Eye of the Goat

Post your training journals here if you like. I'll make back-ups to avoid losing your data.

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motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Oct 11, 2020 6:35 pm

A central element in all this is my lack of awareness and common sense. I don't make inferences unless I'm outside the situation. These lackings extend even to my attempts to figure things out. I have spends thousands of hours trying to figure things out but I could have done it in a couple of hours at most for each topic. It was always so obvious, yet unless I specifically look at each piece, determine facts that are known or that can be reasonably inferred, ask what the thing to do is, and then have that as my default, I will keep making the same mistakes. With the same people even. So that has to be the process. I've started with listing each thing. I'm sure I'll think of more as I go.

Additionally I'm trying to figure out a way to make workouts more pleasant. I used to really like workouts yet I don't anymore. So I have to find a way to make them more pleasant. I had thought to do the TV/big monitor thing and might still do that. I'm also trying to figure an exercise selection that will hit the muscles I have to hit without me thinking, ok, let's get through this, and halfassing it and not getting results. I'm thinking something like going back to DBs and using them for most things. I'm going to box squat for now, then see how deep squatting feels.

Also have to log the test. I was doing that here but I've been forgetting to do it. Today is

100 mg test

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Oct 14, 2020 1:01 am

Ex bike -- 20 min
Curls, wrist curls, rev wrist curls -- empty bar x whatevs
Was going to squat but then got into taping my rack so it's less clanky.

I hurt so bad. I tend to not feel what I really feel. It was always insane for me to keep going. I'm also ashamed of having not realized how hopeless it was and how evil the people in my life were/are. I tend to not think about what life should be, and how much it hurts to not have it. I know that sounds crazy since it seems that's most of what I've been saying but it's true; I don't think about the real pain. I would have been simply curled up sobbing an hour ago if I even had the energy for that. I keep saying I'll put some of this into my writing, and I have, a little. I have to somehow do more, while also making plans.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Oct 14, 2020 1:28 am

If I want readers, and I do, then I have to publish already and stop posting the stories here.
Last edited by motherjuggs&speed on Thu Oct 15, 2020 7:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Oct 14, 2020 1:52 am

I'm taking down the stories. I think I may be letting out the steam by posting them here. I would like some beta readers though. If anyone has any thoughts on the ones you read I'd like to hear them.
Last edited by motherjuggs&speed on Thu Oct 15, 2020 7:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Oct 14, 2020 2:19 am

Made a surprising music discovery today. I had set my player to repeat a single song for writing. Today I let one song play over and over while lifting and I was surprised at how effective it was in getting me moving. So I'm going to see what songs I have that are kind of similar and try those.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Oct 15, 2020 8:17 pm

Yesterday's box squats were super weak and shaky. Have to do them frequently. I moved the bike and I think I have a good place to mount a TV so I can watch something while riding. 20 minutes is all I've been doing and that isn't nearly enough to get to 185, which is about the most I can weigh without looking shitty. I get really restless though and it's hard to keep at it. I don't know why that is but I think I'll do real work if I have something else to focus on.


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Bram
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by Bram » Thu Oct 15, 2020 9:00 pm

Good job squatting, curling, and biking!
"When you seek it, you cannot find it.” — Zen riddle

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Oct 16, 2020 12:39 am

It occurs to me that maybe, just maybe, the provigil has something to do with the non-connectedness. Maybe, maybe not.

It has been harder to get to sleep on the current diet. We'll see how this goes.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Oct 17, 2020 8:29 pm

Ex bike - 20 min, zone 2
Box squats were really not working. Not coordinated at all. Also really weak.
Press -- tried doing seated OH press. Felt really awkward with 135. I might try standing presses.
Also some curls and wrist curls but not enough. The only element where I did enough for where I am was ex bike.

It's really hard to get started and to work with enough effort. My feeling, both physically and emotionally, is that I've used up my hard effort. I certainly did exert a lot of hard effort earlier in my life and now I feel like doing anything much is too much. But I'm horribly out of shape, physically and for the inevitable demands of life. I'm not sure what the right way is. I thought test would help, thought maybe some meds would help, and I'm not improving at all.

Dietwise I'm on one pound of chicken breast and one pound of liver, plus a few eggs. I also have changed up the liver. I eat it half and half which seems better. Still no change in body comp. I'll see what change if any there is in two more weeks. I've been trying to watch the sneaky cals as well. So it's a half pound of chicken, have the rest of the chicken 2-3 hours later, then 2-3 hours later repeat with the liver. I'm chopping it in my blender. This works well if I do it a half pound at a time. I'm going to try making some salsa so it's less dry and bland.

Sleep quality has suffered but I have to get less fat. 230 is out of spec.

I have tried being less emotionally charged wrt to results and process. I'm generally either super excited, having too much enthusiasm, or rocking it like the "&%$# I suck" guy, or getting mired in depression, etc., and I think that has, in addition to the obvious flaws with that approach, also impaired my progress. I think being less emotional about things will maybe help. It's worth a try.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Oct 18, 2020 8:05 am

Ex bike -- 10 min and stopped, very frustrated that the bike computer isn't working again. I will probably have to ignore it and use something else for timing.
Press -- 135 x 3. Did these standing. Felt heavyish but not that bad but then had to stop.

Okay. I have to get it through my head that age is not just a number. I felt something go crunk in my upper back. I have to do high rep, low weight sets. I keep feeling like I'm so weak that I have to do some actual weight but my body keeps telling me no. My trap and lat on the right side still feel a little sore from three weeks ago. So I have to do easyish stuff. Maybe that will lead to strength, maybe not, but I've got to stop breaking things.

Likewise my big quest for Understanding. I have to chip away at this too.

I've been saying that "I can't . . .". But why am I unwilling to do the better things?

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Oct 18, 2020 10:13 am

I wish I could stop puzzling over some things. It does me no good. It's made me worse. Some things are so obvious to me now, so those other things I keep wondering about are probably also obvious. Yet they still aren't, at least to me.

I have a hard time getting started. I know this and don't have a fix. I suppose I should make an itinerary first thing each day for everything I want to get done (other than the stuff I already have to do that day) and then try to meet those time points for each item. Maybe designate a whiteboard for the daily itinerary.

In an odd way I'm getting more sane despite regressing. I'm feeling more of what I really feel. It hurts but it's the only way -- devolving into not feeling what I feel has hurt me way more than feeling like myself. And the darkness is horrible, and non-survivable. I keep saying I'll stop the darkness but then having relapses. The crazy thing though is, sometimes that's when I have a real breakthrough: the fog cracks and I grok some things. I'd like a healthy way to get that.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Oct 19, 2020 4:36 am

It also occurs to me that maybe the omission of the beets has led to a further decline. I'll pick some up.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Oct 19, 2020 11:24 am

Another element in this is: my defeatedness has metastasized. I've been so totally crushed so hard and so often that I'm just dismantled. Plus many of these failures have been evidence that I'm just completely hopeless. I try to tell myself things but I can't lie to myself. I don't know how a person can have any belief if he doesn't have it. Fridge magnet philosophy isn't what I need here and that's all that seems to be out there in the books, blogs, etc., wrt this point. I need some kind of real reason to believe and I don't see how there can be any. At this point, people always say, "sounds like you've made up your mind", etc. But I'll hash this out in the hopes that I can think of some way to at least have the capacity and desire to attempt to do the things I want to do, the ones that are still possible anyway. Okay, here goes: Can I play in the NFL? Obviously the answer is no. That's not my "attitude", belief, etc., but simply a fact. Closer in, could I deadlift 500 if there was a reason to do so? I don't know but it would be hard to push myself as hard as I'd have to without having the feeling that I could do it -- no wait, that's not it. If I doubt that I can it's hard to even summon the focus and energy. But that's not it either, although that's a part of it. What it is, is this: people do get defeated. I'm really beaten down and I can't think of any way to put anything back in. Granted much of what I've lost has been self inflicted but it's still there. So I don't know how to build back up, or how to do the things I have to do without that juice.

It may not be possible. It may be, likely is, that the traditional view is correct. The best I can think to do is to let my brain rest, meaning to stop doing things that can hurt and just work the process on things. Stoicism doesn't help me to write though. I don't know, but that's also crap since I have failed to put forth a reasonable effort for a reasonable amount of time. I have always disliked the serenity prayer, but I could use the wisdom to know the difference.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by Bram » Mon Oct 19, 2020 4:11 pm

MJS,

I am barraging you with the unsolicited.

After five years of being an anorexic (high school to soph in college), and working out six days a week, and making no progress...I bought a muscle and fitness and copied the generic diet they shared — six months later I had gained forty pounds and had six percent body fat.

That chicken and liver diet is super cockamamie, just grab some standard fitness-nutrition advice and go get some killer progress.

Yeeew
"When you seek it, you cannot find it.” — Zen riddle

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Oct 24, 2020 7:28 pm

Bram wrote:
Mon Oct 19, 2020 4:11 pm

After five years of being an anorexic (high school to soph in college), and working out six days a week, and making no progress...I bought a muscle and fitness and copied the generic diet they shared — six months later I had gained forty pounds and had six percent body fat.

That chicken and liver diet is super cockamamie, just grab some standard fitness-nutrition advice and go get some killer progress.

Yeeew
Bram,

Shame on you. To shit on my diet is the same as shitting on my workouts. The diet is working for me. You clearly think I'm the only person to never read any diets ever. This one has helped me to take pounds off, but the main point here is, to shit all over it like that makes you a bad person.

I really don't think I crushed you like that when I offered some ideas on your surfing cues.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by Bram » Sat Oct 24, 2020 7:46 pm

motherjuggs&speed wrote:
Sat Oct 24, 2020 7:28 pm

Bram,

Shame on you. To shit on my diet is the same as shitting on my workouts. The diet is working for me. You clearly think I'm the only person to never read any diets ever. This one has helped me to take pounds off, but the main point here is, to shit all over it like that makes you a bad person.

I really don't think I crushed you like that when I offered some ideas on your surfing cues.
Fair enough my man, sorry for being a douche and stay strong.

And you never crushed me with your suggestions, I appreciated your words and thoughts. Again, sorry MJS.
"When you seek it, you cannot find it.” — Zen riddle

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:16 pm

Ex bike -- 25 min, zone 1-2 ish
Press, curls, reverse curls, pushups, ab wheel -- not that much but will work up. The weights were done with an empty bar. If I can get to where I can do 100 reps I'll add 10s and repeat. Not sure what to do about squats. They keep being really awkward.

I haven't logged the last couple, in fact I think I'm going to stop logging entirely. I really don't need any negativity; I have enough of that in my mind already. Constructive feedback is good, but injecting shit into my day isn't.

The lat few days I've had a significant decrease in, going to call it anti-clarity. Some things are there for me in a way they haven't been. I think that clarity, as I have experienced it wrt the stuff I've struggled with, is actually still not being there. It's kind of like the difference between seeing a chess combination and thinking I get it, maybe actually getting it, and picking up a piece and knowing what it is: "This is a pawn". To clarify what I mean here, you don't need a whole big doctrine, philosophy, self control, step program, etc., to not pick up dog shit and eat it since It would be insane to think of it in the first place. Most of my incorrect or not appropriate actions were/are like that. I have to recognize that I'm essentially schizophrenic: Maybe not actually, but maybe I kind of am actually. It would explain a bunch of things. Only instead of thinking I'm in touch with aliens or something, I get an idea in my head and will then follow it. I'm also often not able to take in information, with all this, going to call it mental looping going on.

I've mentioned my idea that, if you have the right understanding, even just a small piece of code sometimes, it can make things much clearer. If I take as a given that I do have schizophrenia or something much like it, then I can distrust the ideas that come to me, many of which are really compelling. Instead of justifying past actions and doing the thing people tend to do, which is building a story where my actions and environment make sense, if I say, "I was off my meds", then I can go about doing things in a proper way right now, regardless of what I did at another time.

It bothers me that I never considered this before. I should have, at least 35 years ago if not before. At that time I had the capacity to look at it and didn't. It's no excuse that I was bogged down in my "stuff": simply assessing things on the elements would have gotten me a lot of what I needed and prevented most of my worst mistakes.

So: maybe, in fact probably, I get hostility from everyone because they see at a glance that I'm a crazy person. I don't think I'm that insane, but I must be, to have done the things I have. I don't see people out in the world who seem that crazy who aren't doing something crazy, but maybe I don't notice the crazies. I certainly get aggressively confronted at least once a week when I'm not doing anything wrong, or at least not that wrong. I have always wondered why, and now I think I understand at least some of it. It's really frustrating though, since none of the therapists I have asked about this have given me any feedback. If someone were to have said, "okay, you don't act crazy, but at a glance, it does appear to me that you aren't normal", then okay, I could have taken that in and stopped trying to be around people, as then I would have understood that it was always going to be impossible. Lacking some of the circuits of normal people, I have not been fully able to see it, although there was one pic of myself that I should have paid more attention to.

I don't know what the right thought/feeling is here. If I had understood this at a young age I could have gone all in on living my life accordingly: living in a place with legal prostitution instead of chasing girls, accepting that I wouldn't have friends or any social life instead of trying for those things, buying a house so I could avoid the bad situations I've been in, having no contact with my family except for my brother (and telling him nothing), focusing on buying experiences instead of trying to have them organically (like hiring a coach to teach me to ride trails instead of riding with people who were trying to hurt me), and avoiding stressful situations which bring out the bad me that makes horrible mistakes and which people are really ugly towards. It would have been less difficult, and of course far better, to have done it that way. I wish I had understood it. I did notice that things rarely went well, but sometimes there were moments when they did. I see now that those times weren't usually actually as good as I thought, that I was still usually failing, or that my successes were happened against a backdrop of failure so I shouldn't place too much stock in them. Also, I should have realized how people are, and would continue to be. Toward me anyway. So it was doubly insane to attempt to have any social life: impossible, and not something I should have wanted.
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:36 pm

I also failed to recognize that my biggest failing wasn't my inability to do things I can't do, but rather, not having success. Meaning, no one, even at juggling, cared that I sucked at it, but everyone evaluated me on whether I had success somewhere, ideally somewhere important, but some success. Many people who do not give a damn about juggling at all have lowered their opinion of me hugely over my lack of success there. If I said I could do 8, their attitude toward me would have been different than it was when I said my best was 6. I understand now. It's really obvious but I didn't fully get it for the longest time.

But it's worse than all the above, since I wasn't that that crazy, at least most of the time I wasn't. I knew I was failing. I knew it was going to continue and in fact get a lot worse. I knew bad things would continue to happen. I knew I wasn't usually making a real effort to make them better, and when I was, it was a halfway plan, or I had one part but had no real followup.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Oct 24, 2020 11:48 pm

I'm going to record this dream I woke up from while it's still fresh. I was walking with a girl who was really hostile toward me in Boston. Somehow we were at some event and got to talking. During the walk I suddenly felt that she had decided to take me back to her place. I did think to ask her about why she had been so hostile and rude before but realized nothing good would come of it. We walked down to the area where people had their camper vans parked and got in hers. She said she was kicking her roommate out today (she repeated that emphatically) and grabbed a blanket, took off her pants, and lay down on the floor, indicating I was to join her. Just then I woke up, dammit. In the waking phase I had a sense of peace, that I had gotten some acceptance maybe, or that the things that happened weren't that important. This feeling persisted for about 30 minutes or so. I think that this dream is telling me several things but I don't understand what my stance on this event should be. There are seven or eight things that are usually said wrt painful events in the past, all of which are crap. I don't know what the right thing to think is. There is a right way. I don't think the "it's all in how you look at it" or some rubbish is correct or helpful. There is a right way to think and feel about an event. Maybe no one has discovered it yet, since all the ones I have heard are stupidly wrong. I also think that there's something wrong with a person who doesn't feel the right things. I don't know what the right thing is. Since I don't know, it's probably best to not spend time on it, since I'm not good at finding the right answer quickly. But there is a correct view, always. Maybe no one has it, or maybe there are several components which are all true. Maybe trying to decide what I think and feel other than how I do really feel is a mistake. The feeling follows from the event. How I feel about x should be based on what the thing is. And actually Agnes Collard is correct, that you should stay angry forever. Going over the same ground here but I may be getting somewhere. I shouldn't necessarily feel the same way I felt then, though: maybe what I was feeling, have been feeling, was wrong. There's also the element of how it affects me. I don't know how to get in, and stay in, my IPS and still recognize bad things. My efforts to do this have failed. I get cut off from emotion and that's bad too.

Trainingwise the diet seems to work although I do need more carbs I think. My work capacity is increasing on the bike. Listening to audiobooks and not getting emotionally engaged helps with putting in miles but I seem to not be able to up the intensity without some emotion or stimulus. The diet might be helping with non-cloudiness. Not sure about that though.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Oct 27, 2020 10:51 am

100mg test IM.

No weights the last few days or for the rest of the week since I have a lot to do. Will resume next week.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Oct 27, 2020 8:18 pm

For the first few minutes upon waking up I have awareness of the insanity of my life. I get it, and can't quite believe I even did any of those things. Then that awareness subsides. I don't understand how I could possibly have done any of that, and I also don't get how I do insane things almost every day, even if it's "just" not doing what I have to do.

My mood is cratering with the sudden arrival of Winter. I'm really anxious and fearful.

I do try, for a while anyway, to have a more helpful and/or healthy state. Sometimes I can manage for a whole day, but usually not. Mostly it's for a few hours, then I get into the usual ruts.

Today I'll work the list and try to have my contemplations on the tree of woe be ones that can be helpful.

I should add that helpful and healthy not only aren't the same, they are in some cases directly opposed. I think it''s a sign of improved awareness and understanding to have greater insight into how certain things are, and a sign of mental and emotional health to have the appropriate feelings, even when those feelings are shame, regret, anger, etc. -- it's not good to not have the right feelings. But it hasn't been helpful. There has been essentially zero carryover from understanding > doing better things. Continuing to be an oblivious, emotionally non connected pod person is no good. Getting overwhelmed with emotion isn't either. The middle path I suppose.

I felt engaged in the right way literally two minutes ago and now I'm losing it.

Edit: One might think that my gloom, etc., is directly primed by writing these things. That has to be part of it, but also I've been in the bad habit of thinking things over too much. As was said to me years ago, there is no more information here, make a choice already. I can say that I have deeper understanding, but what's the cash value of that? As the Duke said, we're burning daylight.

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