IGX

So I had surgery this week. Nothing crazy, but enough to put me on some serious medication for a while. Let me tell you, greatest day of my life man. I fucking love the Army. These big old pills for pain, then some others to help me sleep well. I guess those are for when all the vodka shots don’t make me pass out then the pills can finish me off. I decided to take it easy, since First Sergeant says I don’t have to show up to work for the next few days. Convalescent leave or something. Who the hell cares?

This morning I rubbed one out in the gang shower of my barracks while all those other poor fuckers were in the motor pool picking up cigarette butts and listening to Sergeant Major justify his existence. I think I must have passed out though. Woke up naked on the tile floor. Probably gonna get hepatitis or some shit. Water was cold as fuck, and there’s a bruise on my head. Good thing the Army gave me all those pain killers. Wash a few down with a beer and I’m good to go.
Spent the next two hours dominating Black Ops II online. Yelled at some little fuckers who don’t know what real war is like.
This was shaping up to be a great night. The only thing that really worried me was the Percocet. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a soldier in the depths of a ‘Perc binge. And I knew I’d get into that rotten stuff pretty soon. Probably after the next round.
Later on my buddy Rich and I decided to go on a late night liquor run. At least that’s what it started as.
Next thing I know we’re blowing through the main gate at 75 mph in our platoon sergeant’s stolen El Camino, ready for fucking war. We had two M-4′s with 320 grenade launchers, coupla’ crates of 5.56, two frag grenades, some psychedelic pyro, a 9mm pistol with three clips, a whole galaxy of multi-colored 40mm rounds: HE, HEDP, smoke, flechette… and for some reason, three 60mm mortar rounds and a bayonet. Not that we needed all that to go score some hooch, but once you get locked into a combat mindset, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
The night air felt fantastic. I hadn’t tripped like that since Kandahar back in ’09. Of course psychedelics were almost irrelevant in a town where you could wander into a marketplace any time in the day or night and witness a six-year old boy wearing makeup and eyeliner.
We managed to make it to the liquor store with only a minor fender bender and zero civilian casualties. That’s when Rich started to lose his shit.
“You can’t stop here. This is bat country!”
Crazy fuck had been stealing my pills.
I couldn’t blame him though. Like my recruiter once told me — the infantry wasn’t a profession or a trade. It’s a cheap catch-all for fuckoffs and misfits. A false doorway to the backside of life, a filthy piss-ridden little hole nailed off by the building inspector, but just deep enough for a wino to curl up from the sidewalk and masturbate like a chimp in a zoo-cage.
The rest of the night went by in a blur. The last thing I remember before barreling into the front ECP with a trio of flashing lights and wailing sirens behind us was thinking, “You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.”
Rich’s last words were somewhat less profound.
“Turn the goddamn music up! My heart feels like an alligator!”
I knew exactly what he meant.
I’ve been in the county lock-up for about 18 hours now waiting for the CO to come bail us out. Shameful? Probably.
But what can I say? The Army gave me some drugs. Best day of my life

Dunn wrote:

I couldn’t blame him though. Like my recruiter once told me — the infantry wasn’t a profession or a trade. It’s a cheap catch-all for fuckoffs and misfits. A false doorway to the backside of life, a filthy piss-ridden little hole nailed off by the building inspector, but just deep enough for a wino to curl up from the sidewalk and masturbate like a chimp in a zoo-cage.

HELMAND PROVINCE, AFGHANISTAN - The Marines of Alpha Company, 1st Battalion, 5th Marines, deployed out of Camp Pendleton, CA are no strangers to conflict. During the last four months this group of hardened warriors has been engaged in savage combat with the Taliban for control of the Sangin region, critical to both sides in what have become the final years of the US war in Afghanistan. All Marines, from the newest boot private to the grizzled gunnery sergeants, have become proficient in the art of killing.

Unfortunately, these same highly trained veterans have begun to devote a larger and larger portion of their personal funds towards planning for a very slight possibility: the Zombie Apocalypse.
Many believe that some time in the near future, the undead will walk the earth as reanimated corpses, plunging the world into a state of anarchy and bloodshed where only the strong will prevail.
Captain Julian Abraham, a finance officer rotating through the area, was the first to discover the problem.
“When I first got to Sangin, I was ordered to conduct a personal finance survey of the Marines in Alpha Company.  I found that over 87% of them had spent their accumulated combat pay on additional tactical gear, personal firearms, and survival equipment while still deployed overseas.”
Abraham had unearthed the quietly growing trend in the Marine infantry ranks. When asked about the expenditures, Lance Corporal Wayne Jenkins summed it up for everyone.
“It’s the Zombie Apocalypse sir,” said Jenkins. “You gotta be ready.”
“I can’t wait to kill me some zombies when I get home.” added the young father of four, speaking to The Duffel Blog during a patrol. “Soon as it starts, I’m heading for a cabin that I’ve leased up in Montana. Electric fences and everything!”
It should be noted that Lance Corporal Jenkins has no source of income outside of the Marine Corps.
Other Marines were actively engaged in planning as well. While sitting at a blocking position responsible for stopping and searching vehicles, Private Mark Waterson showed off his latest escape route from the barracks that he’d meticulously sketched out in his newly-purchased survival book, modeled on the popular fictional how-to guides for Zombie warfare by Max Brooks. He had already spent his reenlistment bonus on a 24-month supply of dehydrated rations, almost identical to the MREs issued in the field, as well as a curved titanium sword designed specifically for beheading the undead in close combat.
“Everybody knows you gotta get the head,” Waterson added sagely while polishing the three foot long blade.
Even the senior enlisted ranks were not immune to speculation. When this reporter approached Alpha Company First Sergeant Juan Martinez, he was thoughtful about the matter.
“Do I think it’s gonna happen? Probably not, but who knows? I mean. . . I’ll be ready when it does. Got an extra set of body armor ready to go. [A] few pistols for the kids. I can barricade the house up real nice when it starts with a stack of sandbags I have in the backyard.”
At the end of Abraham’s investigation, over 100 members of the company admitted to large expenditures relating to weapons or survival, and when pressed, admitted that the purchases were almost all tied in some way to the Zombie Apocalypse.
Captain James Stevens, the Company Commander, doesn’t seem to understand his men’s obsession with the planning for the very unlikely possibility of combat with the undead.
“It’s such a fucking waste of money. Last week I found out one guy whose wife is already using food stamps ordered a $3,000.00 nickel-plated 12-gauge shotgun with a bayonet attachment because he didn’t want the Z’s to get him during reloads. Reloads! What the hell is wrong with these guys?,” said Stevens, shaking his head in disgust. “You can’t give the junior guys financial advice when their squad leaders are spending training time drawing diagrams for evacuation and how to set up hasty defenses inside of a shopping mall! When that homeless guy got his face eaten a while back, guys that have never read a book in their lives were scouring the newspapers and internet sites for information about the spread of the infection. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”
“What these guys really need to do is get some auditing counseling as soon as they get back to the States. L. Ron never talked about a Goddamn Zombie apocalypse, so as far as I’m concerned, it’s never going to happen!”
Stevens then angrily cut the interview short after he received an email asking if he would co-sign a loan for eight of his Marines to jointly purchase a school bus and convert it to a “battle wagon” after redeployment. A 35 page attachment of plans and construction diagrams had been added to the request.

Google Street View Team Hits IED in Kandahar, 2 Kiled.


The aftermath
KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN - The Global War on Terror claimed new casualties this week, though the victims were not Afghan civilians or U.S. military personnel. Two American civilians were killed and one wounded when their Google Street View Prius triggered an IED while driving the streets of southern Afghanistan.

With the much-publicized U.S. pullout from Afghanistan looming on the horizon, the State Department had urged American businesses and private investors to continue to support the fledgling democracy. Touting a decrease in violent attacks across the nation, the White House had encouraged U.S. mapping companies to update their Afghanistan databases, giving greater access and understanding about the third-world nation to the rest of the world.
Google was the first company to respond, sending a team to begin street level input in the major southern Afghan city of Kandahar, once called the heartland of the Taliban, and still home to over 40,000 U.S. and Coalition military personnel actively engaged in combat operations.
“Our mission with Google Street View has always been to show people places that they would never get off their lazy ass and be able to see otherwise,” said Robert Smith, a spokesman for the company.
Unfortunately for the mapping team, led by veteran Google employee John Volstead, the country was not nearly as quiet or subdued as the US government had led them to believe.
After paying five different bribes to Afghan officials, police officers, and one twelve year old boy with an AK-47 who claimed that he “owned the alley” that the team was trying to drive through, the team arrived at their first location, just 50 meters south of an Afghan National Army (ANA) combat outpost.  The uniformed Afghans, munching on MREs and other American-provided staples, sat on the HESCO parapets of their base and watched the crew intently, ignoring passing traffic and weapon-laden vehicles that cruised openly past the location.
Moments after the Google team exited their vehicle, the crew’s Afghan driver  bolted from the scene, leaving them alone, confused, and without an interpreter. Undaunted, Volstead began to set up his equipment, and ordered his team to do the same.
These routine actions were interrupted when rookie member Wanda Folkes, a Berkley graduate, anti-war activist, and former Peace Corps volunteer, stepped on a pressure plate IED, killing her and a passerby instantly and wounding two other members of the group. As Volstead began screaming for help, the Afghan soldiers, all of whom were on cellphones or holding up cheap video cameras, ignored his cries and continued to watch the scene.
“There was a serious bomb that just went off,” said ANA Sergeant Muhammed Atollah as he uploaded the video to his YouTube account. “We’re in the military. We don’t have the training to respond to such things.”
Afghan children began searching the smoking crater for trinkets or valuables that Folkes may have dropped.
Eventually a U.S. Army unit arrived to secure the scene, treating the remaining casualties and berating the ANA troops for their lack of action.  In response, the men asked the U.S. soldiers for more water and extra batteries for their video cameras, which they had exhausted filming the IED strike.
When told about the Google team’s mission and reason for being in the area, U.S. Army platoon sergeant Miles Wallace said of the incident, “well that’s fucking stupid.”
SEE ALSO: Army Approves First Chaplain From Westboro Baptist Church >
 

witness a six-year old boy wearing makeup and eyeliner.