Eye of the Goat

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motherjuggs&speed
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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Feb 12, 2020 12:38 am

I keep forgetting that I have to do the job twice over. What I mean is, most of the people I deal with in New Mexico would be fired quickly if this were someplace civilized -- for stupidity, incompetence, rudeness, or all three. My mail got put on hold and then they told me delivery would be resumed but it wasn't. So I had a major jolt of stress, plus had to go out in the one snowstorm we've had in years. This sounds trivial and it would be to a lot of people but it hit my nerves hard. So I have to check to make sure the people did the thing that they're paid for.

I don't seem to feel that much less energetic without test. This is due to the low dose. It's a pain in the ass to do it there, figuratively and literally, since the one dude is not a good stick at all.

I have changed sleep some more. Today I simply refused to get up until I got the sleep I needed. But last night I didn't get to sleep when I wanted to. Late at night is when I most feel the things I should do and how bad the pain is, and it always spins me up. I have to force myself to plan the sleep and sleep the plan.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Feb 12, 2020 1:36 am

I know that everyone has difficulties. Everyone has things they struggle with. For a long time I battled things. At some point I became less able to handle things. In my clear moments the madness seems as alien to me as in does to other people.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Feb 12, 2020 6:39 am

practice -- no progress. Tried playing music again, thought that might help. Still not able to make it happen. I'd rather not waste money on another set of balls if I'm going to suck. I don't see how these beanbags could possibly make me suck this bad.

It's always been hard for me to just understand that I can't do some things. I tell myself I'll try harder, be more careful, focus more, etc., but things I can't do, I can't do. I keep trying, at great cost. I want to stop. Do I think that if I have some success it will redeem the defeats and the time lost? It's just more destruction. I don't want to do this again. If I don't improve a whole lot very soon I'll pack it in. I kind of thought that I'd be rusty but it would clear up quickly and I'd be back to, not 100%, but something okay-ish and build from there. Instead it's been not happening at all.

What makes this harder is that I don't have any understanding of why I fail. In some things it's obvious to me. In most things, I don't get it at all. I don't know why people won't talk to me. I don't know what's going on in my brain that I keep finding ways to lose. I don't know why I'm the one person people pull shit with. I don't know why I fail to understand the people in my life. I didn't understand how precisely evil my mom was, and my sister -- I thought they were just bad people, but everything was always plotted exactly. They took great care to hurt me, it took a lot of planning and effort in execution. Why didn't I understand that? It's so easy to recognize. I'm often oblivious but I'm not that oblivious. I also don't understand why I keep finding the most evil people to be in my life. I didn't think any of them were good people. Why don't I bounce immediately, and stay gone?

Really tired from today's stress bomb. I should have eaten five hours ago. Now it will be harder to get to sleep on time.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Feb 13, 2020 1:46 pm

I think the central understanding I have come to about my episodes of nonrational thinking and acting is this: It's a choice. It always was. I was never not in control of it. I did things because I chose to do them. There were and are times that I really am too tired or overloaded and I have to respect that and be extra extra careful at those times but in general I'm not actually insane. It is true that I have difficulty concentrating sometimes but considering all I've been thorough I should be grateful I can function well as often as I can.

Talked to the doc today about my theory that taking the modafinil every day helps build up my executive functioning. He agreed that it does work that way so for now on, on most days I'll take 200 mg and on days I really need something I'll take 400. It does tend to make it harder to get to sleep but that's a price I'll gladly pay for having better functioning and thinking on critical days like today.

I've also noticed how much lighting affects me. I have to get more lamps. I made my apartment dark by default because there are lots of times when oh hell no I'm going to sleep early. But I also have to make it super easy to switch to "get stuff done" mode and more lights will help. I discovered this almost by accident, turning on more lights to help me do some work and I found it elevates my ability to write. So I'll get, let's see, a crapton of lamps with LED bulbs.

I also tried some new go juice. It''s Six Star pre worout explosion. Yeah, I know, another crap supplement. But I read the label and in addition to a lot of caffeine it also has taurine, creatine, and some other stuff that might legitimately help me to feel more physically energetic. Going to call the clinic this week to see about T. I've also been having more beet power in water. At one scoop a day I didn't see a difference. I tried 3 servings a day and it does seem to help with energy. At 4400 feet I do feel less energetic and focused but I think it would be a mistake to move somewhere else right now.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Feb 14, 2020 9:09 am

I have to:

Make sure I never get this tired and don't do anything when I am tired.

Also should stop reading news and stay stopped. I can't do anything about any of it until I get my shit together. All it does is make me depressed and angry. It's also disheartening that there seems to be a total of zero honest people. I'll read an analysis or opinion piece that seems sane and reasonable and I'll look up the author's other articles and without even getting through the list I'll see some dishonest and/or nonsensical argument. No one is honest, no one I've read anyway. That's true in politics and social issues but I also don't find anyone who isn't full of it in other domains. All this lying makes baby Jesus cry.
Last edited by motherjuggs&speed on Fri Feb 14, 2020 10:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Feb 14, 2020 10:14 am

practice -- no progress. I'm assessing what's missing. Speed seems to be still there, at least some of it; accuracy is poor; power is not there but that's buildable; timing is completely frelled; the yips are really bad; focus is poor; mental and emotional engagement is low; catching ability is poor but not terrible; and stamina before I run out of quality reps is really low. Putting all that together, it's hard to see a path to improvement.

Lifting -- I had thought to lift after juggling but I mean all the no. Super weak. I have to be way more careful about getting tired. I slept well but was way too tired before I finally got to sleep.

I'm not sure how much is fixable. A lot of it, but enough?

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Feb 14, 2020 8:13 pm

A frequent topic in the novels of Harry Crews is freaks. One thing he said in interviews is what interested him is that some people can pass for normal and keep their freakness from other people. He can even live a lot of his life like a normal person. He used the example of a dwarf, who is a dwarf every second of his life and it determines everything he does and every interaction he has. I was once able, on good days, to pass for semi-normal. But I can't escape my stupidity or whatever is in my fucked up brain that causes me to create disasters. I try and try and try to do things that normal people can do. I rarely do them right, and even when I do it's still not quite right, and I almost always make it 100X harder than it had to be. I was and am so tired, was barely awake at 6AM, but I thought I should run an errand that a normal person would not have had to do at all. So I did it, and then knew I was too tired to do anything but the effort of going out spun me up and now I'm so tired and so angry and so despairing . . . I mean I wasn't always a hermit. I saw people, knew people, even some really fucked up people, and a lot of them have lives. When I look at anyone else with my life CV, all of them are visibly really fucked up. I mean you can see instantly that this guy can't make it in life. That's me as well, but I could never see it. In some way that I don't understand there's something wrong with me. I keep trying to do things that I think a person would do and it's almost always wrong. The best example I can come up with is Travis Bickle. He says and does things he thinks are normal but it's never quite right, and often really really not right. People sometimes say that I shouldn't judge myself so much, that I couldn't help being fucked up, but that doesn't help at all. I know it's worse when I'm tired and knew I should probably go to sleep, I mean 6 hours ago I knew that but I was worried I wouldn't get something done that a normal person would have had done weeks ago. I knew I should not try to do things when tired. Wasn't that two entries ago? Then I get wound up and try to do things and it never ever ever ever works. I mean in the movies Our Hero finally manages to get a hit in the sandlot game, or something. But I never succeed. I failed to do 7 balls when it would have mattered, i failed to bench 300 when I was trying for it, I always lose, as in all the time. Always. I'd be a lot less fucked up and a lot less miserable if I'd done things. Had a result in a sport. Gotten something published that people liked. Had something I could be proud of and that other people would say, yeah, that's okay. Never. I mean never. Nothing. It kills me.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Feb 15, 2020 7:12 am

Finally got to sleep. I do see things when spun up that numb me doesn't want to think about or sometimes can't. Oddly, when I was tired but not super cooked, I understood some things clearly. Including some sport training concepts that eluded me for a long time. Several things were clear and I felt physically okay, tired but I felt like I could do things. Then I pushed myself too far. Then I didn't turn it off when I should have.

Oh, and it's not a coincidence that I did this week the way I did it. I made sure that I wouldn't do the things I need to do. Resistance.

I keep being obsessed with "why did I do x at that time" but that stuff is daily. Has been every day or nearly so. Have to do the itinerary, and only that. Each day. Each hour.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Feb 16, 2020 5:53 am

juggling -- nothing. I mean I don't even know what to do to try to improve. It's not happening at all.

SQ -- felt super weak on two sets of 135, super high. I need something to try to get more ROM in the knee that was injured but I can't get a script for pain. I suggested some non opiate stuff but no. So it will be vodka and (?) to take the edge off the pain when I do hard bending. I can't squat deep until I improve ROM and I don't know how to strengthen the quad safely with what I have. I've been reluctant to see the PT since he was recommended by that idiot PA who is my primary right now.

The dose of test I've been on was doing something. I didn't think it was but I feel less energetic without it.

To avoid the doldrums I've been starting the day with 200 mg provigil and a half scoop of the new go juice. It does do something. I also have to work the schedule every day. I never feel like doing anything. I know it's hypocritical for me to put forth any ideas on life when I'm having such a hard time myself. I don't know if it's worse or better that I'm looking into teaching juggling at the veteran's home. I know a guy who knows a guy who knows another guy, and it seems there might be some interest. I haven't heard from the guy yet, the one running things there, so we'll see. On the one hand, I hate people now, but on the other hand, it hurts to be of no value to anyone.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Feb 16, 2020 4:05 pm

It's so aggravating that I don't put the pieces together quickly. I have long assumed that my set point changed and I put on a lot of fat when my stress level soared, sleep quality tanked, and I had to shovel high density food in order to function at all. All those things happened, but I now think that failing to eat meals in a major issue. Meaning, I basically eat like Repo Man -- I snarf down some Food. I have not thought about good food combinations since 1998, which is when my BW started going up. I'm thinking that the reason I feel so undernourished is due to not having proper foods. Now that I can manage that I'm going to do that.

I keep saying to stick to the schedule but I rarely do that.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Feb 17, 2020 11:37 am

BP -- one set of 185 x 5, felt ok, was going to do more, but then felt like doing any more would take a lot out of me.
Also some curls.

The better I do, the better I do. I replaced a lot of my crap online video time with watching some stuff related to writing. My head is better.

Oddly, although I feel less energetic without the test, I feel more connected to myself in certain ways. I will still work to get on a bigger dose, though, as how I am on 100 mg/week isn't getting it done.

I have a new idea for writing, namely to do 100 stories of 100 words on different subjects. Not exactly 100 words, I think that's an indulgence. About 100 words. Flash fiction. Put together books that way.

I feel like I'm about 5-6 essays, plus an introduction, from putting my essay collection out there.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Feb 17, 2020 4:22 pm

I said daily. I mean minute by minute almost. I have to watch myself all the time. I was doing fine and then . . .yeah, 3 hours later, much more depressed and aggravated and miserable. I can't tell myself it's not on purpose. I have to watch it all the time. So tired but can't sleep yet.

I know things and then, I don't know. I keep thinking I'm on top of things and then I go off the rails. What would the best me do now? I keep doing the opposite. I'll be good for a while, then have, I don't know what to call it. I despair of ever being sane. I'm so tired yet I'm so wound up. I can't explain it. I feel normal-ish and then I'm watching some crap, or playing some game and getting aggro over something I shouldn't be doing, or yada yada. So tired of being this. I hurt so much. It's like there's some software that makes me destroy good things. I don't know why I can't fix it or at least watch it all the time. Seems so easy to just never do any triggers. Everyone else keeps good things and gets rid of bad things. I don't know what to do. It's so simple to just never do anything bad. If I didn't have to do the whole big suicide thingy, if there were just a button to push, if I could just click a menu and get a dialog box: Are you sure you want to stop now? I'd hit yes without hesitation. But it hurts so much to have to admit defeat, to say to the world that I was always nothing and couldn't do anything.Everyone will have a good laugh. They all hated me, but what bothers me is that everyone will lie about me too. I mean they do that already, I just kind of want to have something else for someone to say. "He did do x though". God damn it hurts to be this. I'll be okay for days, I think I'm okay, and then, I can't call it madness, I wish it were that simple and forgivable. These days, these segments of time, are choices.So tired but -- okay, that's actuall the subject of a brief essay. If I'tired then go to bed, even if I'm not sleepy.

I have to listen to Sane Me all the time. He's unhappy and wants to escape it but he knows what's best, even though he feels crappy. I told myself in May of 2018, dude, stop doing this. It's gotten so much worse since then.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Feb 17, 2020 4:31 pm

It's a doing thing, not a thinking thing. It's what I do. Have to watch what I do. Do a Zoom Do.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Feb 18, 2020 10:56 am

I have a new idea for diet. I'm going to try having half the beef at twice the price and make up the difference with liver, which is the same price as the cheap high fat ground beef. So I'll get steak and have that with liver, or maybe have them separate, we'll see. The idea is to reduce cals by reducing fat intake without breaking the bank. There may be a difference in how I feel going from lower quality food to higher quality food. I'm also going to have more eggs.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Tue Feb 18, 2020 3:36 pm

Just wrote a 100 word story. I have to write daily. I do that anyway but it has to be something instead of nothing.

I feel the fear again. I was numb for a few weeks. I have to do a lot of work.

I'm dismayed at how dumb I was when I was going for three plates on bench. I could have gotten there easily if I'd changed my technique. I don't know why I do things that way.

I feel so much fear but I'm not sure what the specific thing is that I should most defend against.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Feb 19, 2020 2:19 am

The more I feel this way the worse things get, but trying to feel good is also a mistake. I don't know how to get to a better way of living. For the time being I have to do the things that need to be done but I feel like also I need some light, something that makes me feel joy, fulfillment, that kind of thing.

I've never managed modulation. I have had a hard time installing a control mechanism. I'm all one way or all another way, either blackly depressed or pushing the pain away. Stoicism hasn't worked that well, not for long anyway. I can do it for a short time but I can't be so flat my whole life and wouldn't want to be un-alive which is the way it seems like I have to be to be better. When I live that way I can't function either, I mean I was dead inside in Boston and look how I functioned. So I have to be better. I don't know what to aspire to that's worthwhile, except for violence and suicide, which I should do both of. I'm afraid of fucking up and not dying though.

For right now I have to do correct tired procedure, which is to do nothing except eat early and prepare to sleep early. My sleep had been good but not today.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Feb 20, 2020 2:05 am

Have to clangproof my rack and bar. I maybe shouldn't have gotten a rack at all. I just thought to do some rows and holy shit did that use me up for the day. i'll get a bunch of foam tape. The coating on the pins is super sucky and it will all wear off soon if I keep moving the pins. Not that I care about the look so much but it will make a lot more scraping sounds when it's metal on metal. I'm going to leave the bar in the rack and re-position the pins for different lifts. Taking the bar in and out of the rack will definitely result in bad things happening.

The stew meat kind of sucks and the good cuts are expensive as you all know so maybe I'll try to keep the ground beef in and cut out chicken instead. Every time I get away from beef for long I have less energy. The thing nobody mentions about dieting is sleep quality. I'd be perfectly willing to live on whiting and lean turkey at 1600 kcals/day if I could sleep well on that, but I can't.

I'll try rowing before benching and ab wheel between. The mental effort to do things is almost as much as the physical effort, and a way bigger obstacle for me generally. If I can chunk elements together I'll be more likely to do them.
Last edited by motherjuggs&speed on Thu Feb 20, 2020 8:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Thu Feb 20, 2020 4:05 am

Always it keeps coming back to

I have to never do any of the dumb things

I have to do all of the needful things

I have to avoid getting so fried and take extra care when I am and power down well.

I thought I was going to lift, but then clanging happened which demolished me. So the thing to do then was just to chill. I think maybe a trainer is a good idea since it will give me a low impact thing to do when I'm wound up.

I hate being this way but I somehow don't hate it enough to change. I have to be better. I want to be better. I have to do the things that need doing and nothing else.

Why don't I hate it enough to change? I hate every day, hate myself every day, and somehow I'm not doing anything to make things better. I don't know how I can be any more unhappy and still function.I keep putting things on the list and then not doing them.

Oh and I left my car door open when unloading my stuff from the store and hopefully my hamburgers are still frozen through. They'd still be there if someone hadn't knocked on my door to tell me. I have to improve so much and I'm sinking. Have to level the fuck up.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Feb 22, 2020 3:16 pm

The latest diet idea is to have the old restriction days and refeed days. It's worth a try. Counting cals suggests a plan.

1 lb chicken + rice ` 600 cals
1 lb turkey - 920
5 eggs 350

180 grams of protein and 1900 cals on the calorie deficit days, and beef instead of chicken on the refeed days. Have some milk for when I really want it but have leaning days be the default setting. Maybe alternate liver and chicken.

Fatloss seems futile at this point but that kind of thinking always hurts me. If it's worth doing I should do it.

I think this basic outline is probably right, although I may change it. I'm never hungry when I wake up and I don't want to distract myself with meal prep anyway when I have things to do so some hard boiled eggs should give me some protein and keep me from getting too jiggy. Then have the actual meals later.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sat Feb 22, 2020 6:54 pm

One thing i have to get over is this idea of overcoming things, or another way to look at the same idea from another angle is redemption. These ideas are as illusory and as harmful as original sin, or witches, or some such. These ideas have hurt me. Also the idea of persistence. If you can't do something, you can't do it -- stop causing yourself more pain and wasting everyone's time. There are things you can't come back from, and shouldn't try to. I'll write an essay on this later but I wanted to put that here as a reminder to myself. If I had pulled the plug in 2008 it would have been so much better. 1986 would have been better still.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Sun Feb 23, 2020 3:30 pm

Rows -- two easy sets just to start doing them again.
curls -- two hardish sets w/ 65
ab wheel -- two sets, getting into these again

I took the pins out since I'm not going to go near a limit bench any time soon. It seems crazy but I really dislike fooling around with things before doing something. The harder it is to start the more likely I'll put it off. Thus I want an easy setup for lifting (and everything else).

I had been wondering why my weight shot up last year but if I look at my actual activity it's clear. Going to look at some kind of stationary bike setup. I've been taking short walks but that won't do much.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Feb 24, 2020 4:57 pm

It takes a lot longer to get to sleep on low calorie days, thus I have to plan for that.

As far as the mental/emotional stuff, I tend to not forget but push away how bad I really feel. So I look at my bad choices as bad choices, which they are, but it's not like I'm so happy without the bad choices. It's also folly to think that everything will be great if I just avoid mistakes. As the doc pointed out, everyone dies, not everyone lives. I've made so many mistakes that I often feel like, and I've said this to myself 10000 times, that if I'd done nothing at all it would have been better than what I did do. But that also sucks. I've been in so many bad situations that I often feel like I should just stay in my apartment, the first place of my own since 2008, that at least I'm not out there where the bad things are. But I'm dying in other ways. Plus the world keeps doing it's thing. They're coming for you. This ain't like playing Wake Forest, they're coming.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Mon Feb 24, 2020 6:56 pm

All this is weakness, stupidity, laziness, avoidance. I should have realized what was up and done it in 2008. I keep wondering what's wrong with me but that's another evasion. I fear things but fear has not kept bad things from happening, in fact things about as bad as what I most fear have nearly happened several times in the interim. Plus my emotional state is a hundred times worse.

The problem with this much self reflection is that it becomes narcissism -- I became unable to see past the event horizon of my own thinking. Things were so obvious. I know now, in fact I've known for years, but I have not acted and it's caused a lot more pain in the long run. I have to stop stewing and ruminating and get things done already.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Wed Feb 26, 2020 11:37 pm

Indian clubs -- just learning these but it feels good. I'll make this an earlyish thing to do dailyish. There's a good video tutorial on YT that's I'm too tired to link to now.

It seems to me that I honestly do understand and also grok, grab, on a real level, some of the things I've been doing. I don't know why the unskillful thoughts return. I mean I know how unhappy I am and that I'm looking for some respite, even if it's different and worse pain. But I have to do right daily. Yesterday I made much harder than it had to be. I did grab some good books at the library though. Also watched a movie I bought just for eye candy (You & I, with Mischa Barton and Shantel VanSanten) turned out to be a crazy ride. Really, really dark. I recommend no one watch it. It was really disturbing. For example, Shantel takes a big bang of H and we see her go to the far side of the moon. She delivered that so well it makes me rethink humanity. Both leads went all in on showing the illusory nature of of the faces we show to each other and the insanity and craven mendacity that lies juuuuust beneath the surface. There was, sigh, a too-happy ending which made little sense. But from about 20 minutes in until the last ten minutes, damn. You really don't want to watch this one if you still believe in the good things in life.

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Re: Eye of the Goat

Post by motherjuggs&speed » Fri Feb 28, 2020 6:54 am

I tend to rail against my bad days and bad choices, but it's not like I'm doing okay the rest of the time. I went to bed and woke up an hour later with some clarity. I did write a decent essay but I have to remember, well, the usual.

I called the clinic today and it may be possible to get on a real dose. A little expensive but maybe doable.

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