Eye of the Goat

Post your training journals here if you like. I'll make back-ups to avoid losing your data.

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motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri May 22, 2020 1:31 pm

Spin bike -- $365
Chastity cage -- $70
Noise cancelling headphones -- $60

Finally getting work done -- priceless

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri May 22, 2020 1:43 pm

I have more mental and physical energy in me than I can access normally. I have to figure a way to tap into it at will. I have to be really specific about each hour, what I will do, or else I flounder. And also not expect myself to go hard all day, which I can't do and won't try to do very often. I have to be even more specific with my schedule. I'm going to write out an itinerary for each day the day before. I'm actually good about expectations for my itins and good about meeting them. I have to do them all the time.

And also read more. I'm a voracious reader but <insert bullshit here>. Have to make this a daily again.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun May 24, 2020 11:58 pm

100 mg test IM 5/23. Have to keep logging this.

Also juggled a little. Still not happening. Had more power but couldn't make anything happen. I might try with the balls I used to use. I'm thinking it might be a mistake to even try to have any success since it's too late: the time when success would have mattered was 1995 at the latest. No one cares anymore.

No fat loss, none. This despite really watching the cals. I will spin at least some so we'll see what effect that has.

I've been saying I don't feel anything. That's not entirely accurate. I think I only feel intense stimulation. Maybe I can rewire myself a little with spinning and less artificial stimulation.

Oh and I took a two mile walk Saturday. I don't like these anymore.
Last edited by motherjuggs&speed on Mon May 25, 2020 1:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon May 25, 2020 1:05 am

I knew that the darkness destroys me. I understood it clearly in at least 2008. Yet I have a hard time not engaging in it, since it feels like it eases the pain for a while. It doesn't, it makes everything worse, but it's been hard to resist. I know what I should do and it isn't any of what I've been doing.

I did not realize how possible things were. I wanted things but I didn't want them enough. Or I wanted them so much emotionally that I didn't want to do them.

I'm coming apart. I'm way worse than I was even a year ago. I don't have much left. Trying to get the essays out there. I can't even think about trying to promote the book. I just want to get something done.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by syaigh » Mon May 25, 2020 9:33 pm

Have you thought about just blogging them? I got a few publishers interested in my stuff through my blog. At the very least its searchable and you may find an audience. Also you dont have to make them public. Just gives you a place to tinker and publish when you feel good about it. Having read your log for a while, might I suggest that putting your writing somewhere might lend a sense of permanence and continuity to your writing as a separate entity. I only suggest this because I have a similar brain. :)
Miss Piggy wrote:Never eat more than you can lift.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue May 26, 2020 3:47 am

I do have a website where I upload the essays that are ready for prime time. I haven't publicized that at all. I should probably add the Contact Me page in case any publishers come across it. I'm reluctant to post the address here since my unfilteredness here could blow back on me.

It's interesting how having it seen affects things. I very much want some readers. I also notice more. I edited the 100 word stories I posted here as much as I thought I could, and yet when I put them up here I saw some things to change.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue May 26, 2020 3:57 am

B12 injection -- 500 IU IM. Tried this to see what effect this would have. It does seem to work. I went to the store, which cooked me as always, yet I'm not tired.

Juggled a little. Had way more power.. No where near enough but I was able to throw 4 balls with one hand again. Didn't make it happen but it felt possibly possible. I ran slam out of steam though. I mean all of a sudden the speed was gone.

Also tried BP. Did a double with 205 but felt like I would be digging a hole so stopped there. I have to lift earlier and waste less energy beforehand.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed May 27, 2020 1:39 pm

I really wish I could have better understanding. It's only when I'm really stressed that I think clearly in some ways, or rather things are clear to me sometimes in that state while not otherwise.

BP -- 185 x 4 , 4
Did these speed bench style. Also some curls and cheat curls. Ran out of oomph very quickly. Also some other stuff which I'll record later, just ran out of steam. If I don't go to sleep quickly expect an epic rant in two hours.

My emotional pain keeps getting worse since I see even more clearly how evil the people in my life were and how stupid I was to not see it.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu May 28, 2020 1:50 am

Tuesday night I did a hard bend. Years ago I had a patella tendon rupture which got repaired okay but I didn't push as hard to rehab as fast as I should have, then I put myself in situations where I couldn't do my mobility work. Last night I started back in on regaining lost ROM. I have to refactor my setup for these.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu May 28, 2020 2:22 am

TIL dopamine levels change in a minute but receptor sensitivity and density take weeks to change. So while I say I feel flat I have not been accounting for my daily bursts of anger which cause a dopamine rush, which lowers my sensitivity to normal levels so I feel flat. Have to accept the flatness for a few weeks and then see how that feels, without saying "I feel dead, I need some stimulation" and then having binges of pron, chess, anger, whatevs to get a brain rush. It's hard to feel dead all the time but maybe spinning will help with feeling better.

Short but stressful walk then light Indian club work. Will gradually add ROM with the clubs.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu May 28, 2020 6:38 am

Self diagnosed but my dopamine level was pathologically high for my whole life until 2008, and actually I had insane levels of optimism even after that. I really think a central problem is not having enough settings. I have a few default moods and those dominate my view of things. In some of them I do okay. In others, really not. My chipset is wired to self destruct. My neutral is not at all neutral, it's strongly negative in that I seek destruction unless I'm actively opposing it and even then I still do it usually. Meditation did not help that. No amount of anything has fixed that. I know it's too late but it's hard to function correctly. Even when I do things right I still usually make them wrong. I was right about some options trades but tried to squeeze too much out of my positions and ended up losing a lot instead of making a lot. I don't know how to stop snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu May 28, 2020 9:26 pm

100 mg test IM. 5/28 3:20 PM

In theory I should do sub q for the usual reasons but I don't seem to be feeling much that way. In other news I did try to avoid brain chemical surges yesterday and feel a little more pop today. I have to find ways to feel right without doing wrong.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri May 29, 2020 8:23 am

Hard bend. Kind of messed this one up spending way too much time working my way in. Mechanical force breaks up the scar tissue, not time. So I'm more tired than I should be. Have to get after it a lot faster. I did make some progress but not as much as was possible. I'll try to do these every 2-3 days. I'll be prudent about this but have to only be slowed by real sensations, not "boo hoo, I don't like this". I think I'll get a muay Thai striking pad for better cushioning for the ratchet straps. Sounds medieval but this method did work in the past, I just didn't work it as hard and as fast as I should have. Gigantic blunder, one of those stress induced episodes of insanity.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri May 29, 2020 12:46 pm

I don't understand why the clarity and/or understanding that I really do have at certain times is completely not there the rest of the time. I also don't know why I struggle with things that are so clear to me, that need to be done, and then I have a hard time doing them. I'm inclined to say that I don't actually struggle, it's just Resistance, but that's not accurate: Resistance is so strong that it puts me in danger, often. Meditation has not helped this. I'm actually not doing dzogchen these days as explained.

Okay that was my rantlet for the day, now I'll go to sleep like I should have 4 hours ago.

Okay, one quickie: If I don't have a theoretical frame to understand something I have a hard time grasping it, even when the empirical evidence is overwhelming. It's a serious flaw. I have been attempting to have some understanding of the theory explaining several disparate phenomena. It took me a long time to realize that the people I asked about these things were trying to hurt me. In other cases, they had nothing. It can't be that hard to understand. Most people understand a lot of things that I miss. In some ways that's okay because there are things that make no sense at all that other people accept. So I don't mind hearing my own drum. But there are some things that have to be super obvious that I have never understood. I get that it's probably in part due to having an incorrect set of assumptions and partly due to knowledge that everyone else gets somehow. It's not like I'm a wolf child: I have often assessed some subtle and complex personal dynamics quickly and accurately. But in many ways, I feel like I'm operating with just enough of the rules to make things work enough of the time that people barely let me play when they have to, and hate me and think I'm insane and stupid the rest of the time. I know what you're thinking -- why don't I just find a group of socially maladjusted people compared to whom I'm practically Bond, James Bond? Uhh, no. Those people, yikes.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri May 29, 2020 10:46 pm

I feel like I have my supps almost right.

In tired moments like now it's baffling to me why I do the worst 30% of what I do. Makes no sense at all. I have to remind myself of this though, don't know why.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Jun 01, 2020 12:01 pm

Hard bend -- maybe 1/2 inch progress. Definitely need a better setup.

Also juggled a little. Not happening. Then did

Curls, cheat curls -- one set of each w/ 65. I had thought to do some other stuff too but felt tired suddenly.

Near as I can tell I lose all my nervous energy very quickly with anything high intensity. Not sure what to do about this.

On second thought I don't think it's that my energy goes exactly. I have had many hard hits to my nerves and many deep discharges of my battery. I think that my body is telling me that I can't tap into anything that's not right there like pocket change. It's not letting me reach into my wallet. Not sure what I can do about this or if I should even try to.

It's also possible, but maybe this is the same thing, that I can only access energy in certain ways and under certain conditions. Which is the same I think since I'm used to it so it takes less energy. There's no extra energy being used to get into the same zones, I'm just wired for them at this point. So I have to try to build new circuits. The problem is, many of the old easy ones are hard to do now.

I really need some kind of positive social interaction. Also some kind of useful feedback. None of the therapists were worth shit except for the one who fired me as a patient. I tell myself Things about stoicism, yada yada, but if there's no joy why keep going? I did make some effort but that's crap: I have a lot to do and I have to do it. One of the problems is though, that I've been pushing for so long with nothing at all to show for it. I realize it's my own doing. I keep finding ways to fail. I try to fix it and nothing actually works, or at a level that does me much good anyway. The lack of success makes it hard to keep trying. It's hard to summon up the energy to keep trying.

I am trying to dig for better answers. It's been hard to do that but there are easy ways, I just have to do them instead of the usual stuff.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Jun 02, 2020 4:48 am

Ordered some new stuff for juggling. Probably a waste of money but it's possible the balls I'm using are messing me up. I don't see how they could be affecting me this much but I just bought the ones I used to use. If I still can't do it then it was a waste, but as it is I'm wasting time. I'll know quickly if there's a chance of doing anything. If yes, then I'll hit it hard and see if I can do eight. Nine would be nice but I really doubt it. If I can't then I just can't.

I think it would be better for society in general and for most people if there was a clearer understanding of what is and isn't possible. Hope is deadly. I wish there were some good analytics so people could know with a good degree of certainty if they have a chance of doing something. We've all seen people who kept trying to do something they had no chance of doing. I have been that guy. I think I might not have been so stupid and stubborn if there were simply some numbers to prove that it can't happen. Narratives battle narratives but numbers are hard to argue with. If there were a solid set of numbers, if you reach these mileposts by these times, then maybe you have a chance, otherwise save yourself and everyone else the time and bother and stop now, we would all be better off. I know I would have been better off had I accepted that certain things could never happen and stopped trying. I'm setting myself some markers for juggling this time and if I don't reach them on time then the hell with it.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Jun 03, 2020 8:27 am

More blunders. Somehow I missed the delivery of my spin bike so I have to get that taken care of. Also I keep doing the same old crap with the same results. I have to accept that things are how they are. Considering all I've been through I can't complain that I feel dead inside, of course I do and it was insane for me to not die in 2006. I keep trying to feel alive and that never works, I just feel worse. I know this and won't stop going insane. I say I try but that's not actually true: I have not had even one solid week where I can honestly say I did the best I could do. I say I feel flat but of course I do. Considering everything, flat is more than I should feel. I should feel homicidal and suicidal all the time. I should feel even more lifeless and demented considering what my life has been. I should be grateful that I have survived my many asinine blunders with anything left at all. I should be getting after it each day as hard as I can, and when I run out of steam quickly to just accept that and go back to bed and lie there instead of filling my head with crap.

Just spent even more money getting some stuff for the bending. Hopefully I will get this done in the next few weeks. I'm close to full ROM in the left leg but that little bit strongly inhibits me, both consciously and also my body knows it's not right and won't let me do some things like squat anywhere close to deep.

I have to finish my introduction for my essays and also some closing material. I have nothing for that, I feel like I have nothing at all to say about them. I know that that feeling is partly Resistance, that I have to hammer out the conclusion and get it out the door already. I keep making it harder to do. I hoped that the meds and my supp stack would help with this but only partly, I still feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll blah blah who gives a shit how you feel? just get it done.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Jun 03, 2020 9:29 am

Here's a story I wrote for The Edge. It's longer than 100 words but so what, it's my collection, my rules.


Sometimes I Forget

It happened again today. I know what you're thinking -- doesn't he understand already? Didn't they give him papers and have someone go over them, and explain the consequences? Yes, they did do all that, but the meds are so strong that I sometimes don't remember. I mean I remember but I forget. Plus I don't put things together right, that's why they put me in there in the first place. They told me what I have to do and I try but it's so hard sometimes. They can't have someone watch me every minute, it's up to me to stay out of trouble, they said. Most of the time the medicine makes me tired and confused but sometimes I come out of it, or I think I do, and that's when I get into trouble. I'm not really okay at those times, I just think I'm okay, and that's when bad things happen.

I thought I would just say hi. I mean that's what you're supposed to do, right? I see other people do it. Plus people do that at parties, right? I thought it would be okay.

It was awful. She was yelling and waving me away and everyone saw it which made it a hundred times worse. They had wanted to give me one of those bracelets with the doctor's name and stuff on it so people wouldn't actually call the cops but I said no, I get enough looks as it is. So they let me out and now I have to figure things out for myself which is hard sometimes. Bad things happen. I tell myself to just stay home and not do anything but it's hard to do. I get cooped up and the meds are even stronger that way somehow and then I do things. I don't know how to stop it. Each time I tell myself never again and then I do.

Everyone saw it, like I said. They won't let me go there anymore, not that it matters. I hope I remember this time. But I won't, no matter how much it hurts I know I'll forget again. Something wrong with my brain they can't figure out. I'm all cried out now -- not just for tonight but for good. I still hurt but it's different now. I asked them over and over to fix what's wrong with me or at least explain it so I can understand but they just looked at me and made notes. I do try to stay out of trouble. But sometimes I forget that I'm not allowed to talk to people.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Jun 03, 2020 9:51 am

Here's one of the essays.

Never Try

Wisdom comes in many forms. Socrates asked questions, Jesus told parables, Zen masters use koans. As one of the great philosophers of our time, Homer Simpson Rinpoche has chosen to hide his wisdom in wry witticisms, forcing people to mine the buried gems. One of his most astute observations remains underappreciated, at great cost to our society.

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try." Most people laugh this off and miss the deep knowledge here: If you can't do something, don't try to do it.

"Wait, what was that again? You expect people to know ahead of time if they can do something or not?" Yes, exactly. You know, or should know, whether you have a real chance of succeeding. Most things are determined in advance, mostly by genes. You won't win a Fields Medal if you aren't elite at mathematics before you even begin work on your brilliant proof. You were never going to play in the NFL. Tyron Lannister was never going to be The Mountain. "Oh, now you're just being silly". No, I'm quite serious. Hafthor Bjornsson has two brothers who are bigger than he is. The only difference between being as strong as Hafthor or as fast as Usain Bolt on the one hand, and being a great painter or musician on the other, is that the physical things are easier to see and harder for people to deny, although people still try. I'll unpack this a little more -- you are as likely to play the cello like Yo Yo Ma as you are to throw a football like Aaron Rodgers, and to the same degree. You will not get there.

"But what about the 10,000 hour rule"? There is no such rule. That's something that was made up to sell a book. Do you think that Jennifer Connelly put 10,000 hours into being beautiful? Did Manute Bol practice for 10,000 hours to be 7 feet 7 inches tall with long arms and quick reflexes? Use your brain for a second -- do you think that you will be able to throw a baseball 100 miles an hour like Nolan Ryan if you put in ten years of practice? "So you're saying that people don't need practice?" Please stop being difficult, dear reader. You want to resist this obvious truth because you've been sold hope. Hope sells. Hope is a powerful drug. It's seductive, intoxicating. It feels great until it leads us to ruin.

It's a hard pill to swallow. I resisted this for a long time, much to my detriment and regret. Accept who you are -- and aren't. You can try to succeed against long odds but make sure, as Elon Musk says, that success is one of the possible outcomes. You don't get points for trying.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Jun 03, 2020 11:56 am

I revised the hell out of that and I still find things to tweak.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Jun 03, 2020 12:17 pm

The heat is affecting me. I'm near the point where I will have the air conditioning on all day.

In other news, I have to be honest with myself about two things I noticed recently. One is that what I'm doing is what I prefer to do even though I hate it most of the time. It must be, otherwise I wouldn't do it. I don't like this fact but I can't deny it. The other is about my life. I realize that the life I have now would have been almost heaven compared to what I was doing. So I stay home a lot and do nothing, which is what I said to myself I would do when I got my own place again. So here I am. I have to ask myself for better things.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Jun 05, 2020 5:14 pm

I seem to be unwilling or unable to go to sleep without effervescing some thoughts. I have to just price that in by doing it a lot sooner.

A few minutes on the new spin bike. I'm assessing this bike. It is quiet, as represented, and it seems smooth but we'll see. I think I'll do a few minutes early in the day to get the juices flowing, then do more later on. Zone 1 and 2 miles mostly for now although I want to do some higher intensity soon. Will try to lift right after. Lifting seems like a drag now. I used to like it, now it's "time to make the donuts". I don't feel either the physical or emotional boost I used to get from it. I don't know what to do, actually that's a lie, I do know, and I'm skeered to do what I have to do, the only thing I should do.

Oh and I' didn't do my last test injection on time since I have to do labs. Will do that Monday then blast off. I wish it gave me the surge it did in 2013 but no. I feel flat at best most of the time. That's not entirely true: I do have some mental energy but it's been hard to harness it productively.

Okay. Now I can sleep I think.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Jun 06, 2020 5:26 am

A few minutes on the spin bike, getting the feel of it. Was going to do more but I have not been on a bike in, yikes, five years so I feel like I've done work already. I'm going to see about mounting some kind of video display somewhere so I will push harder. I've usually gotten this wrong, I either push myself too much or too little. Sometimes both at the same time, in fact it's often both: trying hard to do things I shouldn't do and not getting after things I should do.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Jun 06, 2020 7:41 am

With a when when when and a why why why,
and a couple of Ohs and Ahs,
that's how I waste my life away in the merry old land of Oz.

I hope I will get decent labs, meaning with the low T I actually feel and no elevated HCT. I feel less energetic without the beets but the labs don't lie.

Oh and the next time I complain about feeling flat I will look at how I should actually feel, and do feel. Like total shit, that's how. So flatness is like Manna considering everything. I should count myself lucky that with meds and such I can even get up to that level. I'm an ungrateful bastard. I should be grateful for every day that I have a chance to do anything good.

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