Eye of the Goat

Post your training journals here if you like. I'll make back-ups to avoid losing your data.

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motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Oct 11, 2020 6:35 pm

A central element in all this is my lack of awareness and common sense. I don't make inferences unless I'm outside the situation. These lackings extend even to my attempts to figure things out. I have spends thousands of hours trying to figure things out but I could have done it in a couple of hours at most for each topic. It was always so obvious, yet unless I specifically look at each piece, determine facts that are known or that can be reasonably inferred, ask what the thing to do is, and then have that as my default, I will keep making the same mistakes. With the same people even. So that has to be the process. I've started with listing each thing. I'm sure I'll think of more as I go.

Additionally I'm trying to figure out a way to make workouts more pleasant. I used to really like workouts yet I don't anymore. So I have to find a way to make them more pleasant. I had thought to do the TV/big monitor thing and might still do that. I'm also trying to figure an exercise selection that will hit the muscles I have to hit without me thinking, ok, let's get through this, and halfassing it and not getting results. I'm thinking something like going back to DBs and using them for most things. I'm going to box squat for now, then see how deep squatting feels.

Also have to log the test. I was doing that here but I've been forgetting to do it. Today is

100 mg test

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Oct 14, 2020 1:01 am

Ex bike -- 20 min
Curls, wrist curls, rev wrist curls -- empty bar x whatevs
Was going to squat but then got into taping my rack so it's less clanky.

I hurt so bad. I tend to not feel what I really feel. It was always insane for me to keep going. I'm also ashamed of having not realized how hopeless it was and how evil the people in my life were/are. I tend to not think about what life should be, and how much it hurts to not have it. I know that sounds crazy since it seems that's most of what I've been saying but it's true; I don't think about the real pain. I would have been simply curled up sobbing an hour ago if I even had the energy for that. I keep saying I'll put some of this into my writing, and I have, a little. I have to somehow do more, while also making plans.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Oct 14, 2020 1:28 am

If I want readers, and I do, then I have to publish already and stop posting the stories here.
Last edited by motherjuggs&speed on Thu Oct 15, 2020 7:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Oct 14, 2020 1:52 am

I'm taking down the stories. I think I may be letting out the steam by posting them here. I would like some beta readers though. If anyone has any thoughts on the ones you read I'd like to hear them.
Last edited by motherjuggs&speed on Thu Oct 15, 2020 7:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Oct 14, 2020 2:19 am

Made a surprising music discovery today. I had set my player to repeat a single song for writing. Today I let one song play over and over while lifting and I was surprised at how effective it was in getting me moving. So I'm going to see what songs I have that are kind of similar and try those.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Oct 15, 2020 8:17 pm

Yesterday's box squats were super weak and shaky. Have to do them frequently. I moved the bike and I think I have a good place to mount a TV so I can watch something while riding. 20 minutes is all I've been doing and that isn't nearly enough to get to 185, which is about the most I can weigh without looking shitty. I get really restless though and it's hard to keep at it. I don't know why that is but I think I'll do real work if I have something else to focus on.


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Bram
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by Bram » Thu Oct 15, 2020 9:00 pm

Good job squatting, curling, and biking!
"When you seek it, you cannot find it.” — Zen riddle

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Oct 16, 2020 12:39 am

It occurs to me that maybe, just maybe, the provigil has something to do with the non-connectedness. Maybe, maybe not.

It has been harder to get to sleep on the current diet. We'll see how this goes.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Oct 17, 2020 8:29 pm

Ex bike - 20 min, zone 2
Box squats were really not working. Not coordinated at all. Also really weak.
Press -- tried doing seated OH press. Felt really awkward with 135. I might try standing presses.
Also some curls and wrist curls but not enough. The only element where I did enough for where I am was ex bike.

It's really hard to get started and to work with enough effort. My feeling, both physically and emotionally, is that I've used up my hard effort. I certainly did exert a lot of hard effort earlier in my life and now I feel like doing anything much is too much. But I'm horribly out of shape, physically and for the inevitable demands of life. I'm not sure what the right way is. I thought test would help, thought maybe some meds would help, and I'm not improving at all.

Dietwise I'm on one pound of chicken breast and one pound of liver, plus a few eggs. I also have changed up the liver. I eat it half and half which seems better. Still no change in body comp. I'll see what change if any there is in two more weeks. I've been trying to watch the sneaky cals as well. So it's a half pound of chicken, have the rest of the chicken 2-3 hours later, then 2-3 hours later repeat with the liver. I'm chopping it in my blender. This works well if I do it a half pound at a time. I'm going to try making some salsa so it's less dry and bland.

Sleep quality has suffered but I have to get less fat. 230 is out of spec.

I have tried being less emotionally charged wrt to results and process. I'm generally either super excited, having too much enthusiasm, or rocking it like the "&%$# I suck" guy, or getting mired in depression, etc., and I think that has, in addition to the obvious flaws with that approach, also impaired my progress. I think being less emotional about things will maybe help. It's worth a try.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Oct 18, 2020 8:05 am

Ex bike -- 10 min and stopped, very frustrated that the bike computer isn't working again. I will probably have to ignore it and use something else for timing.
Press -- 135 x 3. Did these standing. Felt heavyish but not that bad but then had to stop.

Okay. I have to get it through my head that age is not just a number. I felt something go crunk in my upper back. I have to do high rep, low weight sets. I keep feeling like I'm so weak that I have to do some actual weight but my body keeps telling me no. My trap and lat on the right side still feel a little sore from three weeks ago. So I have to do easyish stuff. Maybe that will lead to strength, maybe not, but I've got to stop breaking things.

Likewise my big quest for Understanding. I have to chip away at this too.

I've been saying that "I can't . . .". But why am I unwilling to do the better things?

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Oct 18, 2020 10:13 am

I wish I could stop puzzling over some things. It does me no good. It's made me worse. Some things are so obvious to me now, so those other things I keep wondering about are probably also obvious. Yet they still aren't, at least to me.

I have a hard time getting started. I know this and don't have a fix. I suppose I should make an itinerary first thing each day for everything I want to get done (other than the stuff I already have to do that day) and then try to meet those time points for each item. Maybe designate a whiteboard for the daily itinerary.

In an odd way I'm getting more sane despite regressing. I'm feeling more of what I really feel. It hurts but it's the only way -- devolving into not feeling what I feel has hurt me way more than feeling like myself. And the darkness is horrible, and non-survivable. I keep saying I'll stop the darkness but then having relapses. The crazy thing though is, sometimes that's when I have a real breakthrough: the fog cracks and I grok some things. I'd like a healthy way to get that.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Oct 19, 2020 4:36 am

It also occurs to me that maybe the omission of the beets has led to a further decline. I'll pick some up.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Oct 19, 2020 11:24 am

Another element in this is: my defeatedness has metastasized. I've been so totally crushed so hard and so often that I'm just dismantled. Plus many of these failures have been evidence that I'm just completely hopeless. I try to tell myself things but I can't lie to myself. I don't know how a person can have any belief if he doesn't have it. Fridge magnet philosophy isn't what I need here and that's all that seems to be out there in the books, blogs, etc., wrt this point. I need some kind of real reason to believe and I don't see how there can be any. At this point, people always say, "sounds like you've made up your mind", etc. But I'll hash this out in the hopes that I can think of some way to at least have the capacity and desire to attempt to do the things I want to do, the ones that are still possible anyway. Okay, here goes: Can I play in the NFL? Obviously the answer is no. That's not my "attitude", belief, etc., but simply a fact. Closer in, could I deadlift 500 if there was a reason to do so? I don't know but it would be hard to push myself as hard as I'd have to without having the feeling that I could do it -- no wait, that's not it. If I doubt that I can it's hard to even summon the focus and energy. But that's not it either, although that's a part of it. What it is, is this: people do get defeated. I'm really beaten down and I can't think of any way to put anything back in. Granted much of what I've lost has been self inflicted but it's still there. So I don't know how to build back up, or how to do the things I have to do without that juice.

It may not be possible. It may be, likely is, that the traditional view is correct. The best I can think to do is to let my brain rest, meaning to stop doing things that can hurt and just work the process on things. Stoicism doesn't help me to write though. I don't know, but that's also crap since I have failed to put forth a reasonable effort for a reasonable amount of time. I have always disliked the serenity prayer, but I could use the wisdom to know the difference.

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Bram
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by Bram » Mon Oct 19, 2020 4:11 pm

MJS,

I am barraging you with the unsolicited.

After five years of being an anorexic (high school to soph in college), and working out six days a week, and making no progress...I bought a muscle and fitness and copied the generic diet they shared — six months later I had gained forty pounds and had six percent body fat.

That chicken and liver diet is super cockamamie, just grab some standard fitness-nutrition advice and go get some killer progress.

Yeeew
"When you seek it, you cannot find it.” — Zen riddle

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