Your new joke...

[seeahill]

A depressed woman is standing at the edge of cliff ready to jump and end it all. A toothless old bum walks by and says, "Hey, if you're going to kill yourself, would you fuck me first?"

The woman says, "Hell no. No way."

So the old bum nods sadly and says, "OK, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

[Holland Oates]

[seeahill]

Thanks EZ. I'm not saying that one "is your new joke." I'm soliciting contributions. Is there a joke you've been telling lately?

[syaigh]

I have nothing new, but I love this one:

Knock knock
Who's there
Interrupting cow
Interrupti ---- MOOOOOOO

[seeahill]

A family knock-knock joke that still cracks us up:

I was 12, my brother was 5. I was telling knockknocks. He made one up on the spot.

Knock knock

Who's there

Rug

Rug who?

Rug on the floor.

(I'm sorry. It's family. None of us will ever forget it.)

[syaigh]

yeah, my kids have similar ones, used to crack them up for minutes at a time.

Knock knock
who's there
Jelly
Jelly who
Jelly bathtub

[milosz]

Kid comedy is basically Mitch Hedberg without the heroin.

[seeahill]

"jelly bath tub" is comedy genius.

[Anon]

Q: Why did Susie fall off the swing?
A: She has no arms

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Not Susie

[Protobuilder]

yeah, my kids have similar ones, used to crack them up for minutes at a time.

Knock knock
who's there
Jelly
Jelly who
Jelly bathtub

This made me laugh.

None of the others did.

[nafod]

Judge asks the 97 year old man and his 98 year old wife why they are getting a divorce now, after their years of marriage.

"We were waiting until the children were dead."

[ccrow]

What smells worse than anchovy?

Spoiler: show

Anchovy cunt

[Holy Cow]

My girlfriend really wants to be on TV. She fucking loves TV shows, especially reality TV, like those Real Housewives of Where Ever, where it's a bunch of catty bitches yelling at each other. And she loves I Survived, where it's people recounting their near-death stories. So, for her birthday I raped her in a parking garage and burned her face with acid.

[Gin Master]

Two men and one woman survived a shipwreck and were stranded on an island. After a week the woman was so ashamed about what she was doing that she killed herself. After another week the two men were so ashamed about what they were doing that they buried her. After another week the men were so ashamed of what they were doing that they dug her up.

[Ryan]

Why do lesbians shop at Sports Authority?

Spoiler: show

Because they don't like Dick's.

[Thud]

yo momma so old, she breast fed you powdered milk.

[Yes I Have Balls]

Man driving a big rig down the street sees a black kid pushing a bike with two flat tires. He pulls over and offers the boy a ride, but afraid to get caught picking up hitchhikers, he puts the boy in the trailer with the load of bowling balls he’s hauling.

Driver pulls up to a weigh station a couple miles up the road, and the sheriff notes that the truck is over weight and asks to see the contents of the trailer.

Sheriff opens the back doors to the trailer, looks inside and immediately slams the door shut and screams at his partner: “Get backup immediately! This driver is hauling a load of nigger eggs, one of ‘em has hatched and already stolen a fucking bicycle!!”

[nafod]

Two men and one woman survived a shipwreck and were stranded on an island. After a week the woman was so ashamed about what she was doing that she killed herself. After another week the two men were so ashamed about what they were doing that they buried her. After another week the men were so ashamed of what they were doing that they dug her up.

Heh

[seeahill]

yeah, my kids have similar ones, used to crack them up for minutes at a time.

Knock knock
who's there
Jelly
Jelly who
Jelly bathtub

This made me laugh.

None of the others did.

Everyone's a critic. Tell your damn joke.

[Protobuilder]

yeah, my kids have similar ones, used to crack them up for minutes at a time.

Knock knock
who's there
Jelly
Jelly who
Jelly bathtub

This made me laugh.

None of the others did.

Everyone's a critic. Tell your damn joke.

Relax, hombre. Yours is in the top three of this thread.

[seeahill]

yeah, my kids have similar ones, used to crack them up for minutes at a time.

Knock knock
who's there
Jelly
Jelly who
Jelly bathtub

This made me laugh.

None of the others did.

Everyone's a critic. Tell your damn joke.

Relax, hombre. Yours is in the top three of this thread.

Joke or die.

[Thatcher II]

The doctor gave me the good news first. I was to have a disease named after me.

[Thatcher II]

Horse walks into a bar. Barman says 'Why the long face?'

[Thatcher II]

My grandfather died at Auschwitz. It was very sad. He got drunk and fell out of his watchtower.

[Thatcher II]

On the bright side, with psychizophrenia , you're never alone. If you have psychizophrenia and you're offended by that joke, you can both fuck off.