Eye of the Goat

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motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Jun 07, 2020 4:44 am

Have to figure out what's wrong with the bike computer. I wasted money on new batteries, thinking maybe the batteries they included were too low or something, and it still doesn't work. We'll see. I don't want to spend any more. I probably wasted money getting this bike since there's another one that''s less money. I don't know how to stop making dumb mistakes.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Jun 09, 2020 8:28 pm

100 mg test IM
500 IU hCG IM

The neighbor keeps getting worse. She has started to park a lawn chair right in front of my door. I keep moving it. I will have to say something but she's so uncivilized that it will go downhill fast.

Juggled a little. The new balls are not the same as my last ones, grr. In the pic on the site they look the same but they aren't. So that sucks. I did try them and they were slightly better but still not good. Still can't juggle. It was windy and I was tired so I'll try again but if it doesn't improve quickly it's over. Target panic is a real thing and it's now understood to be physical. I think I have that. Plus, in some way that I don't understand, my brain no longer can do the spacial things it once did. I always was pretty bad at spacial things but my juggling suggests that I suck really bad now. I just don't get it anymore. Plus my timing is so off it's absurd. None of these things have been improving. I thought I would be rusty for a week or so then start getting it back. It has not come back at all.

Then did some speed style curls and front raises, 2 sets of 6. Oh and I warmed up with the spin bike in addition to 10 minutes earlier. It feels good. Good unit and I feel okay but I should probably get a better seat. So some reason it comes with a cushy granny seat. So my setup will include a screen, a fixed computer, a better seat and a fan at some point when I'm working hard enough to need one.

One problem I have is, I've deconstructed myself too much. Partly psychologically but also I've spent way too much time being tired. You cannot operate that way. Too many things which should be super easy have been too hard and now it's hard to do them as well as I once did.

I just watched a doc on the Isle of Man TT. God damn that bitch keeps slamming the door. I keep saying I'll keep earplugs in all day or else move my office into my bedroom. She's evil. What's worse is that she's been "nice" aka overly social so it's hard to make things as grim as they should be. Plus the complex doesn't care at all about what people do which is both good and bad. So complaining about anything will only make them think of me as the problem.

Okay, back to the IOM. The widow of one of the riders who died made so much sense, so clearly, that I feel like an idiot for not understanding that decades ago, like when I was five or something. I'll unpack this more when I'm less tired. Basically it was "enjoy your life" but she made so much sense and was so obviously doing it that I feel so dumb for allowing things to be the way they have been.
Last edited by motherjuggs&speed on Wed Jun 10, 2020 4:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Jun 09, 2020 8:43 pm

Here's one from The Edge

Safety

I drove to the Bridge really fast, running many red lights. I parked and joined the stream of tourists. When I got out there I was frozen with fear, overwhelmed by stress. I wish I'd had the guts to push myself through that, had enough clarity to realize I could still do it despite the fear. My brain was overloaded but I wish I'd pushed myself to do it anyway, that I should go over the rail and down to freedom and safety. I heard they're going to put nets up now. Sadistic bastards, why can't they leave people alone?

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Jun 09, 2020 9:13 pm

Time to sleep. Next time I say it's time to sleep and then do something I'll remind myself to stop.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Jul 16, 2020 12:15 am

Mondays w/o was 10 minutes of spin bike and 2 sets of bench, 155 x 5, and I felt flat the next day like I did something hard. We have all heard that you adjust to the workload but I mostly feel sluggish. I can't say that I've been on top of things though. Fat loss has stalled.

I'm also feeling way more worked. Several times in the last few months I have physically and mentally felt totally empty. like I could not form thoughts or feel emotions except anger and unfulfilled needs. I feel used up, way more than 2 months ago even. My plan is to deal with some old business and then plan for the end, whether or not that happens soon. This Winter I was looking forward to warmer weather, hoping that I would feel more alive. I don't.

I made some good progress with knee rehab but that has shifted, from regaining ROM to adding squat depth. It might not be wise to try to squat deep again but I think I should get as much back as I safely can.

I'm not sure why the mental deterioration is this bad. I don't know what to do about it except to write more and read more. I'm just going to try to force myself to keep it by just doing it. I may not have much in me, maybe the writing, here and elsewhere, won't be good but I have to keep myself active or I'll turn to mush. I spent a couple of hours this week figuring how to arange my living room so I will be more effective. Rather than trying to unfuck my head I'm working on making a space that leads me to doing things.

I have had several big realizations in the last few weeks about why things have been the way they have. It's been unpleasant to realize some of them but I need good answers. I feel like I can't handle more truth right now but I do need to know things.

I was going to say that I feel too dead to write and there's truth there but I feel more dead when I can't write or converse with people.

My thoughts have become pathological. That has been true for a while now and I don't know how to fix that. I will try to have them be at least less dark for the time being.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Jul 16, 2020 3:01 am

Just tried to squat deep. I still need more ROM. My max ROM is probably about as much as it will be but I have to bring back way more easy ROM. So I'll resume hard bends but with the emphasis on getting to near full flexion more easily instead of pushing hard for the last little bit. I'm not sure how best to do this. I'm off the map here since most PTs seem to think that it's impossible to regain range this much later. I also need to bring back strength in a major way. I don't have to squat 275 again but I do have to have a healthy amount of strength which I don't have now.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Jul 16, 2020 9:40 am

Many mass killers were on meds. Some people have said that maybe the meds had something to do with it. I have a little hypothesis. What if these people were too disordered to make anything happen and only once they got on something did they begin to think clearly and realize how angry they should have been all along. I'm too tired and defeated to lay this out right now. It was clear to me a few hours ago but then I went on a game binge, yeesh. I keep saying I'm going to stop and then I do it again. I hate myself. I'm just a bad person. A functional human could never be this way. I felt okay-ish at 11, now I'm used up and way more crushed. I wish I knew how to be a person. There are no guides.

I think the walks are also harmful. Going into the same headspaces is bad, if those are not good spaces.

Logically I know that I'm completely bad and should have been euthanized long ago. I can't do anything. I know this and yet I keep trying because there's something wrong with me.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Jul 16, 2020 10:14 am

In some domains we have good theory and good practitioners. We have some known good doctrine. Knowledge evolves and many ideas get refuted but a lot of times we have good ideas to follow. In many other areas there are few if any guides, or at least any that are known to the clueless. I have little idea of how to think about things in the psychology/philosophy realm, and many of not all of the shibboleths are horseshit. I don't know what the right ideas are though. I feel horrible right now, and I should. There really are things wrong with me and I really was shitty to not understand them. I don't know what the right mindset to have is, though. As mentioned, there is the right mindset from a logical prespective but then there's also what is right psychologically. Let's say you have a friend who is super clueless. Let's say you know him well and if you explain to him how big an ass he just made of himself then things will get worse, not better. At what peoint do you tell him? IA lot of awareness is coming in quickly now thanks to provigil. I wish I could say I'm Edward Mora now but I'm actually feeling more pain.

I have to find the Venn diagram intersection of

correct, or correct enough factually
psychologically healthy for me
someting I can and will actually do
what works

Some things work if you can do them. Mark Manson tells a story of a guy who would go home with the hottest girls by saying the dumbest things to them. That would get me kicked out asap and banned. Many people have talked about their mindset, what they did to be successful. I know a thousand of those stories but I don't know what works for me.

I want to be better. I hurt so much that I want the pain to stop, or even have another pain just so I don't feel the first one. I now that's bad for me. I don't know what to do though.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Jul 20, 2020 6:36 pm

Have had some more realizations, all of them really obvious stuff though.

I'm going to put a tv on the wall and lift/spin/do Indian clubs while watching the relevant videos. I'm having a really hard time focusing or working on anything, maybe doing work while watching something will help.

Have been losing brainpower at an alarming rate. I can't blame the social isolation since I was already pretty isolated. But maybe I've been declining for a while.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Jul 20, 2020 8:40 pm

I've been complaining about anhedonia but that isn't exactly true; I take a form of, can't call it pleasure exactly, but something related to dopamine, some kind of rush from the dark moods. I know this is no good. It's hard though, since I don't have any immediate source of something satisfying enough to replace it.

I say I'm finding more clarity but that's not exactly true either, since I'm eroding. I'm desperate to do something to bring me back up to humanity. I keep finding ways to fail though.

The usual advice is to get out there more, but I don't have the energy to recover from that. It's so hard to do things.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Jul 21, 2020 12:39 am

In many areas of life people make difficulties which they then have a hard time overcoming. On my walks I found a vacant lot that overlooks a field. At the bottom of the hill across the field there's a streetlight. For a full year I idly pondered what lay down there. It would have been the easiest thing to just walk down there, not across the field of course but on the street. No idea why I waited so long. There are many examples in my life like this. I'm wondering if the head unfucking process is like that. What if it really is just do the right things and don't do any stupid shit? I have been saying, "I'm trying, but <insert bullshit here>".

I just had another realization. These are real, and meaningful, but I still have to get the ass bone connected to the brain bone.

I have been even more impaired than I thought, in cognition, judgement, and responsibility. Have to do way more rigorous assessments. When my limited energy for the day is used up, just chill. Have to make a way to do that without my mind either going negative or turning to mush.

I have even more contempt for people than I did a week ago, due to some realizations. However, I now realize that the contempt a lot of people had for me was correct. Not that they were correct to be assholes, but a lot of people have asked me something about myself or tested my ability/knowledge, and based on my answer, have written me off then and there. They were right to do so. You can't close shit, you are shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it cause you are going out.

It took me forever to understand a very simple idea which is obvious to everyone else: You bring yourself to everything. You are assessed, not just on how you act that day, that moment, but how you are. People see you. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I tend to not notice things about people so I kind of assumed I was opaque. Hell no. They see me. All of me. I wish they didn't but they do. The only way to have this not suck is to be better. Not just try to be better than day which is what I have done every day, but be better. Your life is written on your face. Look at the difference between Coco and Lee. Lee is a pathetic jerkoff who has never done anything and is a stunted boy-child. Joey is a guy who has done things. Even if his stories were all made up, or details changed to protect the guilty, there is no doubt that this is a guy who has done things. I thought I understood this in 2007. I failed to understand it correctly. The only way to get better in the areas I'm lacking is to do those things. Obvious but I've read way too many bits about "how to be better next time". Bull shit. That's one of my essays actually, you can't hide your report card. Yet even after I wrote that I still didn't fully understand.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Jul 21, 2020 2:34 pm

I suppose I should make a blog for what many of these entries are: a chronicle of insanity and a struggle toward understanding.

I have told myself that the writing helps keep me sane and helps me to work things out, but the proof of the pudding is in the eating. I have not been sane and I haven't learned much. Instead, my doing so much writing and speaking from a low level of understanding has solidified that range, kept me in that lower echelon of knowledge. Perhaps more importantly, coming from a certain place has perpetuated that pathological place to be coming from. I grapple with the world in much the same way as I did as a confused child, raised by abusive, neglectful parents and television. I ask some really simplistic questions and have some really incorrect assumptions. By laying this out here I'm making that mistake again. I should not be so unfiltered, should not uncork these rants. I have felt stuck in a certain state of brain functioning, like someone who hasn't had their coffee yet. I do think that some of it is sleep deprivation, which has been a major problem my whole life. There has also been a drive toward destruction, despair, chaos and disaster. I'm not the only person to do these things, I mean we see all kinds of addicts out there. I think that the media portrayals of this are harmful and intended to be so. It's not okay, not understandable or forgivable, not something that happens to people. People make bad choices. I make bad choices nearly every day. It's also not good that I keep coming from a state of what I would describe as low development. Rather like a child who has not had certain brain regions wake up yet, and who also has limited knowledge and that knowledge is mostly wrong, but not so utterly wrong all the time that he has to recognize how wrong he is. I've gotten it 14% right, or right enough that I didn't face how wrong I still was. Even the things I thought I was doing mostly right were still wrong most of the time. So I've been coming from that place, which I realize isn't right and I'm coming from that place right now. I know that I'm not understanding correctly and that every word betrays how much i don't get it.

I have kept myself at a low level of development, kept myself weak, dumb, and pathetic. Why? Is it fear of growing up, fear of having people expect more, fear of the unknown? Is it something else entirely in addition to these? I feel like there's a module missing but that's also an excuse -- I don't think I lack as much as I often seem to. Somehow I don't usually take the next step though.

I'm trying to figure out the best way to hang a heavy bag from the rack. So it will be: spin bike, heavy hands, lifting and striking with the bag. Also have to keep bending in for now since my ROM isn't good. Also I do need a way to just chill when I'm used up.

I think I need a better work space. In theory what I have should work but I haven't been doing much. I'll try making it less cluttered. I hate clutter yet I generate it constantly. It's probably affecting me a lot more than I realize.

Edit; I realize this one will add to the disdain if not contempt you all have for me, as expressed by Jason on the reddit forum. I understand. I will probably delete this whole log soon and maybe blog somewhere, or more likely not.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Jul 22, 2020 5:50 am

Knee ROM work. I made some progress in that I was able to squat close to ATF but not there. It's possible that I just can't get full ROM again. Once again I stopped not from pain or fatigue but by listening to my knee telling me enough. I pushed a little, asking are you sure? and my knee said, yes, dammit, that's it, don't be fucking stupid. So I stopped. Not hardly sore at all, which means I didn't break up much scar tissue. For future bends I'll work on active ROM, meaning to squat more reps and not try to do more max flexion.

I've been trying to have it both ways. I want to do things but I've been not doing them. I want to improve but I don't work that much on it. I feel things but don't act on what I know I should do. I've been ranting, which I would do anyway, it's how I roll, but doing that instead of changing things. I had some really strong awarenesses, honestly understanding that I'm fucking up, and yet I then do the same old shit. It's so easy to do way better. I won't understand everything from where I am but I know I'm wrong every day. I had real understanding when I woke up, not The Way of All Things but a lot better than yesterday and I did little with it and then actively brought back pathological thinking. Have to let that go. I won't miss it.

It's also true that all this is still bavli, smoke, since I'm not doing the things I have to do. Even if I get 100X more understanding than I have now.

Work the list. Keep at it as long as is prudent. Work hard every day that I can, since my nothing days are nothinger and more frequent.

I did make a couple of appointments with that son of a bitch doctor. I don't think anything good comes of getting into that with him, but he does have some decent ideas. I'm also desperate to have some of the things I need, and someone good to talk to is on the list. It should not be remotely as high on the list as it once was but I think I do need it.

Today I looked at my cluttered livingroom and asked, what can I do right now to improve this? I thought of several different things then thought to put one of the totes into a closet. Immediate improvement and I felt better. I have to keep doing that, ask what can I do today to fix a given problem. Do that with all of the major ones. See how many I can fix today.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Jul 22, 2020 5:52 am

Oh and I feel major fear. I'm not sure what is closing in but something is afoot. I have to find it and fix it.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Jul 22, 2020 6:44 am

All that is bullshit. I have been through things no one can come back from, or should try to.

I have to pay some debts and call it a day. I would like to do some things but I wonder if I can.

I wish I had understood how pathological my thinking was and at least not done any bad things.

Training should be focused on just improving where I am first before I make any big plans. Spin. Basic lifts. Not so much with the walks since they depress me. In both senses actually, both my mood and my functioning. I don't know why I didn't realize that they're bad for me.

Edit; Oh and I have to make short days of going at it hard early, then doing positive rest. I've gotten way worse over just the last week. I can't do any more badthink.

I want to record this in case I lose clarity. Last night's major dream was about me training lethwei and understanding that fighting is an essential piece to any understanding how one should view his part in the ways of the world. I felt very strongly upon awakening that I had changed for good. In some ways this is perhaps positive but in other ways I feel much less able to access a playful, creative, imaginative part of me. I miss who I was yesterday. I hope the good bits aren't gone but they seem not really there. Things also seem less possible, not in my life but in general, things just seem less possible. My mind is in some ways not as alive maybe, and also things seem not worth the effort, I don't mean for me in this case but out there.

I feel like I could write endlessly and not get closer to the truth. There is bedrock truth of course but some tings are only true if you believe in them. If you have faith as a mustard seed, etc. Some things have great value and then they don't, as if everyone lost interest in the Isle of Man TT all at the same time. Things and people that held great power are suddenly not so powerful. I also have to realize that the harm I have been doing to myself is getting into even more dangerous territory. We are constructed beings, and it takes a lot to keep us together and functioning correctly. I'm losing myself daily and I have to stop. I need something to hold on to. At least to keep me sane enough to fire on all cylinders.

The fear is very strong. I don't know where the danger is coming from. I have to write down all the things I think could go wrong. Also stop everything bad. I want to sleep forever. It would have been so easy to have had 1/1000000th as much misery by simply not doing any of what I did. I have to stop the misery now. I have to be sane. Sometimes I've emerged from a bout of insanity with real clarity but that's not been happening. Have to chip away every day at the list of to dos and veer away from the badness. We'll just have to keep on veering.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Jul 25, 2020 10:41 am

Fat loss is essential but I really should have certain foods in the house that I can inhale so I can get back to sleep. I have to practice some self control though (ha!) so I only use these things for what I need them for and not as comfort food.

I have contempt for all previous Mes. I'm amazed at what that guy thought, and didn't think. I keep saying that and it keeps being true. No matter how many times I think "I understand now, I'll do better", I've been not doing that. I had some real understanding this week and did the same old rubbish, which is way worse if you know what you're doing.

I've been thinking that I can think my way out of these problems. I have things to do, and if I don't do them, they will remain problems. I'm going to mount a whiteboard where I can see it from my work space so I will chip away at things. I keep asking myself when I get to feel anything good and the answer is, you don't. Do the things that have to be done. Any possibility of feeling good in any healthy way left in 2009, now it's time to work through what needs to be done.

It was a mistake to get that rack. I should have gotten a weighted vest and some kettlebells. I've been making mistakes every day. I have "felt" too flat to lift but that's crap, I have to do something almost daily.

More often than trying to think my way out of problems, I have tried to "not think" my way out of problems, meaning to blot out my awareness so that I won't think of them. That was a huge mistake. I wish I could stop that now and for always. These things are there, always. I hurt all the time and I should. There are things undone and I can't do all of them. Every one I leave undone is really bad. I feel like there's only so much I can do and that's technically true but I've been leaving too many undone. I'm dead inside and have been for a long time but that's no reason to leave important things undone. I have to do all the things that don't make it impossible to do other things, then pick one of the other things, then . . .

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Aug 06, 2020 7:32 pm

I've noticed that food quality is a huge determinant in how I feel. The last few days I've had liver and higher quality beef (I think) instead of chicken, cheap hamburger, and turkey. I feel a lot better than I would expect based on how tired I've been due to the air conditioning still not working. I'm not sure the new diet has anything to do with it but I'll try it a few more days. The better meat is more than twice the price but I hate feeling crappy.

That was a lie. I clearly prefer feeling crappy since I keep making that choice. I guess I should say, I hate feeling this kind of crappy.

My workouts have not been worth logging. Some bench mostly, some spin bike. Also some bending. I will do maybe one more of these before I push harder for strength and active mobility.

It seems crazy to mount a TV on the wall so i can watch training videos while I spin or lift but it might be the thing to do. I have to do a lot more work. If watching something will help, then maybe it's work it. I've tried listening to music but I feel so flat emotionally that tunes aren't helping. I know I should go all stoic and just do the work but when I do get to it it still isn't of high enough quality. Maybe watching something will help, maybe it's just more excuses. Maybe it's another dumb move.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Aug 06, 2020 7:52 pm

I'm also trying some things to improve sleep.

My sanity check on the video thing is that I do good work on the bends, which I do while watching something intense.

My emotional pain is still there of course but I'm better when I don't make things worse. I'm horrified at myself but I can't get bogged down in that.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Aug 07, 2020 8:37 am

For the 4th straight day I fell asleep without taking anything. Maybe 6 PM to 2 AM is my ideal sleep schedule. No it's not, since sleep quality is iffy.
I continue to have clarity upon awakening then it rapidly fades. I'm dismayed at how I was but I have to act daily. I think 99% of the Things We Tell Ourselves are crap, and we know them to be crap.

Going back to sleep I think. Too tired to do much.

Everything I've done has been a mistake.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by syaigh » Fri Aug 07, 2020 1:11 pm

motherjuggs&speed wrote:
Thu Aug 06, 2020 7:32 pm
It seems crazy to mount a TV on the wall so i can watch training videos while I spin or lift but it might be the thing to do. I have to do a lot more work. If watching something will help, then maybe it's work it. I've tried listening to music but I feel so flat emotionally that tunes aren't helping. I know I should go all stoic and just do the work but when I do get to it it still isn't of high enough quality. Maybe watching something will help, maybe it's just more excuses. Maybe it's another dumb move.
Music doesn't do anything for me anymore when I exercise. I listen to podcasts when I walk or run outside. Mostly true crime or spooky things. I occasionally walk/jog on my treadmill or row and I watch TV when I do that. Same when I work out in my basement gym, I watch Netflix or some sort of crime drama. Its helpful for two reasons, one, I know if I designate a 40-60 minute show, I will be active for that long, two, when I start to get agitated I have something to distract me. I find that visual distraction is better than audio. The podcasts are great when I'm outside because I can look at nature, but inside, if I don't have something to distract my eyes, I get very antsy and am likely to stop.
Miss Piggy wrote:Never eat more than you can lift.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Aug 07, 2020 6:54 pm

My responses to stimuli have changed. I used to feel like I needed an adrenaline rush to get things done, then that stopped working, then I felt like I needed a lot of inspiration, then that stopped working, then I tried to tell myself just do it but I haven't been. That's the subject of one of my essays, to do things the way you have to do them. I do that with the writing, using a set routine to get stuff done. I have to accept that's how I am and do things the way I have to. The important thing isn't to get some kind of points toward a self discipline merit badge, the important thing is that the important things get done.

It's kind of funny dealing with people here.It's been a Keystone Kops routine with the air conditioning guys and the management. Every person I talk to refutes what the previous person said. They are trying to get it fixed so that's good. Kind of surreal that the new apartment manager is one of the rangers who aggressively hassled me in the park a few years ago. Small towns. It occurred to me that by now I probably have interacted with a significant % of the people here. I get the impression that everyone knows who I am. When I went to the clinic to pick up my Rx, the person got things ready before I said my name. I have the feeling that I'm known, already categorized and accounted for. It's an unsettling feeling. I've always preferred the anonymity of cities and every time I've been someone who is known to people it's always been bad.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Aug 07, 2020 10:23 pm

Too tired to elucidate this clearly right now but it occurred to me so here goes. Many times a lack of understanding comes from an incorrect understanding which blocks out the right answer. So when faced with a problem which seems hard to solve, the thing to do is make sure I'm not already full of shit, myself or someone else's. And revisit my assumptions. And clear the cache of wishful thinking and denial.

Also have to fix things. There are things I can do about improving sleep so I have to try them. I have long assumed that drugged sleep isn't as good. I'm not so sure of that. My non-drugged sleep the last few days doesn't seem that great.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Aug 08, 2020 1:04 am

Probably too tired to explain this one but here goes. Emotion begets emotion and is dependent upon it. I have lacked positive emotion in the last several years so it's been hard to generate any. I have also dredged up lots of negative emotion, which is harmful enough but I'm also been going really far into the darkness. This has done a lot of harm. I know this and yet I've gone back to it. I've been trying to have more healthy thoughts and feelings. It's been hard to even want to want the right things. It's been so horrible. My mind has gotten infected and it's hard to root it out. But that's not what I wanted to explain. The idea is that you have to have a certain amount of good inside for other things to grow. I once had that. Evil people have destroyed most of it. Now I'm so far down that I don't seem able to claw my way back -- everything seems to not connect.

Take this as a cautionary tale. There have been a lot of soul destroying events in my life but a few things which have ripped my wiring out have been seemingly small things, several of them fairly recent. The takeaway is that even if things are bleak and horrible they can always be made way more horrible. It's also important to preserve and protect your self, your being. I have not only failed in this duty, I have sought darkness. There have been a few moments that have caused me to lose my faith in humanity. It's best for that to not happen. I have to heed my own advice and cling with a death grip to what good there still is, and avoid a descent way further into horrible thoughts and feelings. I have had a really bad time of it in the last few weeks, even worse than the stuff I was writing about last year. I have to try as hard as I can to keep what sanity and mental health I still have.

Okay, I keep getting derailed. My thought was that we have to water the roots, pull out the weeds, till the soil. We tend to assume that good things just happen. Only if you have enough in the first place. I'm not going to give myself some sort of pep talk of the kind that would have made some sense years ago. I'm going to tell myself to keep bad thoughts away. It's also a mistake to have happy thoughts but the bad ones are killing my ability to function normally.

Okay, time to shovel more food down so I sleep better and take whichever feels right. Seems like a trazodone day, don't know why but I'll go with it.

I feel like I'm not ready for the intro and conclusion to my essays yet. I don't know why exactly. I have to work on that though. Actually I do know partly why. I have to do some other stuff first, then I can write with a clear head.

Also I think I have to make my training setup even simpler and more clear. I don't know how I can make it more "there to do" but I'll try some things.
Last edited by motherjuggs&speed on Sat Aug 08, 2020 1:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Aug 08, 2020 1:33 am

This relates to the phenomenon of the shot fighter. Sometimes a guy's chin is gone but more often he has nothing left emotionally. We've all seen fighters who could have still done something but the spirit was gone. That's me. I made the mistake of telling a sadistic psychopath how much a certain passage in Atlas resonated with me and he made a point of destroying me in exactly the way Teddy described a fighter losing belief in himself. I understand some things now but the damage has been done. Why didn't I understand?

motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Aug 08, 2020 1:55 pm

It's only been a few days but I think that the better beef leads to feeling better. The bison might as well. I have found a way that I think works for the liver. Instead of the monster mash I've been eating it like jerky. I also tried having a lot more carbs last week and I don't think that works. It's easy to go overboard on carbs and then feel crappy, and that doesn't happen with meat.

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