Author Topic: Top advice for obese people
Member # 34
posted August 30, 2004 09:00 AMAugust 30, 2004 09:00 PM
Warning: I used to be fat. I'm not anymore. I used to be weak. I'm not now. I used to make excuses. I stopped. What you're about to read is offensive and hurtful, especially if you're overweight.
I. Don't. Care.
I can say whatever I want about fat people because I used to be one of them. I've earned that right. If you think I've stepped over the line, then please, wipe the chocolate off your mouth, pucker up, and kiss my formerly fat ass. Really.
An open letter to pathetic fat people:
It's over. No more pity. I've spent years now trying to help you by writing diets, creating workouts, and doing my best to offer inspiration. I'm through with it. Either you want to change or you don't. If you want to be obese, fine, wallow in it, but please shut the fuck up about it and stop whining.
I'm sick, sick, sick to death of hearing you bawl about how you've "tried everything to lose weight." Horse shit! When pressed about the details, the truth always comes out: "Oh, I tried fasting, Slim Fast, the 48-Hour Hollywood Miracle diet, the Ab Blaster 5000, the cabbage soup diet, blah, blah, blah..."
Hey, Wide Load, ever try a real exercise program and a real, sensible diet? Ever try the Stop-Eating-Fucking-Oreos Diet? How about the Stop-Eating-Shit-You-Know-Is-Bad-For-You Plan? I hear that works. Ever try being consistent for more than three days?
"Oh, I've tried everything."
Noooooo, you starved for six days, then ate a bucket of ice cream and cried. Why don't you eat healthy for six months and do some exercises besides laps between the couch and the kitchen? Bet you haven't tried that.
Yeah, you've tried everything. Every stupid fucking thing you could find except actual healthy eating and exercise.
I'm becoming the Anti-Richard Simmons. I'm not going to crawl into bed with you where you've been lying for four months in a puddle of piss and cry with you like that pansy does. I'm going to tip that comfortable coffin over and let you burn a few hundred calories trying to get up.
You want some McNuggets and a Pespi, you self-destructive, excuse-making sack of lard? Fine, you can have it if you waddle your supersized ass down the road to McDonalds.
And what's with the gastric-bypass surgeries? This is nothing more than surgically induced anorexia for people who lack the willpower to become real anorexics. I have much more respect for the anorexics. At least they have a sense of self-control. Their self-discipline may be misdirected, but dammit, at least they have some!
The only thing worse than you self-delusional "I've tried everything" fatties are the ones who demand they not be treated any differently than non-fatties. Sorry, that's like walking around the mall with a four-foot green mohawk and getting pissed when people stare at you or treat you differently. What did you expect?
Newsflash: You're not normal. You're not normal because of the choices you've made. Don't expect to be treated as a normal human being when you're not. What's perfectly normal is when people are repelled by your obesity. Sorry, you may have the "right" to be a fat ass, but the rest of us have the "right" to be sick to our stomachs looking at you.
Listen, tubby, you don't need "acceptance." That's just a nice word for enablement. Hey, if you can have a "fat acceptance" activist group (although "active" may be the wrong root word here) then maybe the child molesters, booze hounds, and crackheads should have acceptance groups too?
Why should poor, mistreated crack addicts have to be subjected to discrimination by fascists employers who insist on firing them for stealing company funds to buy drugs and then not showing up for work? That's just wrong! Crackheads should just be "accepted." And those priests who rape little boys? Just accept them! This is America!
Nope, ain't gonna happen, fatty. You can bet your favorite reinforced sofa on it. When my daughter points out a disgusting pile of corpulence riding a motorized cart around the grocery store, I'm supposed to tell her that it's impolite to point, that people come in all sizes and that fat is beautiful. Um, no. Again, that's enablement. It's also lying to children. Both bad.
I propose we all point and laugh at fat people like you, especially if you're riding a motorized cart around the grocery store buying junk food. Allow me to offer suggestions for verbal commentary:
"Hey, look at that enormous fucking whale on the scooter! Jesus Jumpin' Christ, that's the most pathetic thing I've ever seen! I don't know whether to laugh or puke! Look kids, that's what happens when you can't control yourself. That's why Daddy encourages you to be active and not eat too much candy. Goddammit, let's go workout right now until that disturbing fucking mental image is erased from our minds!"
Maybe this will encourage you to do something. If not, then maybe you'll at least stay the fuck at home and not role model that behavior to our kids.
Sociologists tell us that fat people are looked down upon because humans instinctively think that being overweight is a sign of laziness and lack of self-control. You know why people think that? Because being overweight is a sign of laziness and lack of self control!
Medical condition? It's the dance of chicken and egg, lard ass. Genetics? Maybe genetics loaded the gun, but you pulled the fucking trigger and reloaded twice.
You should feel bad. You should be embarrassed. You should be discriminated against. You should have to pay for two seats on an airplane. In fact, if I have to sit beside you, you should pay for mine too because I have to sit there and look at your arm flab hanging off the armrest into my lap! Fuck me, you owe me money for the therapy I'll need because of that plane ride!
Acceptance? Sure, accept that your obesity has lead to a destructive form of denial and you're going to die because of it. Accept your own fucking early death and miserable life and get off my TV with your whining.
And face it, you do want to die. You're committing a form of protracted suicide right now. But can you do the tax payers a favor and speed things up? You know, before you destroy the healthcare system?
And please, none of that cry-for-help crap either. If you're going to kill yourself, do it with enthusiasm, like you're eating a box of Twinkies.
Love and kisses,
An archive of helpful advice compiled by IGer's.
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