Q for the parents here, Louis CK on fatherhood

[Dano]

I didn't read the posts to avoid bias. I became a "single parent" almost from the get-go and it made me a better man. When the Doc handed my son to me and he stopped crying and just stared at me...I was done. All the other stuff just faded into the background. He became my life and my focus. He's with me right now, at 8 years old and he wants to be with me vs his crazy and lazy mom. Everything else became background noise compared to being with my boy. Sure, I've fucked up repeatedly along the way, but still...I can't ever imagine anything else. The fact that he still hugs and kisses me in public and says, "You're the best dad ever" breaks my heart every time. I know I'm a fuck up and I wish I could do it all over but the fact my son is a better man than me already keeps me going. Yes, its hard and frustrating and you have to make the decision to give up selfish interests, but the pay off is worth it. I figure I'm done growing at 33 and all I have left is to raise my boy right and keep him on the path to being a responsible member of society vs the trash we see today...its a victory. My family has a strong legacy with our lineage to the Founding Fathers and I want him to understand and accept that responsibility. Embrace fatherhood. Once you procreate, you need to put yourself last and build strong individuals out of your offspring. My father wasn't perfect but I wouldn't trade him for any other. He taught me to be a man, to be self reliant and strong. All the hardship I've suffered wouldn't be possible without that example. It matters more than any psychologist, sociologist, or therapist can impart.

[Holland Oates]

LOL @ DMW's weak ass Andy1492 impression

A few of you sad sack motherfuckers make me appreciate my relationship with the Amazon and my kids even more. JEEZUS how have a few of you not offed yourself?

[Holland Oates]

And Dano is the fucking man. Being a single dad is hard work.

[DrDonkeyLove]

I didn't read the posts to avoid bias. I became a "single parent" almost from the get-go and it made me a better man. When the Doc handed my son to me and he stopped crying and just stared at me...I was done. All the other stuff just faded into the background. He became my life and my focus. He's with me right now, at 8 years old and he wants to be with me vs his crazy and lazy mom. Everything else became background noise compared to being with my boy. Sure, I've fucked up repeatedly along the way, but still...I can't ever imagine anything else. The fact that he still hugs and kisses me in public and says, "You're the best dad ever" breaks my heart every time. I know I'm a fuck up and I wish I could do it all over but the fact my son is a better man than me already keeps me going. Yes, its hard and frustrating and you have to make the decision to give up selfish interests, but the pay off is worth it. I figure I'm done growing at 33 and all I have left is to raise my boy right and keep him on the path to being a responsible member of society vs the trash we see today...its a victory. My family has a strong legacy with our lineage to the Founding Fathers and I want him to understand and accept that responsibility. Embrace fatherhood. Once you procreate, you need to put yourself last and build strong individuals out of your offspring. My father wasn't perfect but I wouldn't trade him for any other. He taught me to be a man, to be self reliant and strong. All the hardship I've suffered wouldn't be possible without that example. It matters more than any psychologist, sociologist, or therapist can impart.

Good stuff. I only take exception to the "done growing" comment. I've had at least two major personal growth evolutional epochs between your age and where I am today. Some was quite unpleasant and some was pretty damn good. The base model me is pretty much the same but edges have been rounded off and voids filled in - so far.

[The Venerable Bogatir X]

Good on you, Dano.

However, you're not done growing. You'll expand/grow and contract/be immature & stupid many times--some of us are lucky enough to have a good woman who understands and makes allowances for this and you'll get yours at some point is my guess.

I didn't realize you were so young!

[nafod]

My wife and I have a baby due in July

http://www.identigene.com/.

Kids are annoying as hell and they run your life. The funniest thing is, when they leave and go with mom on a trip and I get the house to myself, I have all these great plans to *finally* do what I want to do, but then sit on the couch wondering what to do with myself and grab the clicker and end up watching the daily repeat of Shawshank Redemption.

[Koko, Beware]

The funniest thing is, when they leave and go with mom on a trip and I get the house to myself, I have all these great plans to *finally* do what I want to do, but then sit on the couch wondering what to do with myself and grab the clicker and end up watching the daily repeat of Shawshank Redemption.

I hear that. Maybe it's like how just not going to the gym is better than deloading for some people. Clearly our souls are crying out for the Dirty Harry marathon on AMC instead of actually getting anything done.

[davidc]

Parenthood for most folks is the great astronomy lesson.
You figure out that you're not the center of the universe.
Most folks think they know that before they have a kid, but once you actually experience it, it's a different thing altogether.
Everything else kinda melts away in importance after that. Lots of things that matter before kids don't matter at all once you're a parent.
Congratulations and good luck. Sleep all you can now. Seriously.

[Dunn]

Thanks for the kudos and well wishes.


This is why I haven't asked for any pointers or advice. I figure that I will wing it, since the going consensus is that you will be woefully underprepared no matter what you do. All I can say is that I will do my best to be the kind of father my dad was, hard when he needed to be and utterly devoted to his family. My own interests aren't so out there that a family can't work while enjoying them, albeit some juggling will most certainly be needed.

Going back to th original post, before all you fags started going soft...I think that the key is including your kid into your hobbies. My dad brought and and taught me boxing, fishing, hunting, swimming, and camping. All of these things he enjoyed a great deal before I ever came along. From his own mouth he enjoyed them even more when he was able to include me in them, often with his friends as well. I think growing up around my dad and his friends taught me a lot about being a guy. It might derail stuff some, and you do have to wait til they get to a certain age, but having one hardly forces you to become a hermit whose only outlet is kid outings.

[Swamp Fox]

you will be woefully underprepared no matter what you do.

One thing you can and should be prepared for, is help for Mom the first few days to week that she is home with the baby. She will be physically exhausted, and hormonally fragile, and will need help. This is the time when women are at great risk for Post Partum Depression.

It is a good job for a Grandmom or Aunt if available.

[Thud]

Enjoy the first 12 years of parenthood. The 13th is a killer...

[Blaidd Drwg]

Upon advice of this forum I put my 12 year old into jiu jitsu in hope that if the discipline of JJ doesn't help him curb his obnoxiousness, he will at least be able to prevent me from killing him when the obnoxiousness rears its head.

[Bud Charniga's grape ape]

Update for the prospective parents: this morning I got back from the gym a little after 7. My wife was still sleeping but my 3-yo daughter was playing downstairs. When I walked in, she gave me a great big hug and a big, beautiful smile, and said "Daddy, I'm so happy that you're home from the gym!"

About 30 seconds later I realized that she'd had an accident and pissed on the floor, and I spent the next fifteen minutes cleaning the floor and giving her a bath.

WELCOME TO PARENTHOOD!!!

[Jonny Canuck]

Update for the prospective parents: this morning I got back from the gym a little after 7. My wife was still sleeping but my 3-yo daughter was playing downstairs. When I walked in, she gave me a great big hug and a big, beautiful smile, and said "Daddy, I'm so happy that you're home from the gym!" About 30 seconds later I realized that she'd had an accident and pissed on the floor, and I spent the next fifteen minutes cleaning the floor and giving her a bath. WELCOME TO PARENTHOOD!!!

My four year old daughter had the stomach flu in the middle of the night last night and was projectile vomiting all over her bed. The shitty thing is that I built her a loft bed for her birthday and I couldn't reach her to pick her up so I was trying to stop the puke spray by getting my hands in front of her mouth.

Clean up wasn't that bad though, my dog was more than happy to lend a hand.

[Jonny Canuck]

Update for the prospective parents: this morning I got back from the gym a little after 7. My wife was still sleeping but my 3-yo daughter was playing downstairs. When I walked in, she gave me a great big hug and a big, beautiful smile, and said "Daddy, I'm so happy that you're home from the gym!" About 30 seconds later I realized that she'd had an accident and pissed on the floor, and I spent the next fifteen minutes cleaning the floor and giving her a bath. WELCOME TO PARENTHOOD!!!

My four year old daughter had the stomach flu in the middle of the night last night and was projectile vomiting all over her bed. The shitty thing is that I built her a loft bed for her birthday and I couldn't reach her to pick her up so I was trying to stop the puke spray by getting my hands in front of her mouth.

Clean up wasn't that bad though, my dog was more than happy to lend a hand.

[Jonny Canuck]

Update for the prospective parents: this morning I got back from the gym a little after 7. My wife was still sleeping but my 3-yo daughter was playing downstairs. When I walked in, she gave me a great big hug and a big, beautiful smile, and said "Daddy, I'm so happy that you're home from the gym!" About 30 seconds later I realized that she'd had an accident and pissed on the floor, and I spent the next fifteen minutes cleaning the floor and giving her a bath. WELCOME TO PARENTHOOD!!!

My four year old daughter had the stomach flu in the middle of the night last night and was projectile vomiting all over her bed. The shitty thing is that I built her a loft bed for her birthday and I couldn't reach her to pick her up so I was trying to stop the puke spray by getting my hands in front of her mouth.

Clean up wasn't that bad though, my dog was more than happy to lend a hand.

[Pinky]

I disabled the radios in an old touch-screen Blackberry and gave it to my (now 3-year-old) daughter as a toy. I was walking home from work the other day and I got the following text from my wife:

Our kid took a photo of her poop on the blackberry. She is very delighted.

Kids can be very funny, sometimes even when they're shitting.

[powerlifter54]

With our youngest about to leave for college, i could share a lot of specific lessons learned, but they are snapshots out of a life, philosophy, and profession that may not be applicable to others.

What we did learn was listen to our instincts and not get all that worked up about it. Balance is great but after 911 balancing quality time at home was impossible since i wasn't in the same hemisphere. Discipline is great but each kid is different and blooms in a different way and takes a different approach. Methods from books are fascinating, but two weeks after our first was born my wife broke her foot and volia baby was in bed with us. As was dash 2. Dash 3 wanted no part of it and slept through the night after two weeks in her own bed. Socialization is like discipline, your kids personality is going to dictate it more than you will. Priorities of your individualism is hipster nonsense. You have a job and it is to support and raise your kids. Do the best you can. You will screw up, but learn from it and move on. Last and perhaps most important is keep your marriage first. HARD to do and you both will screw that up but keep it in mind. Also realize your spouse is in the relationship voluntarily and can move on, but your kids didn't pick you and are stuck with you.



Raising kids is like GS, takes daily effort over a long period of time to be good at it, incredibly long and painful, boring to watch, and everybody has an opinion. But fun to discuss with people who also do it over a few beers and some food. Only you and your wife's opinion matters.

Good luck.

[DikTracy6000]

Update for the prospective parents: this morning I got back from the gym a little after 7. My wife was still sleeping but my 3-yo daughter was playing downstairs. When I walked in, she gave me a great big hug and a big, beautiful smile, and said "Daddy, I'm so happy that you're home from the gym!" About 30 seconds later I realized that she'd had an accident and pissed on the floor, and I spent the next fifteen minutes cleaning the floor and giving her a bath. WELCOME TO PARENTHOOD!!!

My four year old daughter had the stomach flu in the middle of the night last night and was projectile vomiting all over her bed. The shitty thing is that I built her a loft bed for her birthday and I couldn't reach her to pick her up so I was trying to stop the puke spray by getting my hands in front of her mouth.

Clean up wasn't that bad though, my dog was more than happy to lend a hand.

Triplets?

[Blaidd Drwg]

Priorities of your individualism is hipster nonsense. You have a job and it is to support and raise your kids. Do the best you can. You will screw up, but learn from it and move on.

I take a slightly different tack on this voyage.

It's reasonable to worry..."what if I change"...what ever will become of the BAMF I envisioned myself as. I don't think this makes you a hipster (although the OP clearly is) From the fist time you hear yourself sound like your dad onward, you'll have a series of Holy Shit moments..the reality is, that you had no choice in the matter. You changed. Your individualism got subsumed into your commitments. Not unlike the military, If you sucked at being and individual before the military...you're gonna suck at it after.

OTOH...If you're pretty comfortable in your own skin, fatherhood is just the natural next step of being a man. You don;t need to preserve your self... you are it. The fact the OP is worried about setting aside individual time, gives me pause. You don;t need ME time. You need to stay at the helm at keep going. Mommy is gonna need "me" time if you want her to give up the booty at anypoint in the next two years.

[TerryB]

Your individualism got subsumed into your commitments.

Well said.

[davidc]

Your individualism got subsumed into your commitments.

Well said.

So one day, you're saying "I will never own a minivan. No way". And you mean it.
And then one day, not too many years later, you're telling your friend that the only real choice in minivans is whether you're getting the Honda or the Toyota because they are hands down the best ones. Because once you have three kids, you can't deny it any longer. You're a minivan family.

[Pinky]

Stop at one, and you can still drive almost any car you want.

[Grandpa's Spells]

Last and perhaps most important is keep your marriage first. HARD to do and you both will screw that up but keep it in mind.

I've seen people botch this and it still slips my mind occasionally. Good one.

[Sangoma]

How do children spell "love"? T-I-M-E.

This quote struck the cord almost twenty years ago and has been confirmed in my study with N=2. This is the only advice I would dare to give to the parents to be.

Dano, you're a hero. I can only imagine how hard it is to be a single dad.