IGX

My wife and mother of my 2 adult children who I can never talk to or see again wants me dead, broke, raped in prison or worse. My situation gets uglier and uglier by the hour. It's a miracle I'm alive. This is my reality. Do any of you have a training program that could help me. Divine Intervention is sorely needed. I'm not holding my breath. I'm trying to make a joke but I will probably vomit my guts out and it's almost 2AM here. I'm not leaving. As Jim Morrison said, "No one here gets out alive." I need a good attorney to get a restraining order against my family. This is not a joke.
As Boddhi tells Johny Utah This may sting a bit but it's for your own growth brah.

It could always get worse and probably will. I think my family should hire a hit man to kill me but they probably don't want to spend the money.


Van Morrison has a song called Let the slave. Here are some lyrics by Blake
What is the price of experience? Do men buy it for a song?
Or wisdom for a dance in the street? No, it is bought with the price
Of all that a man hath, his house, his wife, his children
Wisdom is sold in the desolate market where none come to buyAnd in the wither'd field where the farmer plows for bread in vainI didn't understand a thing when I first heard it in 1986 or so. Every year I understand more and more why that is.

I could go on with jokes but I think I should start vomiting my guts out already. I couldn't believe what my wife was trying to do to me.
She wasn't a very good liar as my psychiatrist confirmed. She forgot I once worked in business and actually act as an adult.
I think I'm back in the world of business which I left because I hated to see everyone as a dollar sign
How much were they trying to take me for and could I trust them
A therapist once told me betrayal was ubiquitous and I thought he was crazy. Do any of you have a hot line to the next world so
I can tell him he was right and I was wrong.
Idiot lenny seems to have advanced from kindergarten to a Master's Degree in business in the last 2 days.
Hope you enjoy the weekend. I suppose I will survive.

I don't know if any of this is relevant to your situation but for some reason this comes to mind. You may not have time or energy for it as it's a long podcast but James Sexton, a divorce lawyer, speaks about his experience seeing it from different sides.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUEjCXpOjPY

That must be really hard to deal with a wife like that. I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through those challenges with her, you shouldn’t have had to.

A vindictive ex is a special kind of horror. A split on good terms can be difficult enough let alone feeling the wrath of someone you trusted and loved. You feel the sadness of losing what you had but then anger at having felt anything at all for someone undeserving.

The ubiquitous comment is interesting - did you take it to mean that betrayal is everywhere with everyone?

If your mind is spinning and the adrenaline is coursing through you, just workout hard. Maybe not too heavy on deadlifts because that can flip the CNS in a way that seeps into your mental state.

Luke
I don't believe betrayal is everywhere with everyone but if you ask me if I had been a German in World War II would I have shielded a Jew knowing I and my family could be horribly murdered, the answer is I don't know. That doesn't even take into account the time length. Is it one night, one week, one year or for years. I hope if it were me alone I would but am not sure. If it were me and my wife, and we both agreed then it would be OK. As for children it all depends. What age is a huge factor. Is it fair to subject a baby, a toddler, all the way to high school to horrible cruelty? They didn't ask to be born. I probably would say no but all this is theoretical.

I have decided that after reading Stuart McGill again on T-nation for about the 6th time
https://www.t-nation.com/training/an-in ... ll-part-1/
that it's not worth the risk. Exactly why am I doing any exercise if the goal is for general health, surfing and skateboarding (which feel are too dangerous right now) and krav maga. I feel a hip hinge is worth doing per Dan John. I have a long thin body and probably ovoid discs. I wonder how much damage I've done to myself after reading his article. I will probably continue with kettlebell swings and something else but I'm not sure what right now.

I wrote my wife the following this morning.

Please don't visit or call for the time being.I changed my door locks & have all the keys.  This marriage feels like it must be over even tho I still love you very much. I believe it is unwise to drive the car because you may have cut off my insurance. If you want I can rent it on a kilometer basis for now  I took out a lot of cash because I felt you were going to cut me off from the credit cards. I know you want me in a mental hospital and would have been willing to go at some point if I couldn't stabilize myself but Dr R, my psychiatrist whose care I am under contradicted what you told me about there only being Russian doctors who would not forcibly medicate me. I am inside this apartment almost all the time and am OK.

I feel something is very wrong between us. Maybe it's all my fault. I need time to emotionally stabilize myself. You deserved a much much better husband and father to our adult children than I could ever hope to be. I wouldn't have married you if I had known the suffering I'd inflict on you and our daughter and son. We don't get to redo our lives but can only  start from now.
That's the best I can say. I pray for all of you who I love dearly but don't expect any further contact from.
I really wish it was different and I do hope it somehow will be. I need time and don't know how much. It's not fair to you and I am trying but not succeeding in the least to improve our relationship which means a lot to me after 37 years. 

If you want, please write me an honest assessment of what you believe and feel is happening. I believe you are under enormous stress and feel very disrespected by me.  I don't mean to be that way but that must be what is occurring. I am sincerely attempting to improve our communication and am a dismal failure. I have to take responsibility but don't feel I am 100 percent to blame. You may feel I am a threat to others and myself and have had enough of me. I don't blame you. I am in control of my rage even under very severe personal provocation when someone threatened me physically and even threw apples on my car. I thought I defused the situation when i went inside the stereo repair shop and the owner dealt with this person.  As I drove out I thought bullets were being fired at the car roof. The owner confirmed it was the guy who was going to attack me. I don't want this to occur again and expect to find out from when this guy will not be present. I got through an extremely difficult situation. This is a person who is a menace to society and should be in a hospital and not me. There's a lot more I could tell but that's enough. 


This is for you guys. Do I really feel this way. I am going to an extreme length to give my wife the benefit of the doubt. I know I am in a very manic state in a country under horrible threat to its survival. I know what is going on to some extent and can't believe we are being so fucking stupid as to possibly sacrifice the lives of young soldiers including my wonderful krav maga teacher when we don't have to. If it were up to me I would kill the prime minister and the top generals who are doing such a wonderful job. Bring in the air force which is supposedly the 4th most powerful in the world and let them do the job. One of the top Hamas leaders admitted that if you leave one of us alive it will just start over like cancer. How can this group of Jews who have been so persecuted with impunity for so long be so fuckin callous and dumb. We gain nothing by acting this way. Jews are a traumatized sick bunch. Acting this way just emboldens our enemies. I feel so enraged I'd like to kill someone at times and despite a person who should have been locked in a hospital I defused the situation. I didn't tell my wife I had to walk back to talk to the owner and deliberately waited quite a while hoping this maniac might have gone somewhere but still might be a menace. I had to walk so close to the side of the building I couldn't be seen by him and the asphalt is filled with potholes. The lighting was poor and I didn't want to slip and break something. I really wanted to kill that motherfucker but didn't.

Truthfully I shouldn't have gone. I waited too late to go and knew I'd return at night. I haven't driven in night in years and have special glasses for night driving which i never wear which thankfully were OK. I also drank a ton of coffee and some Coca Cola and some energy bars and had some yogurts and cottage cheese which i ate later because I almost never drink coffee, or Coca Cola or energy bars with the exception of workouts and knew I'd be too energized. Right now I can't think of what neurological term to use.

I also have a lot of CDs which can change my mood instantly. Rock and roll music was my psychiatric medicine as a kid. I don't believe I'd have survived high school without the Beatles, the Doors, Jefferson Airplane, Rolling Stones, Motown (the Four Tops, the Supremes, the Temptations etc.) There are so many other bands I could mention that were able thankfully to change my mood in a second starting from about 1956. As a child I felt no love from my parents, but liked learning in elementary school. I hated junior high and high school and was much smarter than my teachers which wasn't saying much, hated the mandatory classes which were basically boring with five tests a week, a ton of boring homework for the most part. I desperately wanted a girl friend but was a social misfit and never had one. My high school of 3,000 grades 10-12 was so large that if I walked one way to class I saw people I had never seen and another way to the same class never saw them again. I didn't realize this was a very large school. I didn't know who the star football player was.
I could say a lot more. I don't know if I said this here but there are some basic questions that every student should learn at some point.

Why should I believe you and how do you know what you know. What is your background in this subject. Are you really competent to teach? My math teachers at Columbia were dreadful. I hated Manhattan and transferred to the University of Wisconsin at Madison and had 2 excellent math teachers.
I now know that Ivy league colleges then had a reputation based on departments for grad students. Undergrad education could be terrible.

These questions should be addressed on the intellectual level of the student which might be very different even at the same age.

The following needs to be addressed at some point so people might actually remain curious and be able to think critically and not just regurgitate what is being thrown at them.

how do I analyze what is being taught
what assumptions are you using - there must be some because we can't know everything for sure-
what facts are you pushing to fit those assumptions.
What are the ones you are deliberately leaving out. This is only the beginning. There should be a lot of examples from fields ranging from science to advertising to the media etc.
This is becoming very complicated but I feel my so called education including Columbia was basically preparing me for an American workforce and not to think of what was going on for example a constant war machine of corporations with a financial incentive building weapons for the military and congress members being basically bribed by those corporations to support new wars that were unnecessary. I could go on and on but I think is enough to show something useful.

in the meantime my wife wrote this was all in my head and she had done nothing wrong and had not cut off my insurance. She didn't address her assertion of what would occur to me in a mental hospital which my psychiatrist said was completely wrong. is she deliberately not addressing it. I don't know but I think she's too smart not to address it but if i do she will accuse me of something and we will be at war again so i wrote the following to appease her. it's not costing me anything at this point if we don't talk or see each other

I trust that you are correct This is all in my head and I need time to change my thinking. I apologize for the way i have acted and suffering i have caused you

This is for you guys. I am going so far out of my way you wouldn't believe it. I had to edit this short statement several times because the last phone call i told her i was wrong and she was right numerous times and she kept repeating i was wrong and she was right.

I don't know what to think and don't want to think about it right now. why should i cause myself more stress

i sent this to a friend in Greece from the Columbia dorm i've known for 56 years

please i hate to burden you but when you get a chance please read an email i sent you of whatsapp text messages to my wife i ma going out of my mind. i can't help but she is trying to deliberately provoke me and bend me to her will and that this marriage is over i went so far to appease her so many times giving her the benefit of the doubt it's too much man. i'd be better off shooting myself in the head than dealing with this shit. i know she is continuing to write. i don't know who to turn to. it's not fair to you because of your own suffering and i feel like i'm becoming a burden so if you can't deal with just don't thanks for being a real friend all these 56 years it means a lot it really does. God bless you

i wrote later I know i can deal with this because i have no choice.
for you guys
i didn't sleep last night. i don't know when i last ate. i even talked to a neighbor i never talk to because i am sure my phone isn't working but it is. i probably drove him nuts. at least you guys don't know me.

YOU OWE ME NOTHING. I MEAN IT. PLEASE DON'T FEEL YOU HAVE TO RESPOND IF YOU ARE IN STRESS BELIEVE ME I AM NOT HERE TO CAUSE STRESS IN A WORLD OF WAY TOO MUCH STRESS. DOES THIS SOUND LIKE I NEED HELP. I DO AND I BETTER PROVIDE IT MYSELF

I WITHDREW SO MUCH MONEY MY WIFE WILL GO CRAZY WHEN SHE DISCOVERS IT.

IF I THOUGHT A MENTAL HOSPITAL WOULD HELP I'D GO BUT I KNOW IT WON'T. NOT IN THIS COUNTRY IN HEBREW WHEN THE STAFF IS PROBABLY GOING CRAZY WITHOUT MISSILE STRIKES. AT LEAST I CAN LAUGH AT THE ABSURDITY

I BETTER PLAY SOME MUSIC LIKE HENDRIX TO GET MYSELF INTO A DIFFERENT STATE OF CONSCIOUSNESS

I hear Stone Free by Hendrix on a CD but can't find it on youtube and there are a lot of versions including this which i have never encountered
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LD7HCpl ... GazelyGaze



a few words i hear really describe my situation but i'm in shock this came up

Lenny, I'm not a doctor and not an expert but you seem to be in a for real manic phase which means you can't entirely trust your own thinking right now. For sure when someone is in the state of mind you're in, taking any stimulants isn't good for you so I think you should stop with the caffeine and sugar intake.. Try to do nothing that can worsen your situation until your mind settles down some.

I 100% agree with motherjuggs&speed.

I met a woman a few years back, dressed all in purple, named Jane Purple (obviously not her real name). She was a tarot reader and ballot signature collector. She told me, “Mercury’s in retrograde soon. That means people are gonna do all sorts of crazy things. So when it happens, I’ll just sit around the pool for a few weeks until it passes.”

Things are highly-stressful in your life right now, I hope you can metaphorically “sit around the pool” until they aren’t.

My wife has deliberately parked near my building until she reluctantly gave up as the sun went down so she can drive in the dark with crazed Israeli drivers and get sick in order to provoke me into trying to kill her. I didn't leave this apartment because I knew she would do that But she's not so stupid to keep waiting for a missile alarm attack knowing I won't give her shelter and she might die so she eventually left.

i know this marriage is over. I may have to get a restraining order. No matter what crazy things I did and they were numerous and completely stupid today after being up probably 60 hours and being very sick to the point of shaking and nausea repeatedly were all to demonstrate that I can do what my rational mind says is impossible in order to prove that I don't have to be with the woman I desperately want I call Whack Job. she is a crazed multiple personality on so many levels that I absolutely know is impossible to be with in my rational mind . Whatever I say that will seem completely impossible and crazy I have to be with her knowing there's no rational way to have a loving respectful relationship but so what I hope that my wife shoots me in the head first and she won't go that far not yet anyhow. it would be cheaper to hire a hit man

i am extremely manic and must calm down. my wife has probably made herself too sick to do this same thing tomorrow which she has promised to do
it's ok because it has to be it only makes it worse to complain which i try not to do

like boddhi says in Pt. Break 1991 to Johnny Utah It's for your own growth brah. it really is for me

thank you so much for being so. supportive i really appreciate it.
you guys may have written numerous emails that i didn't read and don't have time to now. that's really the way it is

motherjuggs&speed wrote: ↑Sat Nov 18, 2023 9:55 am Lenny, I'm not a doctor and not an expert but you seem to be in a for real manic phase which means you can't entirely trust your own thinking right now. For sure when someone is in the state of mind you're in, taking any stimulants isn't good for you so I think you should stop with the caffeine and sugar intake.. Try to do nothing that can worsen your situation until your mind settles down some.

I think MJ&S is on point, but more restrained than I will be.

I too am not a medical professional, but I do have a bipolar nephew who has had a couple of full-blown manic episodes where he became a threat to himself and others. In these episodes, he had significant psychosis and all sorts of fantastical mental interpretations and cosmic connections that made him act irrationally, and he became a danger to property and persons.

Some of what you describe with multiple personalities, getting shot at, perhaps some paranoia, etc. sounds descriptive of someone who is in, or is headed into, a full-blown manic/psychotic episode.

I implore you to get a full-on psych evaluation asap. Go to an emergency room or psych ward (not sure how it works in Israel, in my part of the USA it usually starts with a hospital emergency room) and spend the whole day and night waiting there for an eval if need be. Whatever it takes! Tell them you feel manic and psychotic, you cannot trust your sense of reality, and can not guarantee your own safety. Even if you don't believe those things, oversell your plight rather than undersell it.

Your goal should be to get placed for a week in a psych ward where they can medicate you and monitor you. You might need lithium, antipsychotics, or both. I'm of course speculating here on meds, but the point is I'm really concerned for your state of mind, courses of action, and well-being -- and I really want you to get advanced medical treatment as soon as possible.

You are a very intelligent, learned and interesting person, but you're in a very dangerous place in the world where clarity of mind is paramount for the well-being of yourself and others. I assure you, your family and friends will be relieved to know you're going to a safe place to get the attention and care that would serve you best right now.

With love and positive vibes,
Thud

Thud
What you don't know is my history. I'm coming out of some kind complete delusionality but i have myself doing things with a dumbbell goblet squat that the weight is nothin by your standards but i keep telling you that you can't even begin to imagine what's coming as you age and here's what i think of attia. he is such a fraud. karl marx said capitalists will sell you the rope they'll lose to hang you. I think when i hear that as a clueless 16 year old who now realizes he is to have been such a freak that i will work my ass in high school not getting even a crumb of some chick. nobody wants me. all i want to do is get out of this fuckin brainwash factory called high school. it's so blatantly obvious to me at a such young age that we humans are so fuckin stupid and you guys will think I am wrong about things a lot of the time and have been lucky.

none of you will believe what i say. probably you think is idiot lenny bullshitting us. i was wrong about Attia who is a complete fraud who i hope the covid vaccine injuries will kill him in a horrible way because he should be honest enough to tell people who he vaccinated with the jab because he didn't know he was being lied to by the pharmaceutical liars who keep getting sued and pay billions but make more and more money and keep playing the same stupid game to a brainwashed public that gets fucked over again and again.

Bram please PM me a phone number i can reach you at and a convenient time it's ten hours later here so if you say noon when it's 10 PM here i might be asleep so make it as early as feasibly possible so if you think 8AM is good for you i probably will be up ten hours later but maybe not.

You talk to me and hear my tone of voice and you tell the rest of the guys whether or not you think i'm lying. i keep saying over and over i'm 74 and i don't have much time i have to live. but you don't know what age i am but i try to inform you because i learned a lot of stuff the hard way and was really lucky not to get fucked up doing stupid shit like listen to Rippetoe and try his program which doesn't work for many people and he says they're pussies when he is a dumb motherfucker who oughta listen to Dan John.

do i really think i will die before i send this off in a minute or a second. No not with Hamas's dumb rockets. but this fuckin bunch in Israel is just too fuckin stupid and brainwashed and afraid of what the rest of the world will think that would do what we should obviously is at least bomb the shit out of Beirut for a while so we don't have to nuke Hezbolla that we stupidly allow to get 130,000 smart rockets that could come probably within 10 yards of their intended target and i live so close to the center of this country that i might die in a second but not now.

Bram do yourself a favor. I will be entertaining at least. I would talk to you because you seem like a really nice guy to care about somebody so far away as Israel that you try and help when you could be out trying to get laid. I'm too old for that shit. I won't even look at a pretty 15 year old girl who has too many guys her age who want one thing and you all know what it is. She doesn't need an old guy like me to look her over. I did that 60 years ago when the girls some of whom were so beautiful and one who was actually a dancer on a rock and roll TV show who was so pretty looks so ugly now that I know it's her because she resembles the young beautiful girl she was and i feel really sorry for the girls of my generation who read those stupid magazine like 17 that i never read because i don't have a sister or a girlfriend who reads you gotta look beautiful - do anything to look beautiful for some guy who wants one thing and probably is too clueless to care about what you need and you are afraid to lose him for a while at least unless you can have anybody for a while but who looks great at 60, 70. at some point you get old if you live long enough. i'm an old freak.

Call me if you want to risk losing a few minutes i'd be happy to talk to you. there are other guys who have been really nice but you have been the most kind and helpful. it means a lot because i have lost so many friends in israel who claimed to be looking for God and they love me and now they don't give a shit for one reason or another and a guy from Athens Greece who i met in 1967 and asked me to give me the key to my dorm room for a friend from Greece from maybe Harvard would like to visit manhattan on Christmas break need s a place to stay. I'll do it why should i refuse. he seems like a nice guy. what can they steal my stereo that i lock up in my closet. i have nothing but a couple books and a typewriter so why shouldn't i do it. but it still seems weird they're all these other guys on the floor he could have asked for their room and it's 56 years later and there were decades i didn't talk to him and he knows i got crazy and he says call me any time. if i'm sleeping the computers are off and if not i will interrupt my day to talk to you anytime and he calls me. i am astounded because anybody my age will talk to me because he has a lot of terrible health problems and a dying son in manhattan that i only find about recently. i am ashamed i take up his time because if i knew what he is suffering i wouldn't do it.

Bram PM your number apparently you have very little to lose. thanks a lot for caring it means a lot.

Thud this is for you.
I am manic but after so much experience going back to 1967 with the psychiatric industry and therapy etc.. I’m not going to a mental hospital. Forget it.


My first freakout story and how the psychiatric profession treats me till I finally realize that it does work sometimes but these guys , all too many play Dr God when they fucked up so many they ought to get a little humility and stop playing Dr God and just be Dr Human who does and will make sometimes dreadful errors that cause terrible suffering. Even the best of the best can fuck up and the poor loser suffers the rest of his/her/their/ze/ these days life(s)

Anyhow in the fall of 1967 I go to Manhattan to Columbia. I absolutely don’t want to be there and know a couple blocks away from the dorm that I will fail this which turns out be an enormous blessing because the guys I think succeeded the most in material terms have suffered the most although maybe not more than me.
My best friend - dead of cancer at age 68 when his parents lived into their late 80s. He had such emotional problems than I never understood until recently. Does cocaine, has too many women, too much alcohol, cigarettes, and just by what now seems like sheer luck doesn’t die from prostate cancer never learns - maybe he really can’t unless he deals with a level of pain that might kill him

Another Chinese American guy who keeps asking too many questions about Gaza and I keep saying pease stop and I write anyhow but finally just send him music occasionally
His cute Chinese American wife dies after refusing her 39th chemotherapy treatment
I call him after not talking to him for maybe 8 years and he sounds completely broken. It was maybe 30th treatment. I was too shocked to even ask. I say I never grew up. He says I’m glad you didn’t. I think he’s nuts but in my case I hated the straight world where the more you want in materialism and money leads to wanting more and more and getting less and less.

I could write more stories but I’m so sick

Manhattan is so fuckin weird I don’t want to be there. I hate all the crowded streets etc. the campus is about 10 city blocks. At least the guys on my floor some of them are such nice guys including Yiorgos my age who actually calls me when he sounds so broken and has so many health problems has to go to Manhattan to visit his dying son. I luck out that my daughter only looked like she was
Dying for maybe 5 months and maybe gets another cancer and who knows what else and maybe gets destroyed in this dumb fuckin game that my wife plays. I would have just given her our car this morning but finally decided change keys and she won’t be able to get in. I’d rather kill myself than destroy my daughter but maybe my idiot wife who is willing to risk dying trying to get me to open the door for the special sealed room is too fuckin smart to be so fuckin dumb. I finally read a WhatsApp she wrote from yesterday
I didn’t read

I love you so much I feel so sick you won’t let me in. She doesn’t know how lucky she is cause I get a restraining order against her and my son. How it could be

Columbia. No mandatory classes, no homework (almost) terrible teachers (I already got a year of college credit for calculus and one semester for chemistry) as horrible as my ‘teachers’ are in those subjects in classrooms of hundreds (they weren’t teaching but writing stuff on the blackboard). My horrible teachers at high school of maybe 25 students were better than those rotten bastards who the fuckin administration hired to save money because Columbia like Harvard, Yale etc gives you such a wonderful education. Bullshit. Maybe for a job but don’t prepare you at all for what life could throw you

To make a long story short and it goes on. I got too much freedom
I am a rubber band stretched to the limit in high school and get kicked out of 2 classes and want out of the fuckin hi school but there’s no place to go. Even san francisco as groovy maybe as it was supposed to be in late 65-maybe July 67 I never hear of as a place to flee.

Long story shorter. Every fuckin thing in new york is just too much
No TV. Yeah one in the lounge but I’d rather talk to guys so I miss the world series that I thought I needed so badly. I don’t miss it.
I learn from the guys staying up all night talking. Than I ever would have from class but by the next year when I drop out of school I go to sleep at a normal time.

I don’t know that any car can go turn right on red. A cab driver tries to run me over while I have a green in the cross walk. Every fuckin thing I’ll say will be nuthin to you guys cause you didn’t live thru it.

The music is changing drastically. Now there’s Hendrix, Country Joe and the Fish, Janis Joplin. I could go on and on but there’s YouTube. Crowded subways. I have to either eat in restaurants with the guys from the dorm which I do sometimes and almost never did. Or wait in some line to buy takeout food. Or eat the shit in the cafeteria which I do maybe once.

Etc etc. etc. it’s all so fuckin weird that this godamn place that has some great museums, concerts of all kinds, plays, movies, radio stations etc. I get exposed to stuff that only exists in new york. Some guys learn to love it. I hate it.

I am in a giant culture shock with way too much freedom. I can’t stay up till 5AM. I can sleep to noon but I’m still a wreck and I’m not smoking dope even but drinking alcohol a little bit that gives me headache.

As you know I was a mediocre hi school player. I play tennis at Riverside park over looking whatever river it’s called and on the other side is new jersey with God knows how many oil refineries and I can still remember the smell of that horrible air. I play with a guy. I don’t know who won. I look at the racquet. What is this fuckin thing. Obviously I know what it is. I’ve played for years but I’m so fucked up from no sleep, too much freedom, a place that can’t be in the USA (it is or was that fuckin different from most any place else) has driven me crazy. Did I play for an hour? Or a minute. An hour seems like a minute and a minute like an hour. What’s my name but I don’t know. I’m terrified. I learned I can usually drive in that state because it has always passed. But the first time I don’t know that and there are horror stories that on LSD that I am absolutely terrified of taking until 1974 when I finally relent and take 2 times and the first time I was still terrified forever but that’s who I am or was. I’m learning I’ve protected too many times and maybe I should kill myself but I probably won’t I’m super terrified in the fall of 1967 that I have gone permanently into some kind of super weird permanently where I never be released and don’t know who I am. It was scary. I go to St Lukes hospital maybe a 10 minute walk , talk to the lady at reception who sends me to some floor whatever one it was and it’s the psyche ward. Congratulations you made it to the place that will save you motherfucker.

Really for the next 3 days nutin. No treatment. No talk with any doctor. I know it sounds impossible but why would I fuckin lie about that. It was true. I sleep and sleep and read some fuckin stupid book I can’t finish maybe Valley of the Dolls. Why can’t they have Plato or Aristotle or somebody more intelligent. After 3 days I want to leave.

Dr 30 year old God who had never talked to me is so fuckin dumb he has long sideburns and Beatle boots that went out of fashion a couple years since I aint impressed by your phony hipness says so seriously, “You’re too sick to leave.” I’m glad I wasn’t a smart ass and retort “How the fuck would you know. I feel good you dumb motherfucker Dr Psychiatrist God. I been here 3 fuckin days and now they said you a clown who is just learning this shit and not some real idiot who has been doing this for 30 years (this I just realize as I’m now writing). How as dumb as idiot clueless idiot Lenny is I promise to come back if he gives me a weekend pass and the fuckin genius in his mind is too fuckin dumb to read the obvious clues I aint comin back to you fuckers ever.

Idiot lenny gets the pass and knocks on the door of his best friend who died at 68. We get another guy and go to the record store and I have a great time. What I remember is an album by the Beach Boys called Wild Honey that I don’t buy and hear some on the radio at the time Wild Honey is a hit. That’s not the end of the whole ugly story.

The jerk Dr God calls my parents instead of calling the dorm and threatening me and I maybe would have gone back. My master sadistic etc. mother demands to know 60 something years later
“Why didn’t she get to come?” The truth is I don’t remember what really happened I was so fucked up. How could this idiot mommy who claimed to love me who knew what the truth was pull that shit on me to make me feel guilty and it almost worked but I really didn’t remember. Was she angry or pretending to be angry I don’t know and don’t care. I said you guys won’t believe a word. And I go on and on.

A lotta years later she says that’s the only time I ever saw your dad cry. I didn’t understand why. My father acted so tough and never complained. He says to everybody (I probably wrote this) I wasn’t afraid during the battles of World War II. But in the obituary I read about 2 days ago he admits he was plenty scared. I talked to my wonderful 30 something nephew last night and he said the same thing. He’s sane. I’m nuts. Why did he cry because the dumb motherfucker was taking it on me for what his father did to his mother and what he couldn’t take out on his mother to protect her. He said he felt so bad his mother became a slave to a monster. How could she know. They didn’t even the same language. It happens believe it or not. I know a guy who did the same exact same thing. I don’t know what happened but you never know in life cause one dumb fucker who fucked me over plenty after I helped him a lot who I hope to really burn in the not too distant future (I’m doing stuff that would have made me sick even this morning like making sure I have a car - maybe I should kill myself instead of destroying my daughter but I won’t maybe)

My father must have realized he pushed lenny way too far. I couldn’t believe it when he blew up at me for something and he always did when I felt did and said something like would you act like that when you get the Nobel Prize. I didn’t know who he was talking about. Me? I know I aint that fuckin smart and my Darth Vader wife has told me a lot of times it’s political and it turns out to be true. I think some guy got a Nobel prize in medicine for doing lobotomies on mental patients. I’m not gonna look it up. You guys do . I hope I’m wrong because President Kennedy’s sister Rose had one and it sure didn’t work.

There’s a guy from my hi school, my best friend as a kid but we lost our friendship that would have ended anyhow over the Vietnam War hems have been for when I was against. In junior hi we became competitors to get into those wonderful Ivy League schools - he went to Yale and wouldn’t even hear Hendrix a five minute walk from his dorm. He got such a great education that the lost time I saw him in early 1969, he was sitting in a chair with a cigarette (he never smoked probably to get a little calm or hi. He looked like he’d fly away. I’m not kidding he looked wrecked on something. He takes out a guitar and starts talking about if he only learns enough anatomy of the muscles of the arms and the fingers he could learn to play the fuckin thing. I some years struggle a whole year even to tune a guitar - now you have a tuner so you can do no work. I’m glad I did. As much as it sucked to hear an out of tune guitar for so long I eventually learned to tune it and don’t play now and won’t play classical guitar again which I learned to some extent. I wasn’t that into the music. It was another challenge for idiot lenny who thought he had fucked up quitting Columbia in 1968 which turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Ms Whack Job loved my playing for a couple days while we stayed in an apartment in Manhattan. That of course is another too long of a story that you guys will say couldn’t be true. It is.

Even in 1969 when I had never considered playing guitar the whole idea of learning to play by learning where the muscles are seemed absurd. Now that I actually spent years playing classical and electric guitar and struggled to learn anatomy (not of those muscles at least not yet) this self appointed Nobel Prize winner who either didn’t understand some emails I wrote to explain why Judaism aint Christianity and I don’t want to dig that shit up or start to explain, he either was that fuckin dumb or just pretending to be to get me to write more and more explanations why I who had been studying this for close to 40 years and knew already that there’s no way to translate some Hebrew terms into secular Christian English. You’ll never know and I would say don’t do what I did. Give up about 8 years trying to fit into a system you’ll never fit into of learning ancient texts in the original, praying in ancient Hebrew, being with people who despise you cause they don’t like the fact you want some creativity and they either are so repressed that they are so uptight cause they want it or whatever (I don’t mean to offend anybody but it probably will happen)

I wasn’t on drugs at all. Maybe a week when an ex-friend who called himself a psychedelic relic and he was and he got so burnt and hurt some beautiful women so badly I cry what they went through. One needed a kidney transplant. She was so pretty. She didn’t want that kind of life of 4 kids in 7 years. I only met her when she had her last kid. She lost everything. Her husband kept losing and losing by fucking more and more women while being married. The poor wives aren’t allowed outside lovers. His second wife was the sister I never had. He told me it felt so good to have me in his house. It’s true I stayed up late talking to his wife. I didn’t want to fuck her. There was another one in that place who had been a model and did ads on TV and was super gorgeous. I didn’t want to get too close to her because she fucked around. I wouldn’t fuck the wife of my best friend and psychedelic relic says years later he was jealous of the time I spent with his wife because I wanted to fuck her. He couldn’t believe I didn’t want to. I really didn’t

She died of cancer. Anyhow psychedelic relic that his wife did so much. She saved those 4 kids who were aged about a year old to 8 years old when she married him, cooked his meals, washed the clothes, I can’t believe this happened but what didn’t she do? She didn’t fuck around and he did. And it destroyed their marriage which is another story. She tells me one time some idiot bitch has the nerve to ask, “Do you mind if I sleep with your husband?” What drug are you on you dumb cunt. These people claim to be so fuckin spiritual.


he is such a fascist with no compassion for the poor guys who had to go and he’s so fuckin smart he can stay in school forever and does to stay out of the war and can’t even finish a PhD in philosophy when he gets a letter from the philosophical association that there are no jobs. I’m in utter disbelief when he says he didn’t get a PhD and said he procrastinated and I thought until this second the dumb motherfucker who thought he was smart enough to get a Nobel Prize while he was in high school. Him. Believe me he was a smart guy but he was no genius. My grades were a little better than his which probably still hurt him the dumb fuck when we talked 6 years ago. It was our 50th hi school reunion so I figured what the fuck I’ll call him. I thought he was lying cause some other genius who thinks he’s so fuckin smart (I’m smart you aint and I better not see him again) said my ex-friend had become a card shark in Vegas. I doubt it. He’s smart enough to cheat at black jack but how many hotels are there and how many disguises, black jack tables, workers at said black jack tables etc. It aint infinite.

Lenny, your stories are fascinating and entertaining.

However, I'd feel better knowing you had a plan to deal with what may be mania, psychosis, and paranoid delusions.

You are in too dangerous a place in the world to not have your full mental capabilities.

Again, referencing my nephew (and I'm not trying to draw exact parallels between you two), at the onset of one of his full-blown manic episodes he tried an extended meditation retreat to calm himself. Turns out, he ended up trying to meditate himself out of his body and into a state of death. He admitted himself into psych care after that and some other dangerous incidents.

The point is, that when manic delusions overtake a person, they will overwhelm otherwise useful protocols. One will do sane things delusionally.

In my nephew's case, he feels lithium saved his life. I hope you will find what works for you.

I will say no more so as not to provoke or annoy.

Peace be with you, friend

Thud
thanks so much for your concern. i know so many things to help myself to bring myself into the body. i started taking tranquilizers again. i have to stop with the long emails. here is an example of what i do when i am want to get into the body. i will do it now as i type.

feel the contact of my feet on the floor. i notice there is more pressure on the outer right side of the right foot
i straighten up my chest.
i just took a deep breath and another one.

i stopped typing and put my hands in my lap and my gaze of my eyes which was looking so down to the bottom of this iMac screen which is on a 2 inch book is now on the horizon.

i am obviousl not typing while i do that but type now
and don't look at the keys. i learned to touch type in hi school and don't need to look at the keys

long pause is all this happening or am i going crazy. my head is on the horizon
deep breath.

i am not going to keep typing forever with this process. i am a lot calmer believe me. i know this stuff inside out and have taught it.
i have to remember to use it. thanks so much Thud for reminding me
i appreciate it. maybe i can help you some day. i owe you i really do
i try to help you guys. i learned so much the hard way. i try to spare you with my experience knowing you will still have to learn the hard way

it's over with my wife. i have to get a restraining order against her and my son

i'm better off dead. this situation with her is so ugly. i have never been able to even try to kill myself. i came really close
not long ago. it was a miracle i didn't

i hate this situation with her and the gaza war simultaneously. maybe the gaza war drove my wife crazy. it's over with my wife. i got burnt too badly with women. i always lose. i don't want another one.
just having sex hurts too much without feeling of love for the woman. i'm a freak of sorts. sex without love is painful. i didn't love my college live in girlfriend of four years. i'd cry her name when i came. she thought i loved her. i was crying i wish i did. i'm glad she dumped me. if i could do it again after about 3months of living together she declared she was going to paris. i begged her to stay. i don't beg women. only once which was that time.

if i get another chance. and according to ouspenksi a so called spiritual teacher , another fraud, even those frauds who can really fuck you over and destroy you and it;s mainly to the women they physically fuck in the name of spiritual development (bullshit it's just to get their lust fulfilled) and then
the women have to pick up the pieces since they are now romantically involved with the guru they worshipped as a means to higher consciousness
it's even worse than an affair with a married man. believe me i know what it's like to get burnt really badly in one of these bullshit games that offered higher consciousness, closeness to God, etc.. i was burnt at least 6 times and was about to get burnt again with another version of orthodox version. i see it now as another game. i'm supposed to believe the Jews have an everlasting covenant with God. tell that to the survivors of the Holocaust. to me it's just bullshit. who wants to look at what life can do to you. i wonder will there be an alarm for a missile attack as i write this. i don't believe in God.
face it we don't have infinite neuronal cells, connections of the axons and dendrites, myelin sheaths etc and that's just a small part of the brain.
however complex our body-minds are cause it's all one really and how do you separate the individual from society, gravity all the forces of nature.

according to quantum theory which is just random probability how do we get to fixed laws of nature. who is willing to take a bet that jumping off the empire state building might not bring a giant smash at the bottom? maybe the laws of gravity change. but tell me when recently. quantum theory is supposedly the most correct theory of physics. tell me how do we go from random probability on that level to even the level of what looks to be so far fixed chemical reactions. how many scientists even think or wonder about this? i do once in a while. our brains maybe will figure it out. there are physicists who think they can know it all. i think they're egomaniacs and should get a sense of humility. like Jim Morrison of the Doors sang
No one here get out alive.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0tH9YD ... oors-Topic


they were the only group i didn't hear in concert. believe me i was so lucky to have experienced who i did. the Grateful Dead in one of the most mind blowing concerts. 1500 of us up on the benches at the bandstand in central park in manhattan on may 5,1968 dancing our hearts out. i had never taken any drugs. it was a total surprise i had heard them two days earlier at Columbia. they sucked. their only record was mediocre at best. some friends from the dorm said you want to go to hear the Jefferson airplane and Paul butterfield and the Dead for free. what did i have to lose. we had already closed down the campus with a strike. school was over. why not. there were maybe 8-10,000 people in the audience smoking dope yet and the cops who had beat the shit out of so many of us did nothing. (Columbia students were walking around with head bandages on) why should the cops risk a riot. With 10,000 in the audience. the first two groups didn't impress me. maybe 1500 were left by the time the Dead came on. my friends stayed so i did .

The first few numbers were the same boring shit I had heard or variations. all of a sudden guitarist Jerry Garcia starts playing something that sounds like something from Donovan Leitch. you guys probably never heard of him. he was a scottish folk singer with some radio hits. but Jerry is going crazy on the guitar. it blew my mind i felt ecstacy and freedom which i never knew existed. how was i supposed to forget. i tried. it was buried for so many years but it always comes back sooner or later what i thought was 45 minutes i now realize was maybe 8. i tried for probably 30 years on and off to get a recording. maybe somebody in the audience taped it and it's in a garage some place. the band apparently didn't. here is the closest to the energy of that day i ever found. it may sound like shit to you guys but if i really listen it is so fantastic.
is.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jEaqDF ... idinurmind
i think until 3:15 it sounds like shit but is incredible after because it has the same energy of us dancing on the benches. we thought it would last forever. you're not young forever. like my mother said if you live long enough you get old. i'm old but my spirit doesn't feel old a lot of times but i feel like i'm about 50 zillion and laugh
a survival mechanism from childhood to get me out of cognitive dissonance. this can't be happening but it is.


there are more CDs, movies, youtube vids of those days than i could have believed would ever exist. nothing is like being there. at least i heard Hendrix 3 times. i wrote that about 20 times. i listen to him a lot. there were years i didn't and he meant nothing. he means a lot now. he gave so much
i didn't realize things end. Jimi died in 1970 at the age of 28. a coroner who looked at the autopsy report said he had the body of a 50 year old. he did a lot of damage with drugs , cigarettes, alcohol, women horrible management and us kids who took so much from him. he didn't want to play the same old songs but felt he had to. i thought he should play with miles davis the great jazz trumpeter who he was supposed to. it didn't happen.

we sucked the life out of Jimi. like George Harrison once said we gave our nervous systems to everybody. the beatles got the fame and the money but boy is there a cost i'm glad i was not in that business. Charles Barkley who is in the NBA hall of fame said being an nba superstar isn't what it's cracked up to be. at the end of the day it's about your friends and family. i am losing this one. i don't want my daughter destroyed in this crazy war with my wife. she has suffered so much in her 32 years believe me. almost died of cancer at 12. now a most probably permanent depression that leaves her unable to work a beautiful girl who is kind and giving and so smart. i am crying. maybe you don’t know what life can do. i hope mine ends in a missile strike before i send this off but it probably wont.

i have to live and figure out what to do next. it's 1:47 AM maybe I slept 4 hours.

i have to get a restraining order against my wife and probably my 28 year old son who my wife will send after me I guess. there are 2 law firms i contacted. it's eating me up. but that's life. i can deal with it. i hope. i will try to get calm and ask what are the range of prices (I probably will have to pay the max) and try to find out which law firm will fuck me over the least. maybe they're honest. some people in business are such saints. i've run into some recently. i offer them more money and they refuse. can you believe it. Thud do your best. thanks man.

I am editing this but don’t have the energy to put it back in proper order.
all the phony gurus have something to teach. according to ouspenski we have to relive this life over and over until we get it right whatever that means. if there is a next time. i tell my college live in girlfriend. i pack your bags this second. here is plane ticket money. i call a cab when i'm done packing. here's money for a hotel. get the fuck out of here now. i won't hit her. there was another woman with the same last name i could have started up with when i was with her. it wouldn't have been hard to get someone else in those years. maybe this was for the best. who knows. will i get another life. i don't believe in that shit. but occasionally i remember. when she says i'm going to paris i rehearse this scenario. “I don't need you.” it's hysterically funny now i felt my heart was torn out of my chest i was so broken up over HER? It’s such a joke. i'm really laughing now. i lived long enough to see it all so differently

Thud let me know of all the stuff i put up what you might want to know. i can't promise because once i promise i have to at least try and keep my promise and i realize sometimes i can get into horrible trouble if I do so. Thud thanks again for caring for a guy you don't know. I'm not artificial intelligence bullshitting you. Unfortunately I’m really idiot lenny.

Thud take care of yourself, love the people in your life the best you can
my best friends are dead. it hurts so badly. i was too young to know these guys from the dorm in1967 were going to mean so much 56 years later. i talk to Yiorgos from Athens today from the dorm. he's 75. his son in manhattan is dying from complications of AIDS medication. Yiorgos is going to visit him in a few days and is so sick himself. at least i train physically. believe me i look like a nightmare. where is the kid's mother. Yiorgos says nobody knows. she's from greece. nobody knows. what kind of world is this? there are beautiful people. i don't say i'm one. but i try to help if i can. so i try to help you guys

Over and out
The fat lady probably won’t sing for me in the next few minutes but I sure wish she would. I ought to finish the rest of the Dead from that vid.