Kim K: lawsuit claims she is Al Queda, has sex with unicorns

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seeahill
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Kim K: lawsuit claims she is Al Queda, has sex with unicorns

Post by seeahill »

http://blogs.miaminewtimes.com/cultist/ ... ts_cla.php

Maza fumes...

Two lawsuits filed in West Virginia are seeking restraining orders against Kim Kardashian. Guess why.

No, really. Guess. Think on it long and hard. You can even use the hints in the headline, which are only a small part of the batshit insane fantasies described in the complaints. Go ahead and dream up your wackiest possible scenarios involving the Kardashians.

Did you guess that one of the suits would claim that Kim, her ex-husband Kris Humphries, and Humphries' current girlfriend Myla Sinanaj held a Philadelphia man at gunpoint and forced him to watch the three of them having sex for five hours in their hotel room, which was filled with barnyard animals and a unicorn? Because that is one correct answer.

The other correct guess is this: that a Brooklyn man "stumbled upon" Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, Kris Jenner, Bruce Jenner, Khloe Kardashian and Kourtney Kardashian at an Al Qaeda training camp in the West Virginia mountainside, where they burned the American flag and where West performed a concert for all the terrorists at the camp. According to the suit, via Wheeling, WV, CBS affiliate station WTRF:
"They all drank Jim Jones juice and then the defendants got shovels and were digging coal and fracking at mines in West Virginia to get fuel to make weapons of mass destruction and Kris Jenner was enriching uranium," the suit said.
Plaintiff "Gino Romano" also claims that all of the Kardashian's earnings are going to Al Qaeda. And that Kanye is the leader of the Chicago street gang El Rukn. And that Kim Kardashian will launch a selection of veils for her clothing line. And that Khloe Kardashian tried to behead Romano.

And that's the least insane of the two suits.

The other suit, filed by plaintiff "Jonathan Kimberly," tells the harrowing tale of a simple man who just wanted to get some sleep -- but the celebrities in the room next door to his (room #69, of course) were making too much noise. "I heard a bunch of banging, and sounds of sheep," the suit reads.

When Kimberly went to the door to request that his neighbors keep it down, he saw through the peephole (which was apparently installed backwards?) that Kim Kardashian, Kris Humphries, and Myla Sinanaj were inside, making a sex tape as "sheep, two goats, and a unicorn" looked on.

Kimberly, naturally, assumed the animals were "witnesses."

He also saw an E! logo on the camera filming the action, and Kardashian injecting steroids into Humphries' arm, telling him, "I'm going to juice you up baby for the Nets season." Sinanaj, meanwhile, was "bobbing her head up and down with a voodoo doll in her hand and rosary beads."

Kimberly shouted through the door that he was trying to get some sleep. And that's when things got, um, "real."
Kris went irate on steroid rage, ripped the door open, dragged me into the room, put a shot gun to my head that he got from Nets player Jayson Williams, and forced me to watch the 3 defendants have sex with one another for 5 hr's against my will.... Myla hit me with RC Cola can. Kimberly forced me to watch E! network Keeping Up With the Kardashian reruns on the hotel tv for 6 more consecutive hr's, I defecated on myself, barnyard animals snipped at my feet, Chris is laughing at me like the Jolly Green Giant.
The horror. RC Cola is, after all, the most insulting brand of soda to have hurled at you.

Then, just when Kimberly -- a self-described Christian who "told Kim she is deceiving the public and lying in her divorce" -- likely assumed things couldn't get any worse:
Then a knock on the door, Kim Kardashian opened and it was Charlie Sheen who had a bag full of ecstasy and set [sic] "Lets get this party started."

[It goes on}
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buckethead
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Re: Kim K: lawsuit claims she is Al Queda, has sex with unic

Post by buckethead »

Are you researching your next book?

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seeahill
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Re: Kim K: lawsuit claims she is Al Queda, has sex with unic

Post by seeahill »

"Humped by Unicorns."
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TerryB
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Re: Kim K: lawsuit claims she is Al Queda, has sex with unic

Post by TerryB »

that sounds pretty cool actually
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Thud
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Re: Kim K: lawsuit claims she is Al Queda, has sex with unic

Post by Thud »

Wait, no dudes taking it up the ass from a unicorn? For a second I thought TImagerd might have been there.
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beefheart
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Re: Kim K: lawsuit claims she is Al Queda, has sex with unic

Post by beefheart »

The whole thing is rididculous, nobody drinks RC.
ab g-d wrote:I can't understand how, given the training they did, the cavemen beat the dinosaurs.

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sanchezero
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Re: Kim K: lawsuit claims she is Al Queda, has sex with unic

Post by sanchezero »

well, on that note, i was recently in tucson and half the fucking restaurants ONLY have RC cola. i felt like i was trapped in the 70s.
have you ever been as far as even considered go want to do look more like?
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KingSchmaltzBagelHour
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Re: Kim K: lawsuit claims she is Al Queda, has sex with unic

Post by KingSchmaltzBagelHour »

TAB FTW.


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Re: Kim K: lawsuit claims she is Al Queda, has sex with unic

Post by Bedlam 0-0-0 »

I'm going to sue them for not doing that to me. I am outraged.

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Turdacious
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Re: Kim K: lawsuit claims she is Al Queda, has sex with unic

Post by Turdacious »

beefheart wrote:The whole thing is rididculous, nobody drinks RC.
Not without a moon pie to wash down anyway.

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WildGorillaMan
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Re: Kim K: lawsuit claims she is Al Queda, has sex with unic

Post by WildGorillaMan »

Nothing else about the unicorns?
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Re: Kim K: lawsuit claims she is Al Queda, has sex with unic

Post by Thatcher II »

LOL at you Conservatives rushing to judgment before we hear the facts and evidence.
It's great to be first at last

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