Suicide Squad

[Kazuya Mishima]

I swear to fucking God, if David Ayer made a screen adaptation of Wuthering Heights, Heathcliff would be stalking around with an AR-15 and checking corners for tangos. This was just a bunch of tactitardness wrapped in a comic book veneer. Imagine a cross between SWAT and Howard the Duck...pretty much this festering dog turd.

I know it may be a bit of a stretch to ask for some level of realism in a superhero movie, but holy shit the people running the government in the DC universe are dumber than the actual dumbasses running the government in Real Space 1.0. So, we gotta go retake Metro City from an ancient goddess who can shit MAJICK, and her equally awesome bro who can ejaculate HOT DEATH from the tips of his fingers. Who you gonna call? Nigga, we got a psychotic bitch with a baseball bat and a Chiappa Rhino with purple daisy dukes pulled so far up the crack of her pancake ass that when she smiles it looks like Barney came in her mowf. And nigga, we got the fireworks salesman from Joe Dirt, but now that fool done left the reservation and he got ROPES. Oh, and Will Smith appearing as Will Smith for the 189th movie in a row because Will Smith just does Will Smith. And a crocodile dude. And a dude who slangz boomerangz and shit. And a Mexican gang banger who is actually the living embodiment of some sort of ancient Indian fire demon. Well, actually that last choice made a lot of sense and he was critical to defeating the ancient badasses, but I digress. Oh, and throw in about FIDDY soldiers because we need ARs and body armor and Glocks and shit.

Jeebus Shakespeare Christ what a fucking mess. And Jared Leto? After all that talk about how he channeled the fucking Joker and never came out of character...he pretty much played it as a dozey tweaker who was about as scary as that waif who asks you for money as you walk from the cashier to the gas pump. Complete fail. I was disappointed that he DIDN'T die. Cesar Romero played a better Joker than this manlet bitch.

Stay away...just stay away...keep your ass at the house and stick with Netflix and pussy getting...you're warned.

[DrDonkeyLove]

I had less than zero desire to watch this movie until seeing this review.

I don't have a clue what this means but it sounds awesome.

...a Chiappa Rhino with purple daisy dukes pulled so far up the crack of her pancake ass that when she smiles it looks like Barney came in her mow.

[Shafpocalypse Now]

Great review

[Protobuilder]

I actually heard it was terrible but this makes me want to see it.

[Kazuya Mishima]

You just think you want to see this movie...you don't...you must resist.

[WildGorillaMan]

I'll take "Reviews that are better than the movie" for $400, Alex.

[nafod]

And so yet but still, it's no Jupiter Ascending

[Kazuya Mishima]

Look at this slack jawed peter puffer.



This is everything that's wrong with America. Goddamned vegan lifestyle living, Obama voting, gay marriage supporting, producing and playing music that even Jared Leto fans have never listened to, New Age crystal rubbing, edgy Hollywood wannabe coon ass faggot. Plain and simple. I wanna slap this hippie harder than a black kid who got grape soda on his mother's boyfriend's PS4 controller. I wanna shake his ass like a baby who won't stop crying by an au pair wired on Red Bull and mid-term stress. I seriously want to visit an inappropriate and undeserved death on this willowy munchkin...just mount his ass up on a sidewalk and use his ears to bang that frail melon on the pavement until the back of his head looks like a Google search for Eastern European prolapse porn. That, or just beat his ass to death with a piece of #6 rebar on the main stage at Burning Man while my storm troopers round up the Jared Leto fans for their free train ride to "Kazuya Mishima's Andersonville 2016".

[nafod]

Look at this slack jawed peter puffer.



This is everything that's wrong with America. Goddamned vegan lifestyle living, Obama voting, gay marriage supporting, producing and playing music that even Jared Leto fans have never listened to, New Age crystal rubbing, edgy Hollywood wannabe coon ass faggot. Plain and simple. I wanna slap this hippie harder than a black kid who got grape soda on his mother's boyfriend's PS4 controller. I wanna shake his ass like a baby who won't stop crying by an au pair wired on Red Bull and mid-term stress. I seriously want to visit an inappropriate and undeserved death on this willowy munchkin...just mount his ass up on a sidewalk and use his ears to bang that frail melon on the pavement until the back of his head looks like a Google search for Eastern European prolapse porn. That, or just beat his ass to death with a piece of #6 rebar on the main stage at Burning Man while my storm troopers round up the Jared Leto fans for their free train ride to "Kazuya Mishima's Andersonville 2016".

[Bobby]

Look at this slack jawed peter puffer.



This is everything that's wrong with America. Goddamned vegan lifestyle living, Obama voting, gay marriage supporting, producing and playing music that even Jared Leto fans have never listened to, New Age crystal rubbing, edgy Hollywood wannabe coon ass faggot. Plain and simple. I wanna slap this hippie harder than a black kid who got grape soda on his mother's boyfriend's PS4 controller. I wanna shake his ass like a baby who won't stop crying by an au pair wired on Red Bull and mid-term stress. I seriously want to visit an inappropriate and undeserved death on this willowy munchkin...just mount his ass up on a sidewalk and use his ears to bang that frail melon on the pavement until the back of his head looks like a Google search for Eastern European prolapse porn. That, or just beat his ass to death with a piece of #6 rebar on the main stage at Burning Man while my storm troopers round up the Jared Leto fans for their free train ride to "Kazuya Mishima's Andersonville 2016".

Who is that?

[Boris]

Let me lay some wisdom down right here: Most superfriends movies are TERRIBLE.

That said, if you go in with zero expectations (as I do now), some of them are tolerable and a few are actually enjoyable.

[Kazuya Mishima]

Look at this slack jawed peter puffer.



This is everything that's wrong with America. Goddamned vegan lifestyle living, Obama voting, gay marriage supporting, producing and playing music that even Jared Leto fans have never listened to, New Age crystal rubbing, edgy Hollywood wannabe coon ass faggot. Plain and simple. I wanna slap this hippie harder than a black kid who got grape soda on his mother's boyfriend's PS4 controller. I wanna shake his ass like a baby who won't stop crying by an au pair wired on Red Bull and mid-term stress. I seriously want to visit an inappropriate and undeserved death on this willowy munchkin...just mount his ass up on a sidewalk and use his ears to bang that frail melon on the pavement until the back of his head looks like a Google search for Eastern European prolapse porn. That, or just beat his ass to death with a piece of #6 rebar on the main stage at Burning Man while my storm troopers round up the Jared Leto fans for their free train ride to "Kazuya Mishima's Andersonville 2016".

Who is that?

That's Jared Leto, aka what happens when you cross human DNA with a cocker spaniel.

[TerryB]

Imagine a cross between SWAT and Howard the Duck...

I've never seen Howard the Duck.

[Kazuya Mishima]

Imagine a cross between SWAT and Howard the Duck...

I've never seen Howard the Duck.

It's better than Suicide Squad.

[nafod]

Imagine a cross between SWAT and Howard the Duck...

I've never seen Howard the Duck.

It's better than Suicide Squad.

I think you just divided by zero

[beefheart]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0oeY1KMY9U[/youtube]