Eye of the Goat

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motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Sep 18, 2020 2:55 am

I do have more energy than I think. I've been wasting most of it with emotional indulgences like anger, sorrow, etc., and not channeling my energies into doing things. While it's true that I'm [insert usual litany here] it's also true that

1) What I've been doing doesn't help those things
2) It makes me worse and everything else worse
3) I do have it in me to do some of the things I want to do
4) Stay on course all the time

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by newguy » Fri Sep 18, 2020 3:11 am

For 3), what are some of those things you want to do?

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Sep 18, 2020 3:25 am

Write a few more essays and publish the collection, write more stories, write more essays on another topic I have in mind, write a book I've been thinking about. The last I don't know if I should plan to publish it but I think I should write it anyway. Write a screenplay and develop it as an indie film. I know I can't produce or direct but I could be executive producer and try to pull together some people to make it. Develop a TV show. I have one scene of the pilot but I think there's something there.

I think I can do the above.

There are more which I don't know if I can do at all: get in way better shape, record audio versions of the above works, and attempt to have some version of a life worth living.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Sep 18, 2020 9:52 am

RDLs -- 155 x 5,5

Lifting the bar from the floor feels like close to a limit conventional DL. My "so easy it feels like a waste" weight and my "holy hell maybe I shouldn't do this" weight is so close in everything.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Sep 18, 2020 2:18 pm

Thought experiment: If everyone I know were to be dead somehow, like if they all lived in a town that got wiped out like Pompeii ( TIL Pliny the Elder was a fat fuck whose heart gave out when Vesuvius erupted), would I want to live? Let's say I did a couple of other things not worth mentioning here, or had done them, and no one I ever knew was alive. Would I keep going? I think I wouldn't. So am I continuing to suffer because of people I hate?

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Sep 18, 2020 8:54 pm

Here's a great rant by Rick Beato on excuses.


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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Sep 19, 2020 11:37 am

Woke up after nowhere near enough sleep but I have my usual getting up awareness, where I really do understand how insane I was even yesterday. I don't know how I do any of the bad things I've done. It seems as insane tto me right now as it would to someone sane. I can't explain why each day is what it is. It makes no sense to me. I want a way to fix it. I will likely go back to sleep.

I've been saying how unaware I've been "lately" but it's ben bad my whole life, this obliviousness and

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Sep 19, 2020 11:21 pm

I'm not sure why I don't respond to things the way I once did. I just had a big blast of caffeine which used to light up my brain. Now I feel almost nothing. Is it messed up dopamine receptors? Overall fatigue? My sleep not being right? All the above? I don't know. It's unpleasant to be so flat most of the time but I also have to admit that I have been getting more brain stims than I realize [read: admit to] so that's been making me unable to feel fired up the way I want to feel when I want to feel that way. I've also been not spacing out exactly but letting chunks of time slip away. It's hard for me to be regimented and truthfully I don't want that much either, but I have to have a way that reliably gets work done and doesn't let things go. I don't like having an itinerary all the time but I have to have one most of the time. I guess I should plan for zero days and let my system have them but get after it hard as much as I'm able to, which is way more often than I feel able to. I have to remember that I'm really strongly inertia-oriented, which most people are, so if I push start myself I will likely keep going for a while.


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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Sep 20, 2020 5:54 am

In my bedroom, door closed, and still the slamming jolts me. I don't know what else to do. Earplugs plus noise cancelling headphones? She has someone else there too who also slams the door all the time. I had talked with the management about someone else's noise and he's not interested in dealing with that at all.

At a certain point you have to give up on things. I should have given up a lot of things way before I did. Is life another thing I'm holding on to when I should stop? I'm thinking more and more that I just can't be better, or enough better to make the difference. Plus even if I were to somehow be better, there's always the world. It will do what it will do and there's a lot more of it than there is of me.

The writing seems to just not be there. I try and nothing happens. Four years ago when I wrote 2/3 of what I have, when I sat down to write, after procrastinating and avoiding for a while, I could write something. Now, usually not.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Sep 21, 2020 7:55 am

This is my third try at this entry. I have to build knowledge, not keep going around in circles. It's like Gary V. is always saying, work your ass off and be patient. I have to keep doing the right things and no wrong things. If I still feel like it's hopeless after I've been doing that for, let's make it a really specific and tangible goal, Sober October, then I have to think about the best way to proceed. Now, I'm on the natch so I don't mean the way the JRE guys do it, but the same idea, to be "good" every day and see how that feels. I'm sure I will hate life for the first few days of no YT, no news binges, etc., but I can just do it and see how I operate. Probably this means no music, and only movies that are good. I think good movies are okay, just no brain candy. Have to budget those, maybe two a week. Spend all the media time either writing or reading. And cardio every day, a little or more than a little. Weights will be whatever I do as long as it's 4x/week. I know I will get jittery but that's just a phase. I will also feel really really numb and crave stimulation but that's just a phase also. I will then say, what's the point, everything sucks anyway, let's get some braingasms with games or whatevs. I will try to stay on track but will then fog out for a while. After a week of no stimulation I'll feel like, never seen Equilibrium, but a zomboid. I will then have some phony energy and I will tell myself, see, I'm okay now, and go right back into the same old nothing. After two weeks I will be the Q. of rationalizations, coming up with all kinds of excuses for Bond to have his fun. I will then do a lot of "research" for the writing projects. I will then be plunged into a black depression, since without artificial stims to keep my brain happy (the brain wants to be happy and doesn't care much whether it's destroying the body that carries it around, and cares even less for the person whose brain and body it is) I will feel what I really feel, which is miserable. Then I will really try to do something and remember how hard things are. It will feel like so much work for so little that I'll be really tempted to say the hell with it. But I have to give myself a real chance here. If I avoid imploding like I have been and I still can't do it, then I'll know.

So not looking forward to this. I can't think of a better way though. Plus, no matter what I do, I have to stop doing anything like what I've been doing.

On an unrelated note I seem to like writing with the dim red light I use for late night lighting. I'll fiddle with the right setup for lighting for writing. I would have thought this wasn't ideal but it seems almost right. Let me see how to get it right.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Sep 21, 2020 10:57 am

What makes the above even harder to get right is that I really do only grok some things when I'm not in my usual state. It's not like my default setting is clear understanding and strong and correct acting. Not even close. It's more like a floating cloud of thoughts which may or may not make any sense or be correct, or correct for me to be thinking in that moment. Like JD does, only most of the time. The thing about this is, when I drill down on doing something, very often I either make a mess of it or else I shouldn't have done it to begin with. So it's not like I can just snap to it and do things right. I kind of can, but it takes a lot of time and energy and most of my effort turns out to be not efficient, but I accept that as the cost of doing business. Philosophically, that is, I've learned that I just have to price that in. As a practical matter, I dread the mayhem and frustration so much that I put off doing most things. I don't know how to fix this. I can't change how I am, took me forever to understand that, but I do have to be a way way better version of me.

A red bulb in the floor lamp seems to work okay. I got extra earplugs at the store, one set for sleep, one for when I'm here during the day.

I know I have a lot of faulty circuits installed. I'm not entirely clear what the right circuits are. 99% of what people say on this topic is fresh squeezed lemon juice. So I have to build the right ways. Most of the stuff I've read in this field jumps straight from "total fucktard and/or raised by wolves" to principles that I can't apply. It's like if chess instruction went from how the pieces move, to the rules, to some basic tactics and motifs, and now I have to play blitz against the hustlers in Washington Square Park for food money.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Sep 21, 2020 12:35 pm

All that said, it would be insane for me to go on for much longer. I always hurt but sometimes it's worse, like when I think about how it could be. Maybe publishing a few things is worth the effort. I think it is so I'll push harder to do that.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Sep 21, 2020 3:41 pm

The doc thinks I should actually keep doing what I'm doing only less of it. I don't think that's right. His view is that sudden dramatic changes can be harmful, but I have to make improvements.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Oct 03, 2020 11:10 pm

Two weeks ago I strained my right trap so today was the first lift since then. I've not been doing much ex bike either. Today was --

Ex bike -- zone 2, maybe 15 min
Step ups -- one set each leg
BP -- 155 for two sets, 5 or 6. This felt like 185, no surprise.

I think I should go toward a low weight, high reps daily routine. In theory 4X week sounds good but in reality I don't stick to it, or either do too much or too little. Plus I keep forgetting things which means I don't do them. If I have a simple 6X week routine that might work. Maybe rotate BP, RDL +rows, box squat.

I've also been lying to myself and to you guys. I do feel the flatness I speak of but that's mostly due to spending my brainions on other things. I have to keep my beans in the jar and spend them only on things which will help me. I say that after spending the last, let's see, 4 or so hours watching video. Some were good but I mean, that's a lot of time, especially since I felt like I had some energy for writing. Oh, I'll just do this first.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Oct 04, 2020 3:46 am

One thing I've realized is that my strong desire for specifics, and completion, hurts me daily. Meaning, I often think, "what can I do today that will make things better RFN?" Which is one thing to consider, but there are things which would make things a lot better which can't be done in a day, or reliably completed. For example, I have basically always worked shitty jobs since I thought, "I have to get hired asap", and thus doomed myself. A friend once told me that if I'm not turned down 99% of the time I'm not applying for good enough positions and I didn't act on that. I have a huge fear, way beyond psychological, it's part of my operating system, of uncertainty. That has hurt me. I don't know how to run better software on my OS. I have installed a few patches but overall it's spaghetti code that crashes frequently, requires a ton of maintenance, and is very inefficient.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Oct 06, 2020 4:32 am

I don't know why this log is getting so many views. It can't be good.

My latest realization is that I can't do it. I mean I know I keep saying that but I just can't.

Dietwise, I'm adjusting more. I watched the Goggins video where he described how he lost 106 pounds in three months. Now that's what serious looks like. I've been saying that I have to eat more to keep my energy up but what if being a fat fuck is a bigger energy suck than I realize? I hate being this, but it took me until the last few days to realize that I didn't hate things enough. I kept doing the things I hated. I have to hate things more. Not emotionally, I mean I could bottle hate, sell it for a penny a barrel, and be rich as fuck in no time. I have hate like the ocean has water. But it does not translate to action. And anger, hell, I have anger like the angriest dog in the world, and just like him I'm so angry I can't move. I realize that I have wanted to blow up but I somehow keep not doing it. It's not the way to go anyway, the anger I mean.

I have to do some much to get out of Bag of Shitville, Population: me. I know I should do the damn work. It feels like it's too much.

Okay. Now that I've had my little break I'll write some more. I have to remind myself that it's like everything else: I have to stay on top of it to get anywhere.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Oct 07, 2020 12:17 pm

Okay, I know this will sound like the same stuff, but these are different. I'll try to lay these out separately.

I have said ~100,000 times, and I'm not sure that's an exaggeration, that it [the it of the day] doesn't take any thought. Okay, here goes. I hate to put this here but i have a hard time formulating these ideas without the pressure of someone reading. I now understand that I am far more impaired than I even thought a few weeks ago. Whatever the causes, I do not make sense of things in the normal way. Some things I understand easily and others, I mean, you guys know what prosopagnosia is. Okay, now imagine someone who has another kind of lacking. Imagine someone who has: an inability to say the word no, a near total lack of self preservation, a near total lack of social awareness, and a memory like a goldfish for people and circumstances. Meaning, I knew my FOI was a pack of insane monsters and yet I kept them in my life. I have said, hundreds of times in the past two months or so, why didn't I just leave? I have also been struggling with the idea that, dude, you didn't have to be very aware at all. I said to my sister once, and I failed to heed it sufficiently, that the written word is how I make sense of the world. Imagine a guy who has one of those brain disorders you read about. Now imagine OH is at home and he sees his wife, who he loves, choking. He observes this and goes back to his game. His daughter comes into the room and sees this. She does the Heimlich, etc., and saves her mom. She is furious and his wife leaves him. He is unable to convince either of them that he's not a heartless bastard, he just lacks the ability to make even a simple inference and to reason: choking > no breathing > no air > death. He is a pariah among the extended family and is never allowed to be alone with his daughter again. He is frustrated that people don't understand and he can't make them understand. He also is unable to connect thoughts internally in a perhaps related way. He knows where China is. He knows that the Pacific Ocean is vast. He knows where America is. Yet he somehow believes that The New York Mets played in China. OH thinks that before the construction of Shea Stadium, the Mets played their home games in China. For those who aren't familiar with the time frame, this was 1962-3. This jamoke actually believes that a big league club traveled to and from China 9 or 10 times during the season. He isn't stupid in the sense of lacking cognition. He simply does not connect fact to fact, or fact to world, or past to present, or present to future. He is surprised every time he does something. Imagine that he lives in a small town where everyone knows the slot machine at the store is broken. Let's say that it's an old mechanical one. OH goes to the store regularly and almost every time he drops in a quarter and pulls the handle. He is surprised when the machine turns one wheel and he doesn't win. He doesn't know that the guy at the store thinks he's insane. He doesn't understand the reactions he gets when people see him play the machine. He gives explanations for why he thinks it will work. He is unfazed by the reactions he gets and goes about his day.

This guy is me. I continue to do things that make no sense at all.

This was going to be another entry. I wrote basically all night working on a story. I thought I did a lot more than I actually did, but 2000 words got on the page. But now it's 6 am and I feel like crap, whereas if I'd gone to sleep at 4 I'd have been fine. I don't understand.

I think getting jacked up on caffeine + my daily dose of provigil, has improved my awareness at least. Yet I still do things that make no sense.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Oct 07, 2020 1:18 pm

I have been writing with a moderately uptempo song on repeat. This has worked okay, but last night i tried Loreena Mckennit and I was able to sustain an effort for a lot longer. As I've said, my tolerance for intensity is low. My nerves get fried. So maybe the Loreena is the way I should go with this.

I also felt myself taking refuge in the writing the way I do with reading. I have to consider that work may be the only safe space, meaning my mind does it's thing almost nonstop when I'm not working on something. So the thing is to probably simply never let in the bad thoughts. This sounds simplistic but bear with me. If I never start going down certain paths, then I will not wear a deeper groove in my neurons at least, and maybe I won't go into a bad place at all. Which is not to suggest the answer is happy happy joy joy. For the last few nights especially I have felt, really strongly, that I simply cannot. There is a lot of evidence for this. I will put this on paper and assess. It is also quite insane to try, per my example above of the guy who doesn't remember things. I remember things, I just somehow, I can't understand it, but I somehow think that

Okay, let me try this from another angle. I actually have an extraordinary degree of physical and psychological resilience. The only person I know who believes this happens to be the person who knows me best, and more to the point how much I've been through. This resilience has destroyed me, in the same way that Little Nog now looks like Mr. Potato Head and sounds only slightly smarter. Had I collapsed into an exhausted heap a long time ago, maybe I would not have been destroyed as much. Had I not kept trying to do things I would have had a lot less pain and sustained a lot less damage. I see now that I had the worst of both worlds psychologically re abuse: I was smashed inside and looked and acted defeated, but I kept bringing optimism into nearly every encounter, which is exactly why they went so horribly, horribly, horribly wrong. Had I been less defeated I would have been less of a target, and had I understood internally, cognitively, in an active way that this situation is likely to be really bad so I should be at DEFCON 3, Cuban Missile Crisis territory, all the time, I would have been defeated less often. It sounds insane to do that but bad things happen very often when I'm around people.

Oh and i discovered a new way to deal with the need for certain kinds of brain stimulation. I have been writing a different kind of short pieces, not the 100 word stories but something else which seemed to work last night. I have to fool around with this some more. I think maybe taking a break from the more effortful writing and doing the new bits might help a lot. But of course all this is nothing if I don't do the needed work in my life and avoid things like being up till 8 Am when I got up at 11AM.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Oct 07, 2020 4:22 pm

It feels like I'm finally developing some awareness and executive function. I still suck at both really bad, but I'm astounded at how bad I was. So: how am I that unaware now?

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Oct 07, 2020 4:34 pm

Oh and I wasn't really trying. I tell myself I try but that's not true. If I had said, right, here is where you have to be in three months time. Draw up a plan that is going to work. Not some Wile E. Coyote plan like I've been doing, but a set of actions that will work. For fat loss, just eating `1000 kcals/day with one refeed day a week, with refeed meaning just some beef in addition to the daily chicken breast and liver. That plus some super low intensity ex bike and some sets of two in the major lifts, that will work. There are hundreds of things that would have worked. i kept doing things that would not work. I struggle with this by the hour. For right now I may have to eat more since I've been awake now 22 hours. But I have to be better, a lot better and soon.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Oct 07, 2020 8:25 pm

About two hours ago i had a realization that has escaped me my whole life. i understand now why i do a lot of the things i do. It's clear now. It feels right, as in my brain connects with it as lucid truth, and it's logically coherent. It's also parsimonious, which is a good sanity check: does this simple rule or phenomenon or trait, this one element, account for a number of different observed cases? Does it explain it so clearly that other hypotheses aren't even needed? The answer is yes. I get it. I definitely have trait x, I've always known it, I've been called on it to explain some other actions, but i really didn't grok in fullness until now. It connects. So now what do I do?

Have to think on that. For now I should get to sleep. 26 hours now. I feel really spun up. I didn't have that much caffeine, a lot yes, but not so much that it should be affecting me 16 hours later.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Oct 07, 2020 8:47 pm

This interview that Inge de Bruijn gave has some gems. I like the Eminem bit.


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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Oct 10, 2020 8:10 pm

More big realizations. I had another doozy which was super obvious and which mostly solves a conundrum that has been driving me crazy for the last 10 years or more. It's unpleasant to think about and even more unpleasant to not understand, since it was super obvious. That's the thing about the latest trifecta: all these things were there to be seen. Plus I realized yesterday how utterly insane it was to get the rack, etc. That made no sense at all. I'm going to look to sell that stuff. My executive function seems to work in reverse a lot of the time.

This goes against what everyone says, except maybe Jack London: lately I've started drinking alone. Never understood people who do that. Never got anything out of it. Lately though, I've had some revelations while spun up on vodka & pepsi. The state of hyper arousal seems to crack my usual fog.

One thing that I've been saying for a long time is that if you have the right understanding, or maybe I should say the right framing, things become clear. I have been bewildered about some things, and it really seems to me that these new pieces substantially explain some things I've been wondering about. Here's an example of what I mean. If someone who doesn't know anything about baseball were to look at the top of the list in career Wins Above Replacement, he would notice something odd. Many players in the top 50 in WAR have a very high on base percentage, and many others have a really low one. Our Hero might be baffled about this and maybe posit all kinds of explanations. He would not ever have clarity until he knew, or could infer, that some players are successful due to their hitting and others for other reasons (pitching). This one piece of understanding would reveal the truth instantly and he would never understand until he had that piece.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Oct 10, 2020 8:26 pm

Wrist culs and reverse wc, empty bar. I'll focus on these.

I somehow seem to have gotten fatter without changing anything. I don't think I did anyway. I'll increase the ex bike, etc.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Oct 10, 2020 8:53 pm

oh and up 30 hours and counting. I have to have a real way to get to sleep. I was cooked beyond belief 15 hours ago. I'd like to just fall asleep but that won't happen.

Edit: I'm like Chiana -- I say things and I mean it, I really frelling mean it, and then I do something else. 32 hours up.

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