I try. Today I made extra mistakes I didn't have to make, and oh yeah, forgot to push off which is okay at this pint since I have to sleep but it should have been done.

I have less capacity to deal with high doses of stress than anyone I have ever known. I can't fix it.

I tell myself that writing all this helps me and it feels like it does in the moment but I have not gotten better.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Sep 02, 2020 3:46 am

I also tell myself that most of this michegas is yet another kalasha but no, it's kind of the opposite: how I feel is how I really feel, how I really perceive the world, how I actually am, what it's like to be this thing I call me. It's way too much for me. It would be kinder if I had been killed instead of destroyed and set adrift.

Have to spin more. Also put way less shit in my head. And stop swirling around the same shit. Whether I have a day, a week, a month, or a year left, I have to stop with the dumb shit. I often can't figure out the right thing but I have to avoid the wrong thing. All that,and I will likely still be awake at 3:45 instead of going to sleep RFN.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by Bram » Wed Sep 02, 2020 5:35 am

Hey, I might have mentioned it before, but have you looked into therapy/medication for mental health?

I recently took a class on positive psychiatry ("the study of human flourishing" is what it means) and the teacher mentioned that depression is actually quite curable if the person seeks out treatment.

The big factor is connection, if you connect with the therapist, there's a large chance it will help.

Hang in there! :heart: Bram
"When you seek it, you cannot find it.” — Zen riddle

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Sep 02, 2020 11:37 am

This was mentioned a few pages back, and I have given up trying to find a good therapist. I had a really bad experience. Actually the one guy I'm still doing phone appts with is the one who hurt me. He savagely ripped into me, not "tough love" just being a sadistic prick, and I left his office feeling like I would never seek help again. The only reason I didn't tell him that is that he is the only one around here who makes any sense at all, and I may need more/different meds. He is responsive on that score.

The meds help a little. A lot actually but only a little.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Sep 02, 2020 12:38 pm

Would really like to make today a rest day but I don't know if that's possible.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but how does a person climb up? I have dropped into a pit and I don't know how to move up in any meaningful way. I know I have to stop digging. Okay, now what? I should mount my new big whiteboard but that's more than I can do today. Going to try to give myself some positive, non stressful inputs.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by Bram » Wed Sep 02, 2020 3:28 pm

motherjuggs&speed wrote:
Wed Sep 02, 2020 11:37 am
This was mentioned a few pages back, and I have given up trying to find a good therapist. I had a really bad experience. Actually the one guy I'm still doing phone appts with is the one who hurt me. He savagely ripped into me, not "tough love" just being a sadistic prick, and I left his office feeling like I would never seek help again. The only reason I didn't tell him that is that he is the only one around here who makes any sense at all, and I may need more/different meds. He is responsive on that score.

The meds help a little. A lot actually but only a little.
Luan D. Andrews is who I saw for a year in my late 20's. Forever changed my life for the better. For whatever anxiety I record in my journal, I still surf all the time, love my job, etc. I've recommended plenty of friends to her, at least one who still sees her.

She's extremely kind. Dunno if she does video conference therapy, but a lot of people are right now.

(858) 552-8181
"When you seek it, you cannot find it.” — Zen riddle

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Sep 04, 2020 3:26 am

Some diet notes --

I tried making rice and having it with the juices and/or grease from foods I cook. I didn't feel any better with more carbs but I did feel crappy if I had too much.

I ran out of rice and also rice cereal so I was basically zero carbing it for about a week. I didn't feel any different. Possibly less mental sharpness but there was a lot of mayhem that week so who knows.

I have not noticed a difference between having veggies and not. There was a time when spinach leaves seemed to do something but they kept going to waste because I forgot to have them. I stopped getting them and I don't feel different without any veggies or greens. I know what They say but I have not noticed a difference either way.

I have said before that I was eating way too much in 2005, to wit: a pound of sausage, a pound of chicken wings, a pound of beef, and a pound of turkey daily. Plus one or two quarts of milk. I was super fat but I also had a good amount of physical energy (I was lifting regularly but otherwise not doing much). I have been complaining about poor sleep, low energy, etc., but I wonder if I'm not eating enough. Seems crazy since fat loss should be a goal, and it is, but functioning better asap is more important. I'm going to try, just as an experiment, eating like 2005 for a week. Probably not so much with the milk though as I think it leads to less mental sharpness. I'll try it and see. It will be expensive to eat more but it's also expensive to keep fucking up, which might be related to sleep quality.

There is a difference between the crappy 2.49/lb frozen burgers in a box and fresh ground beef. The difference is small but it might be significant if it gets me over the threshold of activation, which is a term I just made up for whether I have enough oomph to do something instead of not.

Eggs seem to help a little. I feel a little more mental energy.

I tried having nuts but I have not noticed a real effect.

Trail mix puts me on the blood sugar roller coaster. There was a time when I thought I needed whatever pop I could get but getting into one of the lulls is bad if I'm out in the world. I tried it for writing and that doesn't work. What does work is (hypocrisy alert) KitKats. Just two sticks to get the party started when I sit down to write. Then a peanut butter cup or two if I've been a good boy and actually wrote something real.

Milk is a mixed bag since nothing else soothes the nerves nearly as well after a hard day but it does cause a noticeable decline in sharpness. I should probably order more of the dry milk in the tub and have it in reserve if needed but not as a daily thing.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Sep 04, 2020 10:38 pm

Upon further review it makes no sense to have the same amount as 2005 me, since I have a lot less muscle and and weigh less. But I do think I should probably increase my cals and (dum dum dum dum) fat (wooooaaahh!). My overall feeling of flatness, etc., I have been attributing to life stuff but shouldn't a person have some recovery? Seems like I should have some physical energy, more than I do anyway. So maybe sleep is still a factor, and maybe food is part of that.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Sep 04, 2020 11:05 pm

The screen time might be more of a factor than I think. Also I have not been doing good mental work most days. I have actually put a lot of time into one fictional series but it's one I will likely not publish or try to develop so that kind of thing should be minimized and my publishable or developable writing has to be increased a lot.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Sep 09, 2020 5:08 am

Box squats -- 95 x 4, 115 x 4

These were done to the bench. Had a long pause, actually sitting down on the bench deadstop and coming back up. No reason for that really, it just felt right. I'll probably do these the same day as RDLs.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Sep 10, 2020 7:20 am

100 mg IM Tuesday.

Box squat -- 95 x 4, 115 x 4
RDLs -- 115 for I think two sets
Also some bike. Have to do this daily or close to it. I have essentially zero cardio capacity.

Odd time thingy happening. I thought I did the last one on Monday but maybe it was Tuesday?

Very stressful day since the heat doesn't work so I may have to have those assholes in my apartment again. Damn it.

I may start having the beets again. I'll stay off till I do bloodwork then I'll see how the HCT is. I have noticed a real decline in energy since I went off the beets. I though maybe I would adjust to the altitude but in fact I seem to be running down.

I don't know if I will ever have any pop at all. I mean even when more depressed I sometimes felt something good. Now it's flat all the time and those are the good days. I came across a great rant by Rick Beato that got me off my ass and into the squat rack, will post it here once I can find it again. I will probably move my desk into my bedroom since I can't find a real answer for the door slamming. I tried wearing earplugs but I might like it better in there anyway, we'll see. Have to get another lamp but the slamming is killing me.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Sep 12, 2020 10:47 pm

Rows -- 155 x 8,8

Step ups -- Two sets, 5-6 reps each, alternating: left step up for a few reps, then right for a few reps. I've been hesitant to do these but today I thought to stand on a plate and have the bench where I could grab the rack for stability. I think these will be good for overall mobile-ity, to get used to moving myself.

Also some ab wheel.

Have to do stuff more regularly and more of it. I get bogged down with the same old same old when I don't keep moving.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Sep 16, 2020 10:28 am

Step ups -- 10 each side. I'm not so weak that I can't do more but they feel just barely stable.

Also some spinning. Went out too hard. Have to build up to, what? a half hour or so of mostly zone 1 or 2 with some higher wattage efforts. I must be getting into spinning since I'm using douchey terms like wattage.

BP -- 185 x 4

I've been getting back into listening to dzogchen teachings. I don't feel like doing more dzogchen is good right now but the teachings are good. They help get my thinking on a better path. There is a great talk by Bill Evans on YT about how to play jazz, which has helped me to understand some things about writing. The takeaway for tonight is to have the professional discipline to sit down and write. There will be a certain level there. The really high level stuff won't always come but there's a certain amount that will be there. I have to stop waiting for inspiration and just write, or just lift, or whatever the thing is. You guys might not believe this considering how much of a stressed out misanthrope I am, but I have worked some jobs that required a high level of customer service and I'm really good at it. Professional discipline. Have to apply that to the writing. Amanda Peet once said that Anne Meara told her, "As soon as you want to be good, you're dead.". Meaning stage fright, etc., will be worsened by the anxiety. Have to just write and if it's good, great, if not, I'm at least in the habit so the next day might be better.

Oh and I did move my desk into my bedroom. I don't know yet how much it will help with the slamming. I think I feel better in here anyway.
Last edited by motherjuggs&speed on Wed Sep 16, 2020 11:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Sep 16, 2020 11:37 am

Also have to get in the saddle earlier. It always used to take me a long time for my brain to warm up but I can't afford that time now since I run out of steam earlier in the day. Seems odd to write early but if that's the time I have, that's the time I have.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Sep 16, 2020 2:01 pm

The wakefulness is a major issue. The provigil makes it more pronounced, but I should keep taking it since I do think better and function better. I don't know what the answer is.

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