Eye of the Goat

Post your training journals here if you like. I'll make back-ups to avoid losing your data.

Moderator: Dux

motherjuggs&speed
Sarge
Posts: 141
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Feb 12, 2020 12:38 am

I keep forgetting that I have to do the job twice over. What I mean is, most of the people I deal with in New Mexico would be fired quickly if this were someplace civilized -- for stupidity, incompetence, rudeness, or all three. My mail got put on hold and then they told me delivery would be resumed but it wasn't. So I had a major jolt of stress, plus had to go out in the one snowstorm we've had in years. This sounds trivial and it would be to a lot of people but it hit my nerves hard. So I have to check to make sure the people did the thing that they're paid for.

I don't seem to feel that much less energetic without test. This is due to the low dose. It's a pain in the ass to do it there, figuratively and literally, since the one dude is not a good stick at all.

I have changed sleep some more. Today I simply refused to get up until I got the sleep I needed. But last night I didn't get to sleep when I wanted to. Late at night is when I most feel the things I should do and how bad the pain is, and it always spins me up. I have to force myself to plan the sleep and sleep the plan.

motherjuggs&speed
Sarge
Posts: 141
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Feb 12, 2020 1:36 am

I know that everyone has difficulties. Everyone has things they struggle with. For a long time I battled things. At some point I became less able to handle things. In my clear moments the madness seems as alien to me as in does to other people.

motherjuggs&speed
Sarge
Posts: 141
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Feb 12, 2020 6:39 am

practice -- no progress. Tried playing music again, thought that might help. Still not able to make it happen. I'd rather not waste money on another set of balls if I'm going to suck. I don't see how these beanbags could possibly make me suck this bad.

It's always been hard for me to just understand that I can't do some things. I tell myself I'll try harder, be more careful, focus more, etc., but things I can't do, I can't do. I keep trying, at great cost. I want to stop. Do I think that if I have some success it will redeem the defeats and the time lost? It's just more destruction. I don't want to do this again. If I don't improve a whole lot very soon I'll pack it in. I kind of thought that I'd be rusty but it would clear up quickly and I'd be back to, not 100%, but something okay-ish and build from there. Instead it's been not happening at all.

What makes this harder is that I don't have any understanding of why I fail. In some things it's obvious to me. In most things, I don't get it at all. I don't know why people won't talk to me. I don't know what's going on in my brain that I keep finding ways to lose. I don't know why I'm the one person people pull shit with. I don't know why I fail to understand the people in my life. I didn't understand how precisely evil my mom was, and my sister -- I thought they were just bad people, but everything was always plotted exactly. They took great care to hurt me, it took a lot of planning and effort in execution. Why didn't I understand that? It's so easy to recognize. I'm often oblivious but I'm not that oblivious. I also don't understand why I keep finding the most evil people to be in my life. I didn't think any of them were good people. Why don't I bounce immediately, and stay gone?

Really tired from today's stress bomb. I should have eaten five hours ago. Now it will be harder to get to sleep on time.

motherjuggs&speed
Sarge
Posts: 141
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Feb 13, 2020 1:46 pm

I think the central understanding I have come to about my episodes of nonrational thinking and acting is this: It's a choice. It always was. I was never not in control of it. I did things because I chose to do them. There were and are times that I really am too tired or overloaded and I have to respect that and be extra extra careful at those times but in general I'm not actually insane. It is true that I have difficulty concentrating sometimes but considering all I've been thorough I should be grateful I can function well as often as I can.

Talked to the doc today about my theory that taking the modafinil every day helps build up my executive functioning. He agreed that it does work that way so for now on, on most days I'll take 200 mg and on days I really need something I'll take 400. It does tend to make it harder to get to sleep but that's a price I'll gladly pay for having better functioning and thinking on critical days like today.

I've also noticed how much lighting affects me. I have to get more lamps. I made my apartment dark by default because there are lots of times when oh hell no I'm going to sleep early. But I also have to make it super easy to switch to "get stuff done" mode and more lights will help. I discovered this almost by accident, turning on more lights to help me do some work and I found it elevates my ability to write. So I'll get, let's see, a crapton of lamps with LED bulbs.

I also tried some new go juice. It''s Six Star pre worout explosion. Yeah, I know, another crap supplement. But I read the label and in addition to a lot of caffeine it also has taurine, creatine, and some other stuff that might legitimately help me to feel more physically energetic. Going to call the clinic this week to see about T. I've also been having more beet power in water. At one scoop a day I didn't see a difference. I tried 3 servings a day and it does seem to help with energy. At 4400 feet I do feel less energetic and focused but I think it would be a mistake to move somewhere else right now.

motherjuggs&speed
Sarge
Posts: 141
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Feb 14, 2020 9:09 am

I have to:

Make sure I never get this tired and don't do anything when I am tired.

Also should stop reading news and stay stopped. I can't do anything about any of it until I get my shit together. All it does is make me depressed and angry. It's also disheartening that there seems to be a total of zero honest people. I'll read an analysis or opinion piece that seems sane and reasonable and I'll look up the author's other articles and without even getting through the list I'll see some dishonest and/or nonsensical argument. No one is honest, no one I've read anyway. That's true in politics and social issues but I also don't find anyone who isn't full of it in other domains. All this lying makes baby Jesus cry.
Last edited by motherjuggs&speed on Fri Feb 14, 2020 10:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

motherjuggs&speed
Sarge
Posts: 141
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Feb 14, 2020 10:14 am

practice -- no progress. I'm assessing what's missing. Speed seems to be still there, at least some of it; accuracy is poor; power is not there but that's buildable; timing is completely frelled; the yips are really bad; focus is poor; mental and emotional engagement is low; catching ability is poor but not terrible; and stamina before I run out of quality reps is really low. Putting all that together, it's hard to see a path to improvement.

Lifting -- I had thought to lift after juggling but I mean all the no. Super weak. I have to be way more careful about getting tired. I slept well but was way too tired before I finally got to sleep.

I'm not sure how much is fixable. A lot of it, but enough?

motherjuggs&speed
Sarge
Posts: 141
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Feb 14, 2020 8:13 pm

A frequent topic in the novels of Harry Crews is freaks. One thing he said in interviews is what interested him is that some people can pass for normal and keep their freakness from other people. He can even live a lot of his life like a normal person. He used the example of a dwarf, who is a dwarf every second of his life and it determines everything he does and every interaction he has. I was once able, on good days, to pass for semi-normal. But I can't escape my stupidity or whatever is in my fucked up brain that causes me to create disasters. I try and try and try to do things that normal people can do. I rarely do them right, and even when I do it's still not quite right, and I almost always make it 100X harder than it had to be. I was and am so tired, was barely awake at 6AM, but I thought I should run an errand that a normal person would not have had to do at all. So I did it, and then knew I was too tired to do anything but the effort of going out spun me up and now I'm so tired and so angry and so despairing . . . I mean I wasn't always a hermit. I saw people, knew people, even some really fucked up people, and a lot of them have lives. When I look at anyone else with my life CV, all of them are visibly really fucked up. I mean you can see instantly that this guy can't make it in life. That's me as well, but I could never see it. In some way that I don't understand there's something wrong with me. I keep trying to do things that I think a person would do and it's almost always wrong. The best example I can come up with is Travis Bickle. He says and does things he thinks are normal but it's never quite right, and often really really not right. People sometimes say that I shouldn't judge myself so much, that I couldn't help being fucked up, but that doesn't help at all. I know it's worse when I'm tired and knew I should probably go to sleep, I mean 6 hours ago I knew that but I was worried I wouldn't get something done that a normal person would have had done weeks ago. I knew I should not try to do things when tired. Wasn't that two entries ago? Then I get wound up and try to do things and it never ever ever ever works. I mean in the movies Our Hero finally manages to get a hit in the sandlot game, or something. But I never succeed. I failed to do 7 balls when it would have mattered, i failed to bench 300 when I was trying for it, I always lose, as in all the time. Always. I'd be a lot less fucked up and a lot less miserable if I'd done things. Had a result in a sport. Gotten something published that people liked. Had something I could be proud of and that other people would say, yeah, that's okay. Never. I mean never. Nothing. It kills me.

motherjuggs&speed
Sarge
Posts: 141
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Feb 15, 2020 7:12 am

Finally got to sleep. I do see things when spun up that numb me doesn't want to think about or sometimes can't. Oddly, when I was tired but not super cooked, I understood some things clearly. Including some sport training concepts that eluded me for a long time. Several things were clear and I felt physically okay, tired but I felt like I could do things. Then I pushed myself too far. Then I didn't turn it off when I should have.

Oh, and it's not a coincidence that I did this week the way I did it. I made sure that I wouldn't do the things I need to do. Resistance.

I keep being obsessed with "why did I do x at that time" but that stuff is daily. Has been every day or nearly so. Have to do the itinerary, and only that. Each day. Each hour.

motherjuggs&speed
Sarge
Posts: 141
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Feb 16, 2020 5:53 am

juggling -- nothing. I mean I don't even know what to do to try to improve. It's not happening at all.

SQ -- felt super weak on two sets of 135, super high. I need something to try to get more ROM in the knee that was injured but I can't get a script for pain. I suggested some non opiate stuff but no. So it will be vodka and (?) to take the edge off the pain when I do hard bending. I can't squat deep until I improve ROM and I don't know how to strengthen the quad safely with what I have. I've been reluctant to see the PT since he was recommended by that idiot PA who is my primary right now.

The dose of test I've been on was doing something. I didn't think it was but I feel less energetic without it.

To avoid the doldrums I've been starting the day with 200 mg provigil and a half scoop of the new go juice. It does do something. I also have to work the schedule every day. I never feel like doing anything. I know it's hypocritical for me to put forth any ideas on life when I'm having such a hard time myself. I don't know if it's worse or better that I'm looking into teaching juggling at the veteran's home. I know a guy who knows a guy who knows another guy, and it seems there might be some interest. I haven't heard from the guy yet, the one running things there, so we'll see. On the one hand, I hate people now, but on the other hand, it hurts to be of no value to anyone.

motherjuggs&speed
Sarge
Posts: 141
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Feb 16, 2020 4:05 pm

It's so aggravating that I don't put the pieces together quickly. I have long assumed that my set point changed and I put on a lot of fat when my stress level soared, sleep quality tanked, and I had to shovel high density food in order to function at all. All those things happened, but I now think that failing to eat meals in a major issue. Meaning, I basically eat like Repo Man -- I snarf down some Food. I have not thought about good food combinations since 1998, which is when my BW started going up. I'm thinking that the reason I feel so undernourished is due to not having proper foods. Now that I can manage that I'm going to do that.

I keep saying to stick to the schedule but I rarely do that.

motherjuggs&speed
Sarge
Posts: 141
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Feb 17, 2020 11:37 am

BP -- one set of 185 x 5, felt ok, was going to do more, but then felt like doing any more would take a lot out of me.
Also some curls.

The better I do, the better I do. I replaced a lot of my crap online video time with watching some stuff related to writing. My head is better.

Oddly, although I feel less energetic without the test, I feel more connected to myself in certain ways. I will still work to get on a bigger dose, though, as how I am on 100 mg/week isn't getting it done.

I have a new idea for writing, namely to do 100 stories of 100 words on different subjects. Not exactly 100 words, I think that's an indulgence. About 100 words. Flash fiction. Put together books that way.

I feel like I'm about 5-6 essays, plus an introduction, from putting my essay collection out there.

motherjuggs&speed
Sarge
Posts: 141
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Feb 17, 2020 4:22 pm

I said daily. I mean minute by minute almost. I have to watch myself all the time. I was doing fine and then . . .yeah, 3 hours later, much more depressed and aggravated and miserable. I can't tell myself it's not on purpose. I have to watch it all the time. So tired but can't sleep yet.

I know things and then, I don't know. I keep thinking I'm on top of things and then I go off the rails. What would the best me do now? I keep doing the opposite. I'll be good for a while, then have, I don't know what to call it. I despair of ever being sane. I'm so tired yet I'm so wound up. I can't explain it. I feel normal-ish and then I'm watching some crap, or playing some game and getting aggro over something I shouldn't be doing, or yada yada. So tired of being this. I hurt so much. It's like there's some software that makes me destroy good things. I don't know why I can't fix it or at least watch it all the time. Seems so easy to just never do any triggers. Everyone else keeps good things and gets rid of bad things. I don't know what to do. It's so simple to just never do anything bad. If I didn't have to do the whole big suicide thingy, if there were just a button to push, if I could just click a menu and get a dialog box: Are you sure you want to stop now? I'd hit yes without hesitation. But it hurts so much to have to admit defeat, to say to the world that I was always nothing and couldn't do anything.Everyone will have a good laugh. They all hated me, but what bothers me is that everyone will lie about me too. I mean they do that already, I just kind of want to have something else for someone to say. "He did do x though". God damn it hurts to be this. I'll be okay for days, I think I'm okay, and then, I can't call it madness, I wish it were that simple and forgivable. These days, these segments of time, are choices.So tired but -- okay, that's actuall the subject of a brief essay. If I'tired then go to bed, even if I'm not sleepy.

I have to listen to Sane Me all the time. He's unhappy and wants to escape it but he knows what's best, even though he feels crappy. I told myself in May of 2018, dude, stop doing this. It's gotten so much worse since then.

motherjuggs&speed
Sarge
Posts: 141
Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:08 am

Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Feb 17, 2020 4:31 pm

It's a doing thing, not a thinking thing. It's what I do. Have to watch what I do. Do a Zoom Do.

Post Reply