The Best of Shapecharge

[johno]

.

[baffled]

My favorite routine: eat a bunch of shrooms and smoke a bowl or two. I strip competely naked and go into a room totally devoid of any light and begin a basic TRX workout of body rows, dips, pullups, and lunges in complete darkness. On an irregular basis I have my wife poke her arm in the room with a .38 loaded with blanks and fire off several rounds. You will have several WTH effects over time. To mix it up a bit I will occasionally borrow a friends pitbull that's not real fond of me and I'll smack him around a bit and toss him in the room with me.

[Trebuchet]

Stop it ya bastards , I just spilled my red over that variety w/o c/w pitbull
The thing is , Shape could write like this all day...but doesn't. True genius!
Long live Shape & all that camp with him!

[Takafumi]

On "plyometrics training"

Hey man you wanna do some fuckin' jumpin'? How 'bout this shit. Xmas is already over but maybe wait till the next big time celebration where the house is filled with people and food and stuff is spread all over the table. Go dress out in your powder blue velour track suit, put on that headband cuz you don't want your vision to be jacked up from sweat mixed with Axe body spray the run into the dining room when grandma is loading up her plate and holla, "check my vert motherbitches" then just fucking leap up on the table. Try not to get your vintage K-Swiss sneaks in any dip...how fucking awesome would that be? I ask you if you can leap up on a table covered with food, shit bro, what can't you leap up on?

[Sassenach]

On seahill missing the dinosaurs on top of Roraima:

Timmah, if I may explain what Mak is saying...while at the top of this most awesome geologic feature you were engaged in various homosexual acts with your guides and other travel companions and were unable to observe the numerous dinosaurs that roam freely in this area. Obviously while being front and rear loaded and jacking off two other dudes all at the same time you were completely immersed in the experience and totally missed the herd of brontosaurus grazing nearby.

[baffled]

Hey you wanna add something extra to your stretchband workout? Do you dig classic rock and roll? Does a fuckin' bear shit in the woods? Hellz yes! is right mofos! Then look no further my disfunctional brothers and sisters the Van Halen "Jump" stretchband workout is here! For 49.95 you get a presonalized set of 4 stretchbands autographed by none other than Mr. David Lee Roth himself an instruction booklet and a dvd of Van Halen performing their classic hit "Jump" continuously for 60 full minutes. You wanna get your stretch on and hit those areas that just continually bind you up? Then don't be a pussy...pull those fingers out of your ass and order up the Van Halen "Jump" stretchband workout. Just read these testimonials:

"I'm able to suck my own cock now that I'm so flexible."--Matt Furey

"I can finally do the splits while eating a sandwich!"--Steve Shafley

"Well, I'm sure I would have loved the workout but it all got stolen from my apartment."--Stephen Troy

"These bands last longer than others. My female lubrication tends to destroy things."--Jezzie

"The only thing stretchier is my scrotum."--Andy

[johno]

From IG Products Review:

Cottonelle Toilet Tissue
Believe me I've tried a lot of different tissues over the years. I've also used leaves, a sock, my own underwear, the Hawaii/Alaska combo map page from the road atlas since I probably wasn't going to be driving there, a cottontail, somebody's towel, a chick's pillowcase that I put back on the pillow and turned upsidedown, and I think a poor little kitten when I was pretty drunk one time. But I ain't even bullshittin' when I tell you this fuckin' Cottonelle is the best thing out there for serious asswipin'. Explosive diarrhea? Cottonelle laughs at this. Extreme choco-fudgy duece? Cottonelle is yawning at this. And even though Cottonelle is one-ply there's no worry of breakthrough because of it's special weave that makes it stronger than most two-ply products!! So some of you may be sayin', "yo Shape, I ain't all into shit-paper science and shit...what the fuck does two-ply even mean?" Relax my low-T brothers...just know that Cottonelle is at the foward edge of the battle area in insuring you have a clean asshole. I have it on good authority that SEAL Team 6 uses Cottonelle...isn't that endorsment enough?

http://www.cottonelle.com/product_cottonelle.aspx

[Andy77]

From IG Products Review:

Cottonelle Toilet Tissue
Believe me I've tried a lot of different tissues over the years. I've also used leaves, a sock, my own underwear, the Hawaii/Alaska combo map page from the road atlas since I probably wasn't going to be driving there, a cottontail, somebody's towel, a chick's pillowcase that I put back on the pillow and turned upsidedown, and I think a poor little kitten when I was pretty drunk one time. But I ain't even bullshittin' when I tell you this fuckin' Cottonelle is the best thing out there for serious asswipin'. Explosive diarrhea? Cottonelle laughs at this. Extreme choco-fudgy duece? Cottonelle is yawning at this. And even though Cottonelle is one-ply there's no worry of breakthrough because of it's special weave that makes it stronger than most two-ply products!! So some of you may be sayin', "yo Shape, I ain't all into shit-paper science and shit...what the fuck does two-ply even mean?" Relax my low-T brothers...just know that Cottonelle is at the foward edge of the battle area in insuring you have a clean asshole. I have it on good authority that SEAL Team 6 uses Cottonelle...isn't that endorsment enough?

http://www.cottonelle.com/product_cottonelle.aspx

Jezsus H. Christ!! This one I'll commit to memory!! Worthy of use in my stand up routine at my next gig. Thanks Shape and thanks Johno for posting here or I never would have seen it!

[baffled]

Beer Jew's call for a Shaf book:

Who's that large fluffy dude
that's a sex machine to all the
hairy bear chasers out there?
SHAF!
Damn right!!

Who's the man that won't write a
training manual for his brother man?
SHAF!
Can you dig it?!

Who's the cat that won't bail out
when there's homo gay shit all about?
SHAF!
Right on!

They say this cat Shaf is built
like his mother...
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
I'm talkin' 'bout Shaf.
THEN WE CAN DIG IT!!

He's a complicated man
but no one understands him but
his bear groupies.
SHAF!

[Beer Jew]

Bump cos I need a laugh and this is some funny funny shit.

[Fuzzy Dunlop]

Fuckin' A sharks rule! Imagine if they could stay outta water for a little bit and maybe even sing. How cool would it be if Guns N' Roses got back together and a 20 foot great white shark is standing there wailing, WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE, WE'VE GOT FUN AND GAMES...and Slash is fucking gettin' after it on that guitar. And then every once in awhile the shark just reaches down and chomps on a few people who weren't paying attention. Fuck I'd go to that concert in a heartbeat.

[Turdacious]

Well then Mickster if you like her and I like her then by the powers invested in me by the state of Texas prepare yourself for man-love. I'll be gentle.

[Turdacious]

Nothing screams "here I am ladies, come get some of this" better than these shoes and maybe some kangaroo scented AXE body spray.

[johno]

There's only one man in the "known" universe that is allowed at will to take his shirt off whenever he wants particularly for photo ops and when some serious shit is about to go down and that person is the Golden Lawyer God with the Adamantium Abs known as Bill (he'sa)Fox. Everyone else no matter how huooge or ripped is a douche. As it is written...so it shall be.

You all do realize if you get into trouble no matter how bad...say you were driving drunk and blasted into a bus filled with blind retarded kids killing them all plus you had a kilo of meth on you...all you have to do is hire Bill and he shows up in a tight shirt, tailored Versace jacket, designer jeans and flip-flops, flashes that million dollar smile, gets into a badass warrior pose, points at the judge and says "booyah baby" and your ass is free. "Case dis-fucking-missed." I ain't even bullshitin' about this shit.

[Turdacious]

ANTHONY WHEN I WAS REAL LITTLE I THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY MOMMY. JESUS WAS ALWAYS CALLING HER TO HEAVEN BUT MY DADDY WOULD STOP HER FROM GOING. I KNOW THIS CAUSE I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES ONE TIME. ONE NIGHT I WOKE UP AND HEARD MY MOMMY HOLLERING REAL LOUD, "OH MY GOD I'M COMING, I'M COMING!" I RAN TO THEIR BEDROOM AND SAW MY DADDY LAYING ON TOP OF MY MOMMY TO KEEP HER FROM RISING TO HEAVEN. HER FEET WERE IN THE AIR. THEY WERE STARTLED TO SEE ME STANDING THERE AND I WAS SO SCARED THAT MY MOMMY WAS GOING TO GO TO HEAVEN THAT I JUMPED ON TOP OF MY DADDY TO HELP HOLD HER DOWN. IT MADE ME FEEL REAL FUNNY CAUSE THEY DID NOT HAVE ANY CLOTHES ON BUT I WAS IN MY JAMMIES. DO YOU THINK IT IS OKAY TO STOP SOMEONE FROM GOING TO HEAVEN THIS WAY IF YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO GO?

BECAUZ CRUSADR INSPIRES GRAETNESS!

[johno]

It's a sad day my high estrogen brothers. After nearly two years of almost daily use my Nutribullet is on it's last legs. Little ball bearings were found rolling around in the base and I think it's only a matter of days before...(sniff, sob!) it is gone. With that being said I am considering...the Vitamix. CostCo has it on sale. I don't need a food processor thingy so I'm torn. No really I'm torn...I fell down on some shit and ripped open my scrotum but I'm also confused on my super-mega-blender options. I do like what Nappy said about whipping up two or three days worth of blended juice nirvanna. I wonder if I'll lose all the super powers I've gained in the last two years? That would really suck.

[Turdacious]

I think they may be vacationing together somewhere sunny making love to each other on a beach and drinking Carona Lite's just like in the commercials. I hope they're happy together. I get the vibe though that they're both full on power bottoms so I don't know how that all works out.

[Turdacious]

Sadly I'm being shit upon by two high-estrogen tranny's with c-cup man-titties. Heavy sigh.

[Turdacious]

Maybe so but you haven't seen my sexy damn feet. When I'm wearing flip-flops through the mall panties are dropping to the floor to the left and right of me. This is somewhat cool but occasionally a 75+ granny is nearby wearing Depends and it really takes the edge off my good-times buzz.

[Turdacious]

This just the most gut wrenching, star-crossed thread of all time. It's like watching a tv series where the two main characters are totally into each other and you know they're gonna hook up but things keep getting in the way. I thought you two would have at least kissed by now. Dang it. I detect a little pissy-ness in the Beer Jew's response.

[Turdacious]

If you seriously need a good tablet and you don't mind spending a little extra cash because it's a quality product, my money is on the Big Chief Tablet. It's never let me down broheim. Need to work on your multiplication? Bam! 3 x 4 = 12 all fucking day on the Big Chief. Practicing your cursive? Snap! Get fuckin' on it!! Quick love note to Sally to see if she'll set next to you at lunch? Ka-Boom!! Write that shit down, tear it out, fold it up and pass it down!! Chillin' for a bit then have the urge to make a paper airplane? Crack!! Rip that shit out and start folding mofo!! You're looking at 48 perfectly formed wide-lined blemish free sheets for 5 bucks. I don't know what fucking tablets these other no-pussy gettin' taint sniffers are talking about but the Big Chief will always be there for you. Here's a link:

[Turdacious]

Benji give me your cell # and I'll send you a video of me rubbing one out. Just fyi, I'm one of the older dudes on here and my sac is getting to that droopy stage despite me wearing tighty-whities practically my whole life. One other thing, my balloon knot has mysteriously loosened up as well and sometimes despite my best efforts on paper work I've got a strip of bacon or two in there. Man, getting old just sucks. Other than that, it will be a super great video.

[Turdacious]

Because timeless wisdom.

Sarcoma don't be fucking this up again with your shit.

[Turdacious]

See! This is the sorry ass shit I'm talking about. That's it. I'm fucking hijacking every goddamn thread on the internets, starting with this place filled with tiny-dicked retards...wait, except for me I mean.

[Turdacious]

Stephen you don't have to use the pipe cleaner.