How the Garm Stole Christmas

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Grandpa's Spells
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How the Garm Stole Christmas

Post by Grandpa's Spells » Fri Dec 16, 2005 7:09 pm

By Jack R.

How the Garm stole X-mas
by Dr -s-

Every jew
Down in jew-ville
Liked Christmas a lot...

But the Garm,
Who lived just south of jew-ville,
Did NOT!

The Garm hated Christmas!
The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his bodyfat wasn't quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his ink was too bright.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his bench was two hundred pounds small.

Whatever the reason,
His bench or the tattoes,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the jews,
Staring down from his house with a sour, Garmy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every jew down in jew-ville below
Was broad in the shoulders, like our man jewfroe.

"And they're swinging the kbs!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his garm fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Dr Sonnon from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the IG girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the jews and the Sonnons, christians and pagan, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
They would start on nut paste, and rare Who-roast-beast
Which was something Mike Mahler couldn't stand in the least!

They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every jew down in jew-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand all around And the Clubbells would start swinging!

They'd swing! And they'd swing!
And the more the Garm thought of the Jew-Clubbell Swing
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Sonnon from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!

"I know just what to do!" The Garm Laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick gunny Sergeant hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Garmy scene!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like a recon Marine!"

"All I need is a dumbass..."
The Garm looked around.
But since dumbasses are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Garm...?
No! The Garm simply said,
"If I can't find a dumbass, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his bigpeach. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a big horn on top of his head.

He loaded some bags
And old towels from the beach
On a ramshakle humvee
And he hitched up bigpeach.

Then the Garm said, "Uhrah!"
And the humveeh started down
Toward the homes where the jews
Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the jews were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one," The old Guner garm hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he wriggled down the chimney showing his tattoed arm.
But if peach could do it, then so could the Garm.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little jew hairdoes were in full corn row.
"These braids," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Kettlebells! And clubells! Indo boards! Drums!
Pavelizers, DVDs! books! Videos! And plums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Garm, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the jews' feast!
He took the nut paste! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Grinch even took their last can of jew-hash!

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will stuff up the tree!"

And the Grinch grabbed the tree, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
Someone was muching and crunching, and eating plenty
Little Big Peach, who was less than three seventy.

He stared at the Garm and said, "Gunner Garm, why,
"Why aren't we eating HERE? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Garm was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my shrinking little dumbass" the fake Gunny lied,
"The one meal a day is the best diet i have tried.
"So lets take the food home to my frig, pretty fast.
"We will eat it up there, and hack the fat off your ass."

Then the last thing he took
Was the log for their fire.
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but power hooks, and some wire.

And the one speck of food
The he left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

He did the same thing
To the other jews' houses

Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other jews' mouses!

It was quarter past dawn...
All the jews, still a-bed
All the jews, still a-snooze
When he packed up his humvee,
Packed it up with their weights! The headgear! The san shou wrappings!
The heavy bags! The trimmings! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Garmint,
He rode to the tiptop to laugh at those varmint!
"Pooh-pooh to the jews!" he was garm-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the jews down in jew-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Garm,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Garm put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at jew-ville!
The Garm popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every jew down in jew-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any bodyfat at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
Somehow or other, their abs were insane!

And the Garm, with his boondockers ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without diets! It came without tags!
"It came without nut paste, yoga or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Garm thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe hard work," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe perseverence...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...? jew-ville they say
That the Garms small bench
Grew three hundred pounds that day!
And the minute his pants didn't feel quite so tight,
after he whizzed his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the weights! And the food for the feast!
And he...

The Garm helped the big peach!
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