Eye of the Goat

Post your training journals here if you like. I'll make back-ups to avoid losing your data.

Moderator: Dux

Post Reply
motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Feb 28, 2020 11:53 pm

Every day I think the same things when I get tired. those things are real. It's wrong for me to push them aside.

Also have to have a schedule: write first, then do the things of the day, then lift right after, and then read. Online stuff will come last and be carefully considered and be sharply reduced unless it's really important. Important for my life, that is -- there's lots of big news but if I'm not doing anything about it then I shouldn't waste time on much of it.

I also have to watch the downtime. This is very wasteful and harmful. I have been thinking "oh I'm so stressed now I have to let myself off the leash" and then do really harmful web stuff and media watching. I have to vet things rigorously and only do things that are on the approved list. I keep saying this but then having a relapse. Have to stick to the plan until a better plan comes along.

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Mar 01, 2020 3:41 am

RDLs -- 135, 2 sets of 7 I think
Rows -- 135, 2 sets of 5

Grip was really weak. The bar felt super heavy. The effort it took to take it off the hooks seemed like I'd be near 1RM to even row it at all. Rows weren't that hard but I felt like doing more might cook me. Was going to bench after but I felt uuhhh.

Weight is 242, down from 250 on Jan 6. The diet seems okay so far. The calorie reduction has added a little mental sharpness, not counting the valve episode when I was tired.

I've been taking lion's mane mushroom capsules for a week or so. It seems to help with focus and getting in gear. It for sure helps me to not run slam out of steam halfway through the day. Also taking 2 or 3 scoops of Bountiful Beets. That helps also with not feeling so rundown.

I have always felt like I needed some oomph to do things. But I don't have it right now. The last several years I've simply been inactive much more than not, partly due to energy but also due to habit. I have to do stuff each day than I can and not waste energy I don't have trying to make myself feel like it. Just go through the motions if it's an indoors thing. I'll still get spun up for dealing with the world.

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Mar 02, 2020 6:29 am

You know those fighters who only fight well once they get hit? I really do seem to be unable to think clearly, big picture clearly that is, except when I'm spun up and usually only when I'm really unhappy.

OK, just had another really pointless jag of online crapola. I keep saying i'm going to stop.

Maybe I can write a hundred word story or two so it's not completely shot.
Last edited by motherjuggs&speed on Sat Mar 07, 2020 3:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Mar 02, 2020 1:04 pm

Going to try to work this out in an essay but I'll jot this down --

People often think that, when something isn't working, that there should be a template to follow, a cookbook procedure so things go right. They also tend to break things down into components, but the successful people don't do either usually. For example, a person struggling to read well can't slow down -- it's impossible to read well below a certain speed. Along the same lines, comedy or most sporting activities have to be just done. Worked out, yes, but not mechanical --you can't overthink it and have any chance at all of success. One thing many people struggle with when learning to ride a unicycle is the idea that they're going too fast. You have to go ~9MPH, going slow is 20X harder. I have made these mistakes. I thought I had to look at elements, and to some extent I did, but you have to live life in the meantime, and just like football, you can't play life half speed. There's also no formula, or there are some for some domains but even chess is too complex for any cookie cutter procedure to work and life is infinitely more complicated than that.

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Mar 03, 2020 2:46 pm

As mentioned I'm not actually quite as low on energy as I feel like I am. Meaning a lot of my energy is sort of frozen inside. I'm really angry, which seems to be 99% of the emotion I'm capable of feeling since 2009. Yesterday I felt flat and unmotivated as per usual but then had a sudden burst of anger triggered by something I was reading. That woke me up a lot. I wrote for a few hours.

Also juggled a little or tried to. It's utterly not happening. I don't know what to even look at for the cause.

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Mar 04, 2020 12:46 pm

Going to see if I can write something on this, just wanted to put it here to remind myself and maybe someone will find it of interest. I thought about taking a walk a while ago but then really really didn't want to, in fact that feeling was so strong I think I want to never take another nighttime walk ever. Which I used to like to do and did all the time. The fear hit me so hard and I don't think it was just a mood, I think that I felt, do feel, how dangerous and unpleasant it really is to walk at night. Right this second it seems utterly insane to do such a thing and I'm amazed that I ever didn't see it or feel this way, like if i used to play with baby rattlesnakes. There's nothing good that can happen and several really bad things that aren't unlikely at all, in fact one of them, getting hassled by cops, has happened a lot and another, getting physically attacked, has happened several times, one of those times leaving me nowhere near the person I once was. I was insane to take that risk. I often am astounded at the things I used to do and think. Basically every single component of the Boston saga was utter madness. I don't want to dismiss my current feeling as a mood or something. I really think these feelings which we tend to brush aside are more true and more real, and more wise, than our daily default of suck it up and push through it. I did that way too much in my life. I don't know exactly what to do with this idea but it's important.

Edit: Oh and of course getting hurt once and nearly hurt several other times walking at night.
Last edited by motherjuggs&speed on Thu Mar 05, 2020 4:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Mar 04, 2020 11:31 pm

Curls -- 65 -- two sets of 6, felt really heavy
BP -- 185 x 3, 2 sets. Felt really heavy and awkward

Also some ab wheel. Tried step ups but I don't think these are a good idea now, I feel too wobbly and not coordinated enough

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Mar 06, 2020 2:48 am

Made an interesting discovery. I can get to the river by a route close by that I didn't know was there. I might start doing this walk in the late afternoon. Sunset on the river has an appeal.

Also did about 3 minutes of heavyhands stuff. I'll start with with the lightest DBs and work up.

I feel a lot more tired today that I should. I'm also becoming aware of how unfocused I am. I mean this is obvious -- I've been here almost a year and I didn't even think to explore where the streets in the neighborhood might lead. I knew I was close to the river and didn't think to look for a way down there. I'd like to find a way to become more aware and feel less disconnected from my senses. It's been really bad, worse than I even thought.

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Mar 07, 2020 1:36 am

Juggling -- no. just no.

curls -- 2 sets of 15 w/ 45

The new stack is working but I feel ever more rundown. I think emotions are a big part of this. I also feel disconnected most of the time. I don't know how to improve this.

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Mar 07, 2020 5:04 am

I need more simple volume that's not that screwupable and also something where I can just do it without any setup or thinking. That would be the ideal, and as close as I can get to that is what to plan for. So that would be another point in favor of a trainer or stationary bike. I know I can ride and it's something where I can get some volume in without a lot of mental strain. The rack setup is about dialed in I think, just have to make that an every other day thing, not a once a week thing.

I feel like the essay collection isn't done but it will be December before it's done if I don't get on it. I think I have to get it in the can already.

In other news, in either my more self critical moments or else when I'm feeling energetic or in an okay mood I feel like I should push myself to do a lot more. I can do a lot more but not as much more as I sometimes think.

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Mar 08, 2020 2:25 am

juggling -- still not working

BP -- 205 x 3, 1; 185 x 5; 155 x 6

I thought I had maybe more strength than that. It felt like I might.

Also some curls.

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Mar 08, 2020 4:19 pm

400 mg provigil does help a lot with mental energy. But I've been awake 23 hours. I don't know if this is to be expected or not. I mean I know it does this but to this extent?

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Mar 10, 2020 12:14 pm

Have been chewing nicotine gum for a short term boost in concentration once a day. Seems to work. My current stack also seems to work, although I really wonder about the lack of clarity. I'm also worried that I may be simply declining rapidly.

It's harder to lie to myself these days. In theory this is probably good. My escapism usually has very destructive results.

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Mar 12, 2020 4:54 pm

I just ordered everything I'm planning to order online ahead of possible supply chain disruptions*. Going to stock my chest freezer with several weeks of food at least. Will pick up some more basic clothing items so I have to do wash less often. I'm pushing hard to do everything I can the next week or two, and then hole up in my apartment as much as possible. Partly to reduce the likelihood of illness, partly to avoid mayhem, partly to prevent being in the ER when it's jam packed.

My pathologically low tolerance for stress has caused me 10000X times more stress, again and again. Trying to do this one right.


*It's more than possible, Miss Carter. It's damned likely.

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Mar 13, 2020 3:06 am

Hauling in my freezer and moving some stuff was today's w/o.

I didn't take my stack due to having labs done. I feel a lot more tired at day's end.

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Mar 13, 2020 5:42 pm

Increased awareness has mostly been a cause of even more emotional pain. I'm honestly baffled why I seem to be the only one in my life who has gotten the treatment I've gotten from people. I mean I know people suck in general but I've gotten so much more than anyone I know, and of a variety I didn't realize was so common, namely gaslighting. It's bad enough that people bring the hate but they then will tell me I'm too dumb to understand what they meant. All the time. I don't know what's wrong with me that I kept trying to have a social life. I'm also baffled why it's always me, in any group ever. I don't understand how society functions, why there aren't fights all the time and people getting fired all the time, which is what would happen if people did these things to each other at anything like the rate they do them to me. No one would have a job. No one would have any relationships. People would be getting punched in the face routinely. On a related note, I don't know how people can tell themselves that the people in their lives are good people. It doesn't take anything at all for people to be really ugly, and people still act like the people that you meet, when you're walking down the street, each day, are anything other than vipers. I mean I was oblivious but other people aren't, so how can they continue? Why do they?

You can tell I'm tired. I didn't think yesterday was that hard but I'm tired. Stressful dreams, which is common. Need more sleep.Or at least just go back to bed. I hate wasting so much of my life in bed but it's the time I feel least bad. It's bad but it's all I ever feel like doing.

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Mar 14, 2020 4:07 pm

BP -- 155 x 10

Thought I wanted to lift maybe, stressed and thought it might help, but I waited until my nerves were used up.

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Mar 14, 2020 11:04 pm

An hour later, felt like doing a little more

BP -- 155 x 10

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Mar 15, 2020 3:54 am

Have to figure out either my stack or my schedule. 400 mg provigil does a lot for my executive function, mental energy, and cognition, but it makes it harder to get to sleep, to say the least. I've been up 25 hours, not tired. Cooked, but not tired. Maybe I should do a bunch of volume each day. I don't know.

Stress is super high for all of us of course and it's been messing with me. I'm not that scared of being one of the seriously ill ones, maybe foolish optimism but I basically don't get sick. I was sick for a few weeks in January so maybe I had it already [hunkering behind the door waiting for the CDC to bust in]. I have some hard decisions to make as we all do and it's been hard. I should probably stop reading about the science for hours every day, stop looking at the damn outbreak map, and just focus on what I have to do.

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Mar 15, 2020 6:44 pm

Took a walk down to the river, about a mile total.

Then was going to do RDLs but 155 is apparently a limit deadlift now. Tired anyway so bagged it.

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Mar 16, 2020 7:46 pm

Walk to the river and back

SQ -- 65 was going to be the first warmup set but my back doesn't like what I did yesterday so I stopped

RDLs -- 65 x 10 for recovery from yesterday.

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Mar 17, 2020 6:11 am

Awake 25 hours. Drinking sleepytime tea, will take a unisom if the other stuff doesn't work quickly.

I have to eat earlier and a little more. I was almost asleep seven hours ago, then got up for a little bit. For the eleventy bazillionth time, sleep has to be a priority, planned and carried out every day.

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Mar 19, 2020 10:31 am

It's worse when I feel bad.
It's worse when I try to feel not so bad.
It's worse when I try to feel good.
It's worse when I try not to feel.
Stoicism has made things worse for me. It may be hard to believe but a major problem for me in my life was sucking it up, turning off my emotions, and doing hard things. Those things destroyed me.
It's worse when I try to escape into my mind or distractions.
It's not so good either to try to be, IDK what to call it, all David Brooks-y. That is another kind of lie which cuts me off from what I should and do feel.
When I try to "focus on the present", etc., I'm not really seeing the big picture then either.

I just thought of this: It's like my memory system is in my emotions. Meaning I somehow store information there and it gets accessed later. I basically never respond the way I should in any difficult situation. I have tried many flavors of the Things People Say, gurus, etc., and it basically never works. In my lucid moments I'm astounded and dismayed but somehow I don't stay on a reasonable path for long. I will likely be uncorking an epic rant in another hour. Was going to try to sleep, should have taken a unisom 4 hours ago, then the emotional turmoil got to me. Will go to sleep now. The thing is, none of the things I do to "cope" work at all or ever did. Working on my stuff is the only thing that helps but I really can only do a few hours of productive work each day at best. I used to read the rest of the time but I'm finding that hard to do these days.

motherjuggs&speed
Staff Sergeant
Posts: 265
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Mar 20, 2020 6:14 pm

So much pain right now. I feel the mistakes and pains of my life. People say that's living in the past but that's stupid: I physically feel what's missing. What can't be put in at this point. Gary V says that part of him wishes that tomorrow he would wake up and honestly not care about business anymore, to hell with buying the Jets, and cash out to spend time with his family. I can't seem to make myself okay with ending it. Somehow that idea really bothers me. It's irrational. I keep saying that I will do some things. I have to put those things on the list.

It seems to me that I'm lifting more often than I actually am.

Up 22 hours. The provigil does help, a lot, but damn, it's easy to stay up too long.

User avatar
Fat Cat
Jesus Christ®
Posts: 38781
Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2005 4:54 pm
Location: 鬼ヶ島

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by Fat Cat » Fri Mar 20, 2020 6:28 pm

Hey friend, you sound like you're struggling. I send good vibes and shoot me a PM if you want to talk.
Image
"Remember that you have no companion but your shadow." -Genghis Khan

Post Reply