Eye of the Goat

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motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue May 05, 2020 9:00 am

I really don't understand the thought process I usually use. I don't understand how I could possibly have thought most of what I thought. It's an oddly specific form of derangement. I'm also aware that I'm in a spiral but am only partly able to break out of it.

Interesting that the clinic doc wants my HCT down but he sent me a vial of B12. I'll try it, though. I may take a shot before getting my test injection. Just to see what effect it has. Hopefully I won't wig out like Jo Bob.


motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue May 05, 2020 10:25 pm

Have to do the right thing all the time. Was super tired today and ran an errand anyway. Major snafu. Would not have happened if I'd stayed home. Have to plan ahead and also make sure to do the least bad thing if there's a schedule conflict.

The last two days I haven't eaten enough. I mean it's probably enough in theory but not enough to sleep right. So I'm tooled. Have to figure this out. Have to get the fat down. maybe it's total food intake and not the calorie deficit that affects sleep. But I don't think that's it since when I do more I have the same problem. I have to get the fat down though. Also have to get the bloodwork in line. I talked to my primary today and he said the insurance will want to see more labs with no elevated HCT. My primary is a tool generally but he was okay today, trying to get the insurance to stop being dummies.

Stress is high but then it always is.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu May 07, 2020 6:01 am

Pushed off. 100 mg, Sub Q. Also .5 mg anastrozole.

Got my drugz today. Some of them anyway. The insurance is being a little slow to approve the other but no biggie.

Took a walk, about two miles. I saw a little bridge across the Rio Grande and walked down there to check it out. Don't know what the deal is but there's about six Keep Out signs on it plus the gate's locked so no go. I'd kind of like to walk down to the river, swim across, then hike up Caballo Cone. Seems much more in the spirit of the thing than driving to the trailhead. Not stoked about parking there anyway. It's maybe five miles walk to the trailhead from home so that seems a bit much for where I am now.

I realize that in some ways my upbringing gave me a skewed perspective on people. I didn't think of the small town I spent my first decade or so in as especially friendly but it really was compared to everywhere else I've lived. The right concept isn't "why is everyone so hostile?", it's "why do I keep expecting otherwise?".

Also juggled a little or tried to. Had nothing. Tried to lift after but had a Big Kahuna Nothingburger. Possibly due to not having eaten. I'm trying to really get on top of the fat loss. Have been cutting cals, maybe too much but I have to get in good shape. Now that I have T, I'll lift more frequently and see if I can do something. If I get can six clubs, great, but I'm not going to spend four months struggling to do things I used to warm up with.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu May 07, 2020 10:52 pm

Day One of the Great Blackout. It's still three hours from sundown so there isn't much rioting in the streets just yet.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu May 07, 2020 11:06 pm

Chillins, gather round while I tell ya'll about the time of the Outage. We couldn't do anything for near bout an hour. We didn't have no power, no nothing. Without the Net some folks couldn't handle it, went plumb insane. Some said it might be the End Times. When it was over we had a hard time getting going again. Had to reset the router and redo the wifi password. We made it but we lost a few along the way.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri May 08, 2020 3:33 am

BP -- 135 x 12,11

Was going to do more but ran out of stream. I feel zero test. Maybe I messed up the injection somehow being out of practice? I'll do IM next time. I realize sub-q is a slower release but I feel nothing.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat May 09, 2020 11:50 am

500 IU hCG sub Q, 100 mg test IM.

A little soon maybe after the last injection but I felt nothing so I thought I'd see how this goes.

I have to stop venting so much here and put this angst into my stories. I have two collections of 100 word stories I'm working on, one about the virus. I might post some here if anyone's interested.

Also did some EMS. I'll do this more since it causes a way more powerful contraction.

Have to watch all the bad things 1000X more. I have crossed some dangerous thresholds, psychologically and physically. The brain is physical. The harmful things are really doing a lot of damage. They always did but sometimes I felt like I could shake off the harm. Not anymore. I have to be like Kant. I said that a while ago and I really have to stay on that. I have moods when I say fuck it but that's always bad. The good news is, those moods don't last long. I have to let them wash away, like tears in rain.

Edit; more and more though I feel myself thinking, at odd moments when I'm trying to indulge in escapism (I believe it is at odd moments that we feel what we really feel) that all other considerations should be dismissed and only two facts are of importance:

Firtly, horrible things can happen. It is of the highest possible priority that I prevent any more of them. Compared to, for example, not having another vehicle breakdown leaving me stranded, nothing else in life is as important.

Secondly, I really do feel, and rationally believe, that I just don't have that much left. I have been through a lot. I really don't have that much left, in fact one could say that I should have forced myself to end it decades ago. This isn't just depression and low energy talking. I have been through too much and I should stop wondering why I feel so broken: It's because I am. When I try to step on the gas my body often tells me, hey man, are you sure this is worth digging a hole for, I'm not sure I could do it anyway.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon May 11, 2020 9:18 am

I really wish I could just accept the fact that I'm stupid, can't do anything, and never can do anything. Due to the stupidity I keep thinking that I can do things. If I had accepted that I could never do anything I would have saved myself a lot of misery. I keep trying. I tried to juggle and that destroyed me. I tried to lift and all it got me was being fat, sluggish, poor, and dumb. I keep believing in this evil trope of redemption, that if I manage to do something it will say I wasn't totally worthless. But that's wrong. I have already done things that establish me as worthless even if I were to somehow succeed, which is impossible anyway. It seems to easy. Everyone else does it. People have told me that it's irrational to try to be good at things and I get that but I gave up a long time ago trying to do anything good: I just want to not suck. BUt that's impossible too.

Why won't I end it already? God damn it. My brain doesn't work right, I know that, and somehow I keep trying. So stupid. I want so much to blow my brains out and I keep not doing it. I keep planning it and then I let myself get dreailed. It would have been so easy and I didn't do it. Why? I don't know. I can't understand why. Any human being would have succeeded and all I did was fail.It's so much worse than that though: as dumb as I am, no one, not even me, was too dumb to understand what was going on. And yet I kept doing the same things. Evil people egged me on to doing things I couldn't do and I'm not willing to just stop trying to do anything. God, how I could make myself just stop trying and just die already.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon May 11, 2020 9:25 am

Plus life stopped being worth living a long long time ago, at least in 2009 and really in 1986. I keep saying tomorrow I'll end it and each day I don't. I don't know why.

I hoped meds would help but they don't. I'm as sluggish and dumb as ever.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon May 11, 2020 9:34 am

Oh and I feel nothing, zero, from the test. I mean I should be zooming and I feel nothing. Maybe the pharmacy is selling bogus test? Can't rule it out.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue May 12, 2020 6:32 am

I really do have clarity for about an hour when I first wake up. That is fading by the minute. I have been wasting my clarity the way I waste my energy and time. I'm horrified by how dumb I was but at this point that's just more wasted time: What to do now? I'll write something, then work on formatting, then work on uploading. Then lifting, probably rows and/or RDLs.

I really think part of my energy and capacity is emotional but I don't know how to address that since I really do feel shitty. It's not like it's just a mood. I know that depression fucks me up but I don't know how to address that now. Plus the depression leads to bad ideas like hiking that trail. I am no where near ready to do that safely and what would be the benefit? I gained an insight into why I like things like that. I still want to do it but it would be a poor choice to do it any time soon.

As to my can't sleep if I don't eat thing, I tried to be stubborn about this: I was determined to just stay in bed until I fell asleep. 8(!!) hours later I got up, made some food and went back to bed and feel asleep quickly. Have to stop running experiments that I know the result of.

Oh and I know how much stress fucks up my thinking. I have been discounting self induced stress even though I know it wrecks me about as much.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue May 12, 2020 1:14 pm

Cheat curls -- 45 --10 for 3 sets
Curls -- 45 3 sets of 5

I have to lift frequently. I lose all my strength so quickly. I thought I'd be doing sets of 20 with both of these. The cheat curls are really more like front raises, it's an exercise which should help with juggling. I'll pull the plug on the juggling soon if I don't see major progress. I'll keep doing EMS and add some heavyhands stuff. The FatGripz feel okay, not sure if I should do them this way but I'll keep them on for now.

Still not on top of my mental stuff. Every day I struggle with this. There's very little useful guidance out there; most is total crap.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue May 12, 2020 9:36 pm

Turns out the co-pay was very little so I have my drugz. Wayne's World, Wayne's World, Party Time, Excellent! Woo woo woo woo woo!

The store was surreal though. Our society is not done becoming strange and unpleasant. Plus I think some old woman called me an asshole for walking around her. I guess I'm supposed to stand six feet back while she takes all day selecting which bottle of ginger ale to buy? Good thing I didn't because five minutes later she was still there. I say I think because there were other people near her as well. Old people suck in general.

Sleep. I have to eat enough or I don't sleep well. So I have to figure out the lowest calorie way to eat enough, which sounds odd but it's where I am now.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed May 13, 2020 2:21 am

The EMS did help with muscle activation. I'll keep this in, but I had no speed. Not surprising, since I know you have to keep speed in to keep speed. I didn't think I'd either live this long or juggle again. Just for a test I tried simply moving my hands as fast as I could and it was sllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu May 14, 2020 3:51 pm

Two thoughts which are in opposition but still:

It's only at odd moments or when really tired that I feel as broken and crazy as I in fact am.

I really think a lot of my functional decline has to do with having a collapsed dorsal fin. This keeps getting worse. I don't know how to fix this. Lying to myself does not work as well as it used to. I thought, hoped, that test + meds would help me to have some artificial oomph which might help me to operate better. Has not worked.

In other news, I think I will brute force my diet. The labs were really not good in some areas. My previous attempts at going super low carb have not worked well at all but I'm pre-diabetic so I have to try something. Something that will work.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri May 15, 2020 5:23 am

100 mg test IM, 500 IU hCG sub Q.

Had a hell of a time drawing it up with the small needles. Finally realized that I have to slow down like Reverend Jim at the DMV.

The fear I feel drives me to do things. Usually something to escape or deny reality. I have to keep feeling the fear. It's burning up neurons but I have to keep moving. I can only go hard for so long but I have to do 10X more work and zero out all the bad things. Each day. I keep saying that and then relapsing.

I have to read more about stoicism. I had a friend who was a huge advocate. I have not made it work for me. I have had a huge capacity to do things, yet most days I either do nothing or else waste time on crap. My pain is so much worse when I let it in. I have to get after things. I say I don't know how to feel different but that's not the urgent thing. Doing the urgent things is the urgent thing. If there ever comes a time when I feel like I think I should then great, but I have to do things.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by syaigh » Sun May 17, 2020 7:16 pm

Id like to read your stories.
Miss Piggy wrote:Never eat more than you can lift.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon May 18, 2020 4:37 pm

I have two collections, one is dystopian but realistic psychological horror about the virus. The other has a working title of The Edge, about people on the edge; edge of society, edge of sanity, people struggling to hold on.

Here are a few from The Edge

Dumped

The first time isn't so bad. They pretend there's good prospects where you're going and that they'll be glad to hear from you "once you get settled". They drive you to the airport. The next time a friend of theirs takes you to the bus station because they "have things to do around here". Finally they drive you to the edge of town with a brand new sleeping bag and tent still in the box. Years later, you call and they meet you at the McDonald's down the street. They want you to forget how much they once loved you.
--------------------------------

The Club

It would be nice if they gave you a card, something metallic blue with raised lettering, with "MEMBER since" on it. But they don't. What happens is, you leave the hospital and never think about it again. No, that's a lie, you can't stop thinking about it even though you swore you wouldn't, and then years and lifetimes later you encounter someone you knew from in there. You're surprised. You've amazed when he recognizes you. You then casually tell this man from long ago things you've never told your closest friends. That's when you find out you're in the club.
---------------------------



You didn't like each other in there. But here you both are, undeniably up against it, and out of some spirit of comradeship or maybe because you're the closest thing to an ally she has here, she tells you some things to watch out for. The thing she doesn't tell you though, what she doesn't understand herself or she'd be doing it, is that you should get as far away as you can, right now, not just from the shelter but from all of it. It wouldn't have been enough to save you, not nearly, but it would have helped.

It's funny what happens when they get their keys. They always get officious for a while, things like making a big show of asking the head nurse before unlocking the refrigerator. That's just a phase though, they grow out of it. Some wear their keys like a Marshall's badge. It's bad when one plays with his keys -- that retractable keychain on his belt's his first taste of power. But sometimes . . . sometimes you get one whose posture changes. Suddenly she's standing up straighter, with a stiff upper body, carrying lots of tension. Then you're in real trouble.

I hate the new girl. She's obnoxious, abrasive, fractious, temperamental. She makes me furious. People mock us, saying we're secretly in love with each other. That's crazy, there's nothing I like about her. There was one moment, though, that I wish I could have back. One night she was sitting in the hallway outside her bedroom, sobbing. I went around her and into my room. God, how I wish I had sat down with her, put my arm around her, listened. I should have. I definitely would have had I known then that we'd be friends and lovers years later.

I wish it was booze, or even dope. Then I could move to a dry county, or get rid of it all and stay away from People Places and Things. I could chew gum compulsively or chain smoke clove cigarettes and buy coffee in 55 gallon drums. I could read the literature. I could go to meetings. I could help set up chairs and feel like I was part of something, anything to keep me from the self absorbed destruction, the same old pathetic waste everyone's sick of. But I can't pour my brain into the sink. Although I've tried.
Last edited by motherjuggs&speed on Mon May 25, 2020 12:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon May 18, 2020 4:44 pm

This one might or might not fit into The Edge.

Cafe du Nord, where you can pretend for a while. The soft blue lights make everyone look like they belong here. Quiet conversations in booths, jazz trio gently enveloping us. I order Johnnie Walker Black, rocks. Can't really afford it but I want some of this to rub off on me. I'm just starting my night here, out on the town, as if I'm not going to be sobbing uncontrollably in a few hours when I have to remember that no one wants me. But for now I can look at the stylish ice cubes and tell myself I'm somebody.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue May 19, 2020 6:48 pm

I think I'm going to get a spin bike. I had a Weslo recumbent and it was okay but if I'm going to do real work it would be nice to have something smoother. I haven't been lifting regularly so maybe I won't ride either but I think I will since it takes less to just get on and turn the pedals. If I start my day that way I might get a lot done. Cardio should help get me doing things.

I want to say "I feel shitty" but that's not accurate: I feel dead inside and I have a hard time focusing. But the focus part probably is partly due to habit: I don't force myself to sit down and at least read books if I can't write well that day.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by Bram » Tue May 19, 2020 7:03 pm

Hey brother, sorry you're going through the mental stuff.

I have two friends with spin bikes with the different apps (Peloton and Zwift). Don't know if you can spring for them, but the competition and interaction keeps them going about 4 days a week each.

Hang in there and keep writing!
"If we just work hard without complaining, we can become one with Heaven and Earth." - Zen proverb

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue May 19, 2020 7:26 pm

I could get an app to do something, kind of a DIY version of the Peloton experience.

While I tend to be lazy I will do real work, it's just often hard to get myself in gear. My thought is firstly if I start my day with some easy spinning I will be more likely to keep doing things. That tends to be my pattern. Plus if I watch videos of Le Tour or something I will push myself a lot harder. I psych myself out almost all the time. If I put on something I think I will go as hard or long as I really should. For that reason I'm going to try listening to techno when juggling. I've been sucking and that leads to discouragement which leads to not putting out the effort required. If I say to myself "for this track I'm going to spray and pray seven balls over and over no matter how shitty it is", maybe I'll put in the effort required to get through my current blockage.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by syaigh » Tue May 19, 2020 7:38 pm

Definitely keep writing. Its visual and visceral. I like it.
Miss Piggy wrote:Never eat more than you can lift.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue May 19, 2020 9:29 pm

Thanks. I just ordered the formatting for my essay collection. I'm pushing hard to get that up on the Zon by June 1st.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri May 22, 2020 11:48 am

Juggled a little, then BP -- 135 x 11,10
Plus some curls and cheat curls.

Tried warming up better by doing step ups. Had nothing in juggling and my nerves felt fried after. It looks like I can't make it back, let alone break new ground.

I'm going to get a spin bike and start my day that way. I'm also going to iterate more, meaning if I suck and fail one day I'm going to try to do things differently, meaning a different approach. I keep saying I'll do better and that has not worked well. I'm also going to try to channel this emotional pain into more stories for The Edge. The ones I have so far are raw and I like the immediacy, but it's better storytelling, better writing, and ultimately more effective if I can find a way to craft them a bit more without taking forever. I'm not going to overpolish them though: the emotions are real and I'm not going to get away from that. I also have to do the math. If it takes me six months to write 10,000 words, that just doesn't add up. My essay collection has taken a long time but those are as good as I can make them. I don't think I should agonize over the stories to the same extent. While I can't write 2,500 quality words every day, I can produce 2000+ words a week with my current method and I think I can increase that to 5,000. If I can make 5,000 words a week of quality I think I can make a career of it. I know some of my stuff is good enough. But can I write enough of it while keeping the quality high? I think I can. It's going to be an every day effort to make sure I'm prepared for when I do catch fire.

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