Eye of the Goat

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motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Apr 15, 2020 2:08 pm

A huge mistake I've been making is to do something to break out of my rut and not think at all about the risk in what I'm doing.

Another huge mistake is to have "avoid making any mistakes" as a strategy. This isn't so good either since the status quo is unacceptable. Plus, the world keeps moving so I can do "nothing" and still get hit hard by things Out There. Out There is really scary which is one reason why I try to hide in here. But there's little real comfort there. In fact it would have been better had I never gotten any relief inside since I adopted that as my main defense.

This relates to last week. I did even more Bozo no-nos than I thought. I have to reassess some more, and then some more after that.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Apr 15, 2020 5:01 pm

Okay. Yet another reassessment. I just had about 90 minutes of total panic which did not need to happen. That was a jolt of panic that I did not need at all.

It did make me more aware of some things, but damn.

I had another idea though which I will write something about.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Apr 16, 2020 12:02 am

Tried to lift a little after that but it wasn't happening. Then wasted much time doing more online crap. Didn't enjoy it either. Got more stressed and depressed. I did have another realization but these are usually super obvious things that finally clicked and should have decades ago.

One big problem I have is, when I get a jolt of stress I don't think clearly. So I could have resolved the problem in 20 minutes if I even thought that was necessary, but no. I went totally bananas, thinking the worst, and I got it figured out, no problem at all, totally self created mayhem. I keep saying I have to do better about this but I wonder. I'm only slightly better than I ever was, or maybe that's not it: I was in the .1 centile at dealing with stress, now I'm all the way up to 1. Almost everyone I have ever encountered is way better at dealing with stress than me. I kept hoping to fix it or improve it enough so it's not ruining me but that has not happened.

Which that led to me not powering down when I should have and not getting to sleep on time. I'm so frazzled that I want to go walk or something but I know me, it's best if I stay inside until I get a night's sleep.

This illustrates another reason why I should get a stationary bike despite the cost: it would be good to have something non stressful and nondisasterable to do when I'm like that.

An additional thought: almost all of what I thought was enjoyable in my life really isn't and wasn't. Also most of it was a total waste and also harmful. I don't know why I didn't understand this sooner.

Edit: Actually I do understand part of it: I almost never asked myself if what I'm doing now is the best use of my time and energy? Is this something I should stress over or have in my head at all? The answer would have been no 99.9% of the time if I had asked myself that. I say I lack judgement but that's not entirely true.

Edit 2 Electric Boogaloo: My new answer to myself wrt "why did I . . ." : Because your default setting sucks. Always has. Fight his every day, every minute.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Apr 17, 2020 1:58 am

I knew that trazodone was suppressing dreaming and I knew that was a problem but I didn't act. There was a time when trazodone and ambien were life-saving, literally, since I would have had to kill myself if I didn't get some sleep. And the trazodone helps me to get to sleep quickly, or within an hour or so at least, and not lie there for hours and hours and end up not getting enough sleep. But the lack of REM sleep has been messing me up, just have not had the brainpower and have felt more flat than the low T and depression account for. Today I took unisom instead and had a lot of really vivid dreams. Today I feel a lot better. So I'll maybe alternate or something.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Apr 17, 2020 2:56 pm

BP -- 205 x 2, 185 x 5, 2 sets, second one was hard to finish. Then did 155 x 6 to warmdown. Tried ab wheel after but was really not coordinated.

I wasted 4 hours out of my life procrastinating and avoiding before this. Resistance, yuck. Have to keep asking myself The Question: What should I do right now, this very instant?

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Apr 18, 2020 11:22 am

I wrote an essay about this and still I've been doing it: I made a list of the biggest Things to Avoid Doing. That actually makes those things more in my life. I'm going to try simply excising them from my life without energy or attention, like the way I don't binge on cricket.

Once again I took unisom instead of trazodone and had a bunch of dreams. So I will try to lay off the trazodone for now.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Apr 20, 2020 7:54 pm

RDLs -- 115 x 10 or so

I tried doing a longer warmup and also listening to music instead of counting reps. Also I wore sweats and a hoodie instead of my usual shorts and T shirt,and didn't sit down at all between sets. So it was 65 x 20,15, 95 x 15, 115 x 10, then tried another set but didn't have much left so ended there.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Apr 21, 2020 5:37 am

I should be really tired. I have no idea why i'm so spun up. My walk to the river was kind of hard, I felt tired after lifting, and I should be cratering but I'm amped. I didn't have anything today that I don't normally take. This sucks.

The only possibility that I can think of is that I maybe took too much provigil. I don't know how I could have done that but it's the only thing I can think of. I'll get one of those pill boxes old people use to make sure I don't take too much. I did have a little more coffee but that should have worn off hours ago.

It's also possible that the extra reps I did revved me up but I would have thought that effect would also have worn off hours ago.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Apr 21, 2020 10:01 am

I don't understand this bout of non-sleepiness. Sometimes I understand it but this one puzzles me. I'm really tired brainwise but i have energy and am not at all inclined to lie down although I will after I eat. I feel shitty when I'm tired mostly because my default setting of denialism isn't there and I'm faced with the truth.

I need another element of sleep prep. I have meds and sleepy time tea but I need something else to make me want to power down, something that will compel me to at least stop being spun up.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Apr 21, 2020 12:31 pm

I don't know how to call up sanity when I need it. I'm never quite right except on rare occasions. Plus the things I want are either impossible now or unwise. I keep trying but that's not true: I sort of try but I have not really worked it. I could have gotten down to 190 easy by now instead of 236.

I'm probably going to take another walk to air out my brain a little. Maybe I'll just sit outside instead of expending more energy. Been up 24 hours. I would take an ambien RFN except that if I don't eat enough nothing works. I'll eat and try the meds.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Apr 21, 2020 10:04 pm

I'm aware for a short time when I first wake up. Right now awareness is declining rapidly and my usual stuff is powering up.

I have so much regret but that only hurts, never helps. I have to figure out what to do today.

How I feel and what I think are not to be trusted. That's not it, though: not only are my thoughts and feelings not right, they are almost always wrong. Even when I'm right, I'm wrong, as my response is wrong. 99% of the time. This understanding has led to a form of either stagnation or fearfulness, both of which cause other problems.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Apr 27, 2020 9:53 am

I seem to maybe have more energy with 200 mg provigil instead of 400. But I might have just had a little too much of the new go juice.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Apr 27, 2020 9:53 pm

Going to the clinic tomorrow to see about getting on T and Hcg. Hopefully I'll get it and it will work.

I have a lot of anxiety about the trip. More and more I feel fear about things I used to do routinely. I think my current thoughts are closer to truth.

I'll chill for a day or two and then resume lifting. But if the doc gives me a big shot of T I'll get a lift in. That is unless you see me on the 11 O' Clock news: "Steroid-crazed rampage".

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Apr 28, 2020 9:22 pm

Went to the clinic. Details later.

Really blew this one though. I made several huge mistakes. I have to plan things for who I really am, not some idealized version of me.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Apr 28, 2020 10:31 pm

Holy hell am I tired. Last night I took both unisom and trazodone but got zero sleep. Up 27 hours. would take ambien right now except I know I have to eat more or I won't sleep. But when I'm this tired it's hard to eat. I have to power down and I will but I often feel like I have to let my head fizz a little in order to get to sleep.

I have to practice talking to people. The doc visit went ok but I get so little practice talking to normal people that it doesn't go well. This has been a problem for a lot longer than I realized. I don't know of a low impact way of doing this.

I'll post more tomorrow but I really have to get on top of my blood sugar. Also I have to stop taking the beets even though they give me energy , details on bloodwork later. Bad cholesterol is really high as well. I also gained some weight back??? So the results are mixed. Mostly things are ok except for testosterone which I figured, everything else good except a few things really not good. Not bad enough to not get on T, but I have to fix them RFN. He's starting me on 140 mg/week. He'd prefer me to push off every 3 1/2 days but seemed okay with 100 every five days. I'll try it his way first.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Apr 29, 2020 2:40 am

Okay, this time I really am taking all the drugs and going to sleep. As soon as I finish cooking my turkey, which hopefully I won't burn it, set off the alarm, etc.

32. Hours. Since sleep. I have to sleep now and make sure this doesn't recur. I'm really feeling bad, plus I ran slam out of peanut butter which is a good go-to food for powering down. Actually I don't feel bad exactly but I know I'm going to start seeing The Ghost of Christmas Past any moment now.

I have Rx's for several good and helpful meds but I need a "turn off the main switch now" thing. I'm trying to wind down but I have to turn off before I fuck up horribly. Going to lie down and stay horizontal until sleep occurs. This is really bad. Today was really bad as well, made some gigantic mistakes. Have to plan way better.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Apr 29, 2020 8:40 pm

I have to make myself do things. Yesterday the thing to do when getting home was to wolf food down even if not really hungry and lie down despite feeling spun up. Didn't get to sleep until the 36 hour mark. Got to prevent that. Slept 12 hours which wasn't enough. Flat today.

I have to stop with the beets. I'll go over the main points of the labs in a day or two.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Apr 29, 2020 8:58 pm

Once again I made a gigantic life destroying type mistake right after making progress. I got my Rxs and immediately started driving without checking my oil and stuff. The rape van started running wrong and our hero took, let's see, about 20 miles before stopping to check instead of instantly. I was super low on oil, hopefully I didn't do something horrible. Plus I waited too long to leave and drove 65+ to get there instead of my usual 53. More self destroying actions. Also I managed to get sort of lost despite starting out one mile from the road I needed. I don't feel it either.: Thinking errors don't manifest as something wrong, I just go on about what I'm doing and make big mistakes. Also made a mistake yesterday morning. My executive functioning still sucks.
Will lift tomorrow but today I'm inert.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Apr 30, 2020 3:26 am

When I'm this tired it really is best to do nothing. Hopefully days like this will be less frequent on test.

I have a thought I'll try to flesh out in an essay but there's this idea that a given trait or mental state exists along a continuum of states and that different points are close together or far apart and sometimes opposites but that's not true. Introversion and extroversion are thought of as being opposite traits, that if you're high on one you must be low on the other, but that's not right. Usually a person will be high in one or the other but you can have both. I used to be high in both at different times. Sometimes I'm able to do certain kinds of work when I'm foggy, other times I can't do them even when I'm sharp.

I tend to think of my traits as being in a basket and I have one trait or habit because I have that set, and that explains why I do other things. But I don't think that's helpful except to prevent me from trying things. For example I should never have tried to play any sport that requires vertical leaping ability. On a daily basis though I do things, and I explain them by saying I'm the kind of person who does x, but that is probably false. The main or maybe only value in the type of person theory is that I should check to make sure I'm not doing x again. Double and triple check, but proceed if I've done a proper amount of checking.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri May 01, 2020 8:07 am

Getting test via the clinic route is super expensive, way way more expensive than the last place. I'll look for a new place since this is just too much. I thought to not do it at all for that reason but I'm desperate for improvement and I'm hoping test will help. I'm starting on 140 mg/week and we'll see. If there isn't a big change then I'll go back to being this. Hopefully I can reach higher levels of capacity but I have to be honest, I can do a lot better than I am doing with no more capacity than I have now. I've been doing nowhere near what I have to do, and while it's true that I have maybe six hours of energy on a decent day, I waste a lot of time and do a lot of dumb things. I'm going to be super depressed for the next few days over today in fact, I had two realizations that really depress me.

Feeling bad is both inescapable and an illusion. The illusory part is that if I do right I feel right. Not exactly but I feel okay-ish for a while. I have to mechanically do things. I hurt so much though that the feelings are hard to not succumb to. But I know that feeling the way I feel only hurts. It also makes no sense to try to find a way to not feel bad while not making progress, that would be illusory. Most of my life was spent in that state, of trying to feel good without getting real things, things to feel good about. So my quest for an emotional painkiller is insane, all the more so since I wrote an essay on that exact idea three years ago. I have to do the things I have to do. It would be nice to have some relief, some way to have a little ease of the harsh edges but that doesn't seem doable right now.

Probably the thing to do is keep taking my dose that is covered and supplement a little with the other rx. I keep making mistakes, probably this was another one. I have to level up my awareness a lot. Dzogchen is actually painful right now, not physically but emotionally. Lama Surya Das says that this is common, when people gain a lot of awareness but their lives are the same it puts them out of balance. I feel strongly that I'm in that zone. I have to keep thinking about ways to do a piece of what I need.

I know what the list is. Have to work the list.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun May 03, 2020 3:58 am

BP -- 185 x 4. Thought about pushing for 5 but why 5? I like 4 better. I felt tired but I've been inactive. Also juggled a little. I'm not going to get after any physical goals right now except fat loss and getting my glucose down.

Getting more depressed by the day.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun May 03, 2020 8:50 pm

"You can fight your own nature but you never win the fight." I read that recently and it's true. You can't win the battle really and you will lose the war.

I'm going to add some low impact cardio. Also change my lifting a little. I have felt so weak that I wanted to up the weights and then add volume. But that has not worked. I'll try adding volume first.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon May 04, 2020 11:37 am

Did ok today. Got one thing done and worked hard and well on another project.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue May 05, 2020 12:18 am

Could not sleep. Didn't eat enough for as long as I was awake.

I have to add a lot more elements back in. Hopefully T will help but that's only one piece. I also have to live a healthy life which I have not done, ever. I have either been physically active and abusing my health and wellbeing in other ways, or else turning to crap with no healthy activity, or not enough and/or the wrong kind. I might work up to hiking a peak near me that's about 3 miles, 2000 ft. elevation. Just because it's there but I really don't think that's the direction I should be going. Might be a thing to check off.

But then, a lot of these challenges I set for myself are really an excuse to not do what I should be doing. Instead of planning to climb that mountain I should put my book of essays out there and do other life things, not phony challenges that don't mean anything. If I'm going to pursue a physical goal it should be go do something in juggling, where I once had some skill and might still do something that's something. Being one of 100 people to have done 7 clubs would be something. Being the millionth person to climb some hill isn't anything. I had said to a friend about my issues, "F (someone we know) would never have done that". To which he said, "It's not his challenge". I get that now. I tend to do things that aren't where I should focus and substitute a surrogate activity instead. Juggling was that and still would be except I would like to get some hard skill in the can so I don't feel as ashamed, having never done anything.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue May 05, 2020 3:22 am

Juggled a little. Not really happening. It's too windy also. It will take a lot of work to get to a level that's worth anything. I think the amount of work it will take would not be worth it for anything I can really do. I tried listing to music and that helped a little.

The emotional component is big here. I may not be able to "be twelve" anymore, trying something over and over in different ways, not caring about the thousands of failures. I get so worked up and also bogged down with failure. I feel like I've also used up most of my twelve. Other failures also weigh heavily.

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